Speaks for it's self
I match my groans to his fathers moans
Son just retreats into dead zone
Where he doesn't have to hear
Us voice our many fears
On want to us appears perfectly clear
His extravagant use
His flagrant monetary abuse
He only deems to comes home
Returns from where ever he roams
When in need of a clean bed or better yet a lone
As he's up his ears in debts and arrears
The rest of the time he leaves us alone
Sadly to say I'm not under any illusion
In fact I've come to the conclusion
That but for his compounded dept
He let us bide on our own
He'd endeavor to disown us
|
Written by Artemis (6 comments posted) 15th August 2008 | This is certainly one to be be read aloud, where you can hear the frustration build and the great repetition within lines emphasising the sadness of the story.
A. | So sad!
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 15th August 2008 | I hope this is fiction. Young people today often expect to get bailed out. I can certainly identify, but my kids are pretty good to return the favour.
The rthymn works quite well for me. Well done, dear meadowcraft. Cheers!  | Hey, Violet!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 15th August 2008 | Killer last line - brilliant poem!
You inspire me!
Do you know 'Fairport Convention'? (folk-rock from the seventies|?)
Sandy Denny?
I would simply say to you,
"We're gonna meet on the ledge."
Love, John X | True sadly true
Written by meadowcroft1964 (112 comments posted) 15th August 2008 | Beatricelouise
it's nice to get a review from someone new as I sometimes feel that I'm reviewed more out of pity than for content on offence intended. I know this is largely my own fault because of the personal content of my work. I just wish that someone would give me a warts and all review so that I can improve enough to be able to share my many experiances without being ridlculed.
Oh John
You have complete lost me please explain more I spent the seventies just trying to survive so know little about music
Love Violet
|
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | “I just wish that someone would give me a warts and all review so that I can improve.”
At last! Someone is speaking (writing) some commonsense.
Violet, I’m no poet, but I find that it helps me to write poetry out as prose before chopping it up into lines, that way I can see if it reads correctly.
As it is, there’s not much wrong with your piece as far as the story goes; I’ll leave metre and beat for someone else to explain. However, punctuation helps a lot, and also check for spelling errors and missing words.
I match my groans to his fathers moans. Son just retreats into a dead zone where he doesn't have to hear us voice our many fears on want [WHAT], to us, appears perfectly clear; his extravagant use, his flagrant monetary abuse.
He only deems to comes home; returning from where ever [wherever] he roams, when in need of a clean bed or, better yet, a lone [loan], as he's up *to* his ears in debt and arrears. The rest of the time he leaves us alone.
Sad to say, I'm not under any illusion, in fact I've come to the conclusion that, but for his compounded dept, he [he’d] let us bide on our own. He'd endeavor [endeavour] to disown us.
I match my groans to his fathers moans,
while his son just retreats into a dead zone
where he doesn't have to hear us voice our many fears
on what, to us, appears so perfectly clear;
his extravagant use, his flagrant monetary abuse.
He only deems to comes home;
returning from wherever he roams,
when in need of a clean bed or, better yet,
a loan, as he's up to his ears in debt.
The rest of the time he leaves us alone.
Sad to say, I'm not under any illusion,
in fact I've come to the conclusion that,
but for his compounded dept, he’d let
us bide on our own.
He'd endeavour to disown us.
Does this help?
All the best,
Steve. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Violet - nobody ever minds a poet's personal life coming into their work. That way, real emotion gets into the poetry. I think this is an absolutely genuine sounding complaint from a frustrated mother, and because of that, a lot of anger and despair comes over very well.
What is good about it is that the mother hasn't really said much about her own feelings, instead you have described the son's behaviour. That way, the reader can guess the mother's feelings even more clearly, because they know how they would feel, faced with the same situation.
There are a couple of "spellos" here; you mean "loan" in this context, and you have "dept" instead of "debt" near the end.
But, over all, you have written a really good "rant"! | Great help
Written by meadowcroft1964 (112 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | | I'd like to thank all who reviewed but a special thanks to Veronica and Steve you have both been a great help, and I'm really surprised to be referred to as a poet even though I can only hope to deserve the title. Love Violet |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
