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Great Writing - Home > Extended > Drifting - chapter nineteen
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Extended Work
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| Drifting - chapter nineteen | |
| By Jamie | ||
| 16 August 2008 | ||
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This is the nineteenth chapter in a long form story. My plan is publish all the chapters on here as I go along. I will present them as I choose, a few days interspersing the entries. All feedback, negative or positive gratefully received. I am proud of certain aspects, and ruefully aware of other areas of shortcomings and inadequacy. Rather like myself in fact. So constructive criticism or showers of stars - both interestedly received. Blunt, bored, disinterested views will be received likewise. As most of us are, who seemingly ' can't ' write with brevity, I am equally indisposed to attempt a synopsis. But... Girl has self, girl meets boy, girl loses self, girl loses boy, girl tries to find self. Girl finds a different kind of self. This would be fair, but woefully inadequate. More it is an outpouring of thoughts and words, many words along a collection of themes that had been going round and around in my head for a long time. And ultimately a traumatic time in my own life brought these feelings and thoughts rudely, and unbiddenly to the surface. So I wrote them down - a catharsis of sorts, and an interested exploration of the routine, process and 'expected' or 'required' structure of writing in long-form. Thanks for reading and your interest. I repay your time spent with gratitude and humilty. Jamie.
chapter nineteen
Dear Jon Thanks for your letter – and thanks for all the things you have said. Listening to, or reading your words is like another, much wiser part of me speaking: I know what you say is right and it is good sense. But the little you know of me must tell you that I'm not always the kind of person who follows good sense – not even when its part of the kind words of others. I know now I'm nowhere near as strong as I once thought I was. I'm not as sure in my thoughts, and not at all as secure and confident as I wanted to be. And I tried so hard not to believe or be aware of my weaknesses… But this isn’t a problem now. I tried - I failed. Now I'm bruised, scarred and I'm a little more jaded. But I'm a little wiser, a lot wearier of wearing and tearing at myself. Yes, I'm gonna repeat some of those mistakes again, and so I'm wary too. But war means being aware too. But enough of introspection and thought process - I want to try again. I'm just for wanting to get out there and just get on with my life. So I lingered down there – at ‘home’ again in Manchester for long enough. You’ll see from this postmark where I've fetched up. And with a job – a real job! Nothing wonderful, different or spectacular – just a job. But it works me hard enough to leave me less questioning at the day’s end. And the other people are just fine. I've only just got here so I don’t really know anyone yet, but now I want to start knowing, speaking to and being with other people. And this place and area is just something else… It’s a little of the something I once upon a time caught a glimpse of. It’s somewhere where I can walk in, and dream in, and be in peace and harmony and at one with me. It’s somewhere that beats a little faster than Manchester. Or Glasgow. I don’t think I pine for anything I lost anymore. Looking back and talking it through, it was almost inevitable that tears and arguments were going to happen. And this would have occurred whoever I had been with – not just with Tom. Even with… Even maybe with others whom I think a lot of and about. The sad and not-wanted thing is that I have found out it is possible to love just too much; and that, that one person’s total devotion, even if reciprocated fully is just not enough. I know now that even giving totally of something and someone that I do not love fully or respect is not a gift that will ever be looked upon fondly. I need to fully love and respect the prize of me that I want to give. But how can I giveth of my prize when I do not consider my own price? Tom once told me that we wanted different things. Well I’ve a few hollow and caustic ideas of what he wanted, but what did – what do I want? That’s the one that still has me reeling around, striking out and almost on the verge of doing silly and foolish things, because I'm still uncertain and floundering – still today. Its high time I worked out why some of my demons still torture me so, and why I let them exist. Its time I worked out how I want to live and breathe my days, before I go inflicting myself on someone else and expecting them to read and understand that which I so readily say – ‘no, I cannot’. So I'm going to immerse and plug myself into this job and into an environment – and for the first time. I will place myself in circumstances that will force me to actually live each day instead of just observing and viewing it. My job will leave me tired and unwilling to sit about and analyse and attempt to see the futilities of it. I will live in a place that will surround me with people with whom I will want to share. And this time I will not be seeking a shield - a mental or a human one, to keep them out. It will be a place that… Oh just somewhere where I will want to live my life and enjoy whatever experiences and situations that come along, instead of examining and re-examining them as I have done before, and as I'm doing again here... I've seen the pained face of my mother as she has vainfully tried to understand and re-capture me. I've winced and turned away so unfairly and unreasonably, as I've heard my native accents around me grate to my ears, rather than resonate. The only motivation that I have gained from my hometown is to make me determined to plot my way out of it. So I've got it into my head that it’s so, so right to come up here. And this time - I can’t go back again. Its gonna work this time – it’s got to. I'm gonna be strong – aware, ready, open and much more focused and determined than last time. And you are going to keep me company Jon. You’re going to stay with me as I blunder through and wander. For a long time I've been so unsure and unaware; for the last few years I've just been drifting – both mentally and literally. Now I'm just trying to find out, and see what it is I want and where I want to be. And I will do it alone if need be. But I don’t need to – I'm sure of that. Someone else... Someone else who is also not totally happy or sure of himself will be thinking of me. He is also trying to find and understand himself. And he will help someone else to be happy if she will help and think of him. I feel warmer because I can feel you near to me… …I hope you can feel that nearness and warmth too.
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