"Where's Brian?" asked Trudy.
"Oh, he can't get any were on time" replied Doug, placing another LSD coated sugar cubes in his mouth, "Wicked!"
So just then the door opened. Doug looked up and smiled. "Ello Flo, fancy a hit?"
As Flo sat down on the sofa, her mini skirt road up. knowing Doug had the hots for her she aknowdleged him in a teasing manor. "Yeah, why not, what you got? Got any dicky?"
"what kind of dicky you after?" said Doug giving her a wink.
"you know what i mean, coke, init"
So just then the door opened and in walked Brian. "it's taken me bloody ages to get here"
"You only live a minutes round the corner" said Doug.
"What took you so long?" asked Flo.
"Heavy Session at the Rusty arms" awnsered Brian.
Trudy and Flo arose from the sofa to make there way to the bathroom.
"Just gonna fix ourselfs up before we leave" Trudy told Doug.
"No problem" Doug said.
shortly after entering the bathroom the ladies remerged and then they all left the house to make there way down to the local fair.
Once they had arrived at the fair, Brian noticed Dylan lying under a tree, a zoot in one hand and a guitar in the other.
"What's happening guys?" asked a semi aware Dylan.
"Yeah were all good mate, you?" replied Doug.
"I'm Sweet mate this is some good columbian import, you want some?" Dylan asked, the five then began to smoke the zoot before entering the fair.
"Let's go on the carousel" pleaded Trudy.
"Alright then lets go" awnsered Flo.
While on the carousel the five began to trip out. The carousel took off and flew them to the moon, where they met talking banana's and a ballet dancing spoon.
On there way back to earth they landed in a spiders web where they metr there gang leader zeb who said, "It's time for bed".
The end....................................or is it?
|
Magic Roundabout
Written by fellpony (1751 comments posted) 15th August 2008 | So, you know the names of the characters and you've put them into a drug-taking scenario. That Dylan Rabbit always did look stoned, so not a big leap of imagination there. And then??? You did a long intro then dropped the whole story inside one sentence: The carousel took off and flew them to the moon, where they met talking banana's and a ballet dancing spoon. It could have happened to anybody, not just the characters you told us about. Get them to do something to create the story, and make the dialogue do some work, instead of being incidental.
Watch out for typos, punctuation and grammatical errors: examples:
"Alright then lets go" awnsered Flo.
should be
"All right then, let's go," answered Flo.
On there (their) way back to earth they landed in a spiders (spider's) web where they metr there (their) gang leader zeb
Proof reading and spell checking are there for you to use and will benefit your story. But it needs a storyline too.
On another note, I see you're 14 - should you be quite so aware of drugs and alcohol yet? |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 15th August 2008 | Yep, loads of mistakes (makes me wonder what you were smoking when you wrote it!). And only 14! YEEKS!!
"I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky when I'm flying without wings."
Cheers,
Puff the Magic Dragon. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 15th August 2008 | OK, well ignoring the mistakes [though you shouldn't] there was a funny idea tucked away in there, i.e. making the Magic Roundabout characters new age ravers but as FP astutely points out, it was all set up, and a one sentence story.
You've got two choices; either find a narrative for the characters, or script it, put a few gags in and make it a sketch. The second option is your better one, I think
cheers
jane |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Sometimes when we write stuff, it becomes pretty obvious sometime later that it's rubbish and should go where rubbish belongs. There's really not anything going for this piece. Put it in with the rubbish. Move on and write something else.
We've all written rubbish, just a thing we do when we are 14 (and much older).
Funniest thing about this is the comments. Fellpony taking it so seriously and feeling chuffed about spotting some of the typos.
Mr E using the word Yeeks with excessive punctuation.
And Jane going on about "gags" again. Best solution to everything - add "gags" and make it a Benny Hill sketch. Brilliant.
If this was a genuine post, best advice is that it's out of your system, now move on. | tee hee
Written by cfergus30 (16 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Age matters not a jot, that was funny man.
Grumpy just don't get it, it's like postmodernism never happened.
cooshty |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Take it easy on the big words, cfergus30 - you'll just confuse yourself.
All I'm saying is that in writing we all need to get stuff out of our system and find our own voice. When we start out it's inevitable there's going to be a lot of derivative stuff and a lot of subject matter we write about without really knowing about it.
As a former editor of a dance music mag (the readership of which you have to admit is probably the target audience for the piece above) I know that if this one arrived in my mail in its current form it would probably receive a standard rejection letter. ("Thanks, not really for us, good luck in placing it elsewhere.")
If it was tidied up (it is very messy), it would still get the same.
If I thought it had the potential to appeal to our readers I might offer some opinion and say try us again later.
If I thought the piece was no good but the writer showed promise (and I wasn't snowed under), I'd probably say keep writing and keep reading. I'd probably say that as a drug culture piece it doesn't really offer anything that hasn't been done better before. Read early Irvine Welsh for gritty reality or anything by Jeff Noon to see just how far you can take the drug trip fantasy adventure. I don't think Jeff Noon is a technically great writer, but he knows how to tell a cracking good story, he knows a thing or two about plot and character development.
My advice to Olly is still to move on and keep writing, and read, say, Needle In The Groove by Jeff Noon. |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (225 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Take it easy on the big words, cfergus30 - you'll just confuse the former editor of a dance music magazine who, having had short fiction published and won one national award, is currently a performing arts writer and theatre reviewer with a monthly humour column (a.k.a. the great I AM).
And what does he do with this wealth of experience and knowledge? He reviews soft targets!
Now that IS comical!
And here’s some exclamation marks, dude. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Surf’s up - why not catch a wave? |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Wow. What an embarrassing little outburst, Mr E W.
I thought the point was to offer opinions on the work, not the individual, soft or hard, whatever that means.
Attack the review, please, not the reviewer.
I stand by what I've said. |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Mm, time to indulge in one of my favourite pastimes, that of Devil’s advocate.
Grumpy on reviewing: "I thought the point was to offer opinions on the work, not the individual."
Grumpy on cfergus: “Take it easy on the big words - you'll just confuse yourself.”
Grumpy on Turbowolf: “Ween yourself of the mescalin(e), dude.”
Grumpy on the defence: “Attack the review, please, not the reviewer.”
My guess, Grumpy, would be that you just don’t like being on the receiving end? |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | I think Steve might just have hit the nail on the head there.
And to Olly- I don't claim to be an expert but I would counsel you against taking any advice from Grumpy on humour, if he considers his offering to be comedy.
We're all amateurs here a fact that seems to have escaped grumpy.
So keep at it. |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Hilarious.
Keep hugging yourselves because as we all know amateurism is the way of the future.
So you all think that Day At The Fair is publishable, do you? Is it really publishable material?
(See what I did there? I moved away from the reviewer back to the work in question. Your homework is to do the same. Can you do that please?). | Review the work and not the reviewers
Written by fellpony (1751 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | "Funniest thing about this is the comments. Fellpony taking it so seriously and feeling chuffed about spotting some of the typos. "
How the F*** can Grumpy know whether FP, or anybody else, was feeling chuffed? Pointing out that there are a few typos may help make the next offering less difficult to read. As a working editor and a published and award winning writer myself may I offer you all some more advice? Review the work, not the writers or the reviewers. Apologies to you, Olly, for our joint grumpiness. |
Written by Grumpy (23 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Can we please get back to the work in question?
Punctuation is easily rectified. This piece can easily be edited into readable shape. The quality of the writing requires more work.
Put simply: Is there any editor of any real or imagined magazine out there who would publish 'Day At The Fair'?
Whoever you are... your mag - would you publish this piece? |
Written by cfergus30 (16 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | | I am the editor of an imaginary Magazine called 'Alfy McAskill's Fringe Art Reviews' and yes, I would publish, FP's corrections included, of course. |
Written by Olly_Williams (11 comments posted) 18th August 2008 | Looks like i have started a war of word, oh dear
yes i will make the part at the fair longer and to awnser your question about me knowing so much about drugs is that we learn about them at school.
Cheers,
Olly | "fair" enough"
Written by fellpony (1751 comments posted) 18th August 2008 | See what you can do with it, Olly  |
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