This is a collaborative effort, in that I am responsible for only half of it.
It’s taken several weeks to put together, unlike my usual rushed stuff and has been a thoroughly enjoyable, exciting and humbling experience, which I highly recommend.
We wrote alternate lines each, but more than that I will not say – if you like any lines, well those are mine, of course. If you find some lines clumsy? Well those are hers / his.
Anyway, here is the result – comments really appreciated, good or bad.
BTW, if anyone wants to have a pop at guessing who my collaborator is, could you possibly send me a private message, rather than put it in a review? It’s just that I seriously don’t want to embarrass her / him, who wishes to remain anonymous.
Cheers!
John
Lol XXX
Midnight’s Purpose
I found the midnight’s purpose in your eyes,
blue ghosts that cast a shadow on the stars,
that haunt me now, two shades in pale disguise,
reluctant tenants of my Shangri-La,
where I have dreamed and woken to my fill
of mourning, here to greet the transient sun,
whose rising plunders me of all my will
to linger long in love once half-begun.
I shall not bow and beg for time with you –
such wasted hours have aged me like an oak.
Your eyes have paled to dimmer starlight blue.
No more those azure worlds can I evoke
while I dream on, adrift in alien lands,
our midnight’s purpose lost in shifting sands.
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Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
| Fantastic writing John and deeply moving indeed. There is deep sadness coming through these words. There are so many of them that I would not like to pinpoint any in particular. Very powerful and I can see you have put a great deal of thought into this. Well done! |
Written by punchy (533 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
Great read this, it does have almost 2 feels about it.
Part of it is very sensual i.e. to linger long in love and your eyes have paled to dimmer starlight blue. And another part is more solid i.e. such wasted hours have aged me like an oak and reluctant tenants of my Shangri-la.
I wish I could come up with stuff like that but i think MEN have the edge on that style of writing xxx  |
MEN, Punchy?
Written by Katanga (1500 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
Give me a woman any day!
Thanks for your perceptive comment - when two 'feels' are as one, it all becomes a bit lugubrious! (Sp?)
I actually believe that women have the edge when it comes to understanding men, but that's a subject for a Phd, or just a brilliancy from your good self . . .
As you know, I am actually a woman at heart . . .
Yo!
John X |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (748 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
Well. I suppose we should wait and see who doesn't review it! A poem about blue eyes, how mournful, though.
I liked this, but I can't work out which lines are yours, Katie, and which ones beliong to your mystery poet - why so coy, I wonder?
I liked
"whose rising plunders me of all my will"
and the last couplet is rather Lawrence of Arabia... I love the whole night skies / blue eyes thing... ooh, look! That rhymes!
|
Suspense . . .
Written by Katanga (1500 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
. . . is of the essence? Let's see . . .
If nothing comes of it - no matter.
Let us all go visit 'Chesil Beach'.
(Ian Mckewan) - how DO tou spell him?????
Just a midnight suggestion . ,. .
Ha! Ha!
And so to bed . . . .
Cheers!
John X |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
Like it very much, John.
Keep dreaming.
On a technical note - the twelfth line seems to have a different rhythm to what goes before. Actually works well as it slows the reader before the final couplet.
Phil
|
Phil! Thanks . . .
Written by Katanga (1500 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
. . . but I don't understand . . .
For me, and I'm not saying who wrote it, line twelve is a simple 'iambic pentameter' i.e.
"no MORE those AZure WORLDS can I evOKE "
ti Tum, ti Tum, ti Tum, ti Tum, ti Tum
I await your jolly comments on this!
Yo Ho!
John X |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
I could be the way my (slightly Stellafied) tongue does 'azure.'
I should steer clear of technicalities - don't really know what I'm talking about. Anyway - the way I read it - it was different. I'll try again in the morning!
Phil |
I'm only . . .
Written by Katanga (1500 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
. . . waiting till the morning comes,
till the morning comes,
till the morning comes . . . !".
Do you know that exquisite Neil Young ditty. Phil?
Cheers!
John X |
Phil
Written by punchy (533 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
| On the Stella? Naughty lager that is, brings out the violant side of some men. Obviously not you lovely poetic types! |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
| I don't think I have a violent side. Especially not on the beer. Sleep always seems far more attractive than fighting. |
Written by Brett (982 comments posted) 14th August 2008 |
Some good lines here, Tolstoy (nice finishing couplet), but I agree with Phil (Stellafied or not) regarding the twelfth line, though it does still work.
Cheers |
Line twelve?
Written by Katanga (1500 comments posted) 15th August 2008 |
Hmmmmm! Suggestions welcome!
I still still think it works as an 'iambic pentameter', notwithstanding the fact that the syntax is twisted as hell!
Yo!
John
X |
Line twelve!
Written by Brett (982 comments posted) 16th August 2008 |
There's nothing wrong with it, John - to me the first foot reads trochaic; NO more. After that the line reads iambic - perfectly legit.
Cheers |
A near miss?
Written by MattHews (44 comments posted) 17th August 2008 |
Sexy, sensuous and lubricious too! |
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