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PB's Olympic Update: Horses, Birds, and Curling
By Emmuttmax
15 August 2008
What can I say, if nothing else, he's prolific.

PB Olympic Update: Horses, Birds, and Curling

I was having my morning coffee when Pathetic Bob came in and said, Hey Em, I noticed you stayed in your office most of last night. Did you watch any of the Olympic coverage?”

“No Bob, I’m getting a little bored with Michael Phelps montages narrated by awestruck T.V. droids. And, the only thing worse than women’s volleyball is men’s volleyball. They had a rerun marathon of my favorite T.V. series, ‘The adventures of Lloyd, the Marsupial Phlegm Extractor’ on cable so I watched that instead.”

“I understand your pain,” said Bob with feigned sympathy. “By the way, did you know a lot of the NBC commentators calling the action aren’t even at the games, they’re in a studio in New York just yakking about what they are seeing on a big-screen television set? NBC isn’t really lying about it like the Chinese are about their gymnast’s ages, but it sort of seems like have long-distance phone sex with your new bride on the wedding night.”

“Does that even make sense?”

“Who knows; I just call ‘em as I see ‘em.”  Bob took a drink out of my coffee cup and continued. “As far as the evens go, I saw the weirdest one yesterday; it was called ‘dressage.’ At first, I was kind of excited because it had horses participating. I thought ‘Cool, finally an event with animals.” But, it turned out to be the most boring thing I’ve seen since you and Mrs. Em got romantic last month, I mean, here were these beautiful horses, and all that happened was some people in silly costumes got on the them, and the horses walked around for a while. And get this; no matter which horse is the best walker, the Olympic assholes give the medal to the person on its back. That’s just not right.”

I had to admit Bob was right. “Yeah, it does seem animals get no respect at the Olympics.”

“No kidding. In fact, there’s a lot of downright cruelty against animals. I’m boycotting skeet shooting and badminton. Shooting and smacking birds with a racquet is a little over the top, don’t you think? Next Olympics they’ll probably add cock fighting to the schedule.”

“Well, I’ll help you start a letter-writing campaign. So what’s up on your agenda today?

“I think I’ll check in on the curling competition.”

“But Bob, curling is a Winter Olympics sport.”

“Not that kind of curling. This year they’ve added a gay hairdresser event.”



Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 16th August 2008
I'm getting quite fond of Bob. I think you've created a really well rounded character here and these are the sketches I like best ,when he is giving his uniquely dog-centric view of things and sparking off his owner. I really like their relationship. 
I can quite believe he would be puzzled at things like that. 
I might be wise to put this in Poetry if you want reveiw, Mike. It seems to be the only functioning forum. They've taken over the bloody site! 
cheers 
jane

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 16th August 2008
Bloody poets - bunch of malcontents! Poet baiting would be a really good Olympic sport. 
 
I liked this too. I think I've finally got used to Bob as a greyhound. It kind of threw me when you revealed that the first time - didn't fit my mental picture. 
 
It's a voice that's easy to listen to and always entertains. 
 
Phil.

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 16th August 2008
NB/ Not quite all poets.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 16th August 2008
No,Phil but most of them woudn't you say? All the spats I've ever had on this site have been in the poetry forum.Perhaps I should get in training and go for gold. 
Sorry Mike
Bob's a GREYHOUND???
Written by fellpony (1751 comments posted) 16th August 2008
I must have missed a few of these. I pictured him as a hairy mutt. I suppose by Bob's standards dressage might seem like walking but you'd better break it to him that they do other things too. 
 
I hope somebody gets your Bob stories together and publishes them, Mike - they're always fresh reading. Perhaps I ought to say something rude about them and start an argument here - like a blister, drawing the heat out of the Poetry forum? (PS Jane, I have seen a few rude remarks made on Sci Fi - some only temporary because Ed removed them!)

Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 16th August 2008
I've given up with drinking, so I'll have what your smoking! 
 
‘The adventures of Lloyd, the Marsupial Phlegm Extractor’  
 
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha. 
 
Also enjoyed: the most boring thing I’ve seen since you and Mrs. Em got romantic last month & the Olympic assholes give the medal to the person on its back. 
 
Good stuff. 
 
All the best, 
Steve.

Written by Nick (163 comments posted) 17th August 2008
I'm still reading and enjoying these. I've been waiting for one where I disagree with what Bob's talking about but he does seem to make a lot of sense. 
 
and yes 'Dressage' is as boring as hell - I have a friend that use to do it and even she admits it's boring!! 
 
Keep up the good work. 
 
Nick
dressage
Written by fellpony (1751 comments posted) 17th August 2008
should never have been an Olympic sport anyway - Bob is right - it makes no more sense than the conjugation of verbs, or declension of Latin nouns, as Olympic sports. Dressage is merely training a horse to be useful. Worthwhile in itself, but too closely reliant on the opinion of the judge to make any sense competitively. I wonder if there might be any mileage in the idea of cockfighting without birds.

Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 17th August 2008
Indeed it's the horses that should get the medals. It would be fun to have animal olympics, though I guess most don't understand such human things as well as Bob. 
Seems there are many strange choices for at the Olympic sports... Gymnastics, football, hockey, synchronized swimming, water polo, badminton, baseball, basketball, biking, tennis, handball, softball and volleyball seem to fall in the same category as equestrian, and though I like watching them, I do have my doubts about fencing and taekwondo, judo and table tennis too. 
 
Bob's an interesting character, but I wonder why your narrator gets annoyed by him.

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