Another quick, rough draft (about two hours). For those of you who have been following Shadow Puppets (and, indeed, those who have not), Victor is the fellow who funds the institute's research into precognition.
Victor Tyson eased himself from the emperor-sized divan and hobbled towards the en suite bathroom. At the door, he turned his head to glance at the bed. Catherine was still sleeping, snug as a bug beneath jizz-covered sheets.
Turning his back towards the bathroom mirror he rubbed the purple welts on his back, embracing the pain. The ceramic floor tiles were ice-cold, adding further to the experience. As ever, at this time of the morning, he felt contented. Pain was his life.
In his days at Oxford University, Victor produced a dissertation on Friedrich Nietzsche and it was the concept of Übermensch as a goal that led him to embrace the pleasures of sadomasochism. Nietzsche had suggested that the man who lives above and beyond pleasure and suffering will treat both circumstances equally "because joy and suffering are ... inseparable". Victor derived extreme pleasure from receiving and inflicting suffering; even more so if it was a business rival on the receiving end. He ran his life and his empire like a military operation, and his sunup modus operandi helped produce the well-oiled machine that grappled with the world of high-commerce and its commodities. A stickler for detail, every ‘T‘ in Victor’s life was crossed and every ‘i‘ graced with a dot; well-rounded and positioned just so - everything in its correct place.
Sunup Modus Operandi - One: Bowel Evacuation.
As he did every morning, Victor stared at the piece of soiled toilet tissue for a few moments before folding it along the middle and squeezing the two halves firmly together. For Victor, a visit to the lavatory was about more than just emptying his bowels, it afforded him an opportunity for a little psychoanalysis, an opportunity to explore the deepest recesses of his mind. He opened up the tissue to see the pattern displayed on his excremental Rorschach test.
A bat? The wings of a dove?
Victor had also read several of the publications produced by Sigmund Freud; best known for his theories of the unconscious mind and for creating the clinical practice of psychoanalysis used in the curing of psychopathology. Although he’d not picked them up in years, Victor still owned copies of: The Ego and the ID; containing a structural theory about breaking the mind up into the id, the ego, and the superego - and a first edition of A Phylogenetic Fantasy; which explored the concept of transference neurosis.
Victor stared at the piece of soiled toilet tissue. The head of some wild animal? A mask?
One man who Victor really admired was Henry Heinz, Mr "Baked Bean" himself, and, in Victor’s considered opinion, a true philosopher in every sense of the word. Heinz was quoted as saying, "I’m not giving up, it’s a marathon, not a sprint", words that formed the basis of Victor’s mission statement for his business empire and for he himself. For when the opposition were struggling to reach the finishing line, Victor would not only ensure that he crossed in first place; he would then go the extra mile. And if that still proved insufficient to take gold he'd nobble the other competitors. As with Übermensch, Victor was no longer affected by notions of suffering and refused to pity or tolerate the weak, believing compassion to be the greatest weakness of all since it restricted the growth of the strong. It is Victor Tyson alone who determines life’s values, determines what is good and what is evil, and it is the creation of these values that brings him most joy.
Yes, as far as Victor was concerned, Heinz was definitely a man who'd known what he was talking about. But as for Freud? It was all just a load of bollocks. From personal experience, Victor knew that all a man needed to succeed in business was a business mind, and as for the superego… "Hell, once you made a fortune, a superego comes with the territory!" And thus speaks Victor Tyson.
A butterfly? Some pretty flowers?
Victor screwed up the tissue, passing it between his legs to be swallowed up by the murky depths below.
He sighed.
In all the years he’d spent sitting in lavatories staring at pieces of soiled toilet tissue, all Victor Tyson had ever seen staring back at him was a piece of shit.
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Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Mike, if you read this, I would value your input on punctuation; highlighting all the errors where/if applicable.
I've only been writing for a couple of years and punctuation is still a bit of a bugger for me.
Cheers. |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Interesting cameo - and for all its obvious distastefulness, engaging. The idea of examining his skids as if it was some ink blot test, or even tea leaves, was a good one. (One I'm going to resist on my next visit.)
Personally, I thought you were a little heavy on Freud etc.
As an initial picture of the character - revealing. There was a little 'tell' in there - especially about his business practices. Not necessarily bad, so long as it doesn't crop up too often.
Spag: There's an uncapitalised Victor in there, noble - nobble?
Very comma rich - which isn't a crit about the grammar, but it makes this a pretty heavy read.
Phil |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | Proof-reading your own work can be a real bugger! Thanks for nobble and (took me a few reads to find it) victor.
"As an initial picture, etc - 'tell' - so long as it doesn't crop up too often."
This is a once-in-a-lifetime insight, never to be repeated.
Yes, I suppose it is a bit heavy on philosophy (philosophers) but I was trying to big my work up in order to cover up the fact that it is really a load of shit.
All the best,
Steve. |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | No need to put yourself down. I thought this had more more original interest in it than most pieces on this forum. |Nothing wrong with including Freud, or anyone else, just my personal reaction that it could have been a little lighter.
Not shit - though it plays a starring role.
Phil | Lovely!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | And I don't half mean that!
Cheers!
[haven't read it of course!]
John X | Lovely!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | And I don't half mean that!
Cheers!
[haven't read it of course!]
John X | Lovey?
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | I thought I’d told you to lay off the wine, John?
And I don’t mean half measures!
Bottoms up!
[you can't read, of course!]
Mutant X
 | Lovey!
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 16th August 2008 | I thought I’d told you to lay off the whine, John?
Pissed again and seeing double?
And I don't half mean that!
Cheers!
[don't read it, of course!]
Napoleon XXX
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Jusst catcing up with this but will leave Mike to review it as requested
cheers
jane |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Will leave Mike to review it as requested?!
Well, if you're incabable of reading and understanding a short petition to a higher authority, then perhaps it's best if you do forgo a review!
I offer my work up for members to read and, if it pleases them to do so, review. Aside from that, I simply asked a master of punctuation to give my words the once over. But I apologise if you were offended by my actions. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Not offended. I just can't offer you what you specifically requested. I don't do spagging, it's not what interests me. I like to comment on story, character, theme,subtext etc. If you just want spagging I was opting out, but doing you the courtesy of saying I had still read it.
No need to be so touchy. This place used to be fun I don't know what's happened to it. |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | My apologies, Jane. Misinterpretation seems to be the in thing at the moment.
Although, I’m not only interested in punctuation - Phil spotted a couple of typos - and you’re still welcome to comment on the excrement. |
Written by Nick (163 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Mmm intriguing & disgusting in equal measures. I think you've created an interesting character in Victor, although you may run the risk of turning him into a stereotypical bad guy but judging by your other work there's no fear of that.
I must admit I've never thought of using crap in an plot test - I wonder if that silly bitch (Sorry can't remember her name) from 'You are what you eat' does this??
Nick |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | OK here goes. Well it's certainly an original way of introducing and revealing character. I accept that it is a rough draft and indeed it felt like a lot of ideas were thrown into the mix to see how they worked and I expect some will get lost in the editing to make a tighter narrative. For my money; Freud could go [ my spell checker has just queried Freud and suggested fraud; is that a correction or a value judgement?] but it's your call.
I said character revealing but while I grant it was an original and entertaining description it told us relatively little about the man beyond his unusual way of conducting a Rorschach test. I certainly got an impression of the man but that's all it was and I agree with Nick about just making him stereotypically bad and nasty. He mustn't look like one of those cartoon villains in Bond movies. Make him a rounded character. I think you hinted at more but we need to see it.
Full marks for shock originality, though. I'd be interested to see polished version, there is promise
As for the shit content, at least you are talking about it rather than producing it as some do here.
I don't know if any of this is relevant but as I do spend time on a review I'd rather know if I'm wasting my time
cheers
jane |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Thanks, Jane.
All opinions are relevant to some extent, and probably the most important part of any review (IMO) is the fact that it forces you to look at your work through someone else’s eyes.
I’m glad that you suggested losing Freud as opposed to Nietzsche, because he still has a role to play. As it is, I’ll probably keep them both. This is, so far, the longest individual section of Puppets - all of the other sections being far more fragmented - and I may decide to chop it up a bit and feed it into the story in two or three parts. The Freud element is not important to the psychoanalytical portion of this particular segment (i.e. the Rorschitz test).
Thanks for taking the time to write a review that actually offers something intelligible, as many do not.
All the best,
Steve. |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Thanks, Nick.
Fear not, there is absolutely no chance of Victor becoming a stereotypical bad guy. Even Austin Powers hasn’t come across a baddie who studies his poo - and he faced off against Fat Bastard.
Quote: I must admit I've never thought of using crap in an plot test.
Neither have I, Nick. This was more a case of a lost-the-plot test - and I’ve probably passed with flying colours.
All the best,
Steve. |
Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | Steve,
First of all, it surprises me that you've only been writing for a couple of years; your work evinces a journeyman's touch.
I couldn't find much technically wrong with this entry, but here are a few items you might want to consider.
"The ceramic floor tiles were ice-cold, adding yet [delete "yet"] further to the experience."
"During his time at Oxford University, Victor had [delete "had"] produced a dissertation on Friedrich Nietzsche and it was the concept of Übermensch as a goal that led him to embrace the pleasures of sadomasochism."
Suggested rewrite for clarity: Experiencing pain was what drove Victor. From his days at Oxford University, when he read about Friedrich Nietzche's concept of Ubermensch as a goal, Victor was drawn in by and embraced sadomasochism.
"Victor derived extreme pleasure from receiving and inflicting suffering; even more so if it was his business rivals who were suffering following one of his ‘killer deals‘."
I'd change the above sentence to: Victor derived extreme pleasure from receiving and inflicting suffering; especially if it was a business rival on the receiving end of the suffering.
"He ran his life and his business empire like a military operation [COMMA] and his sunup modus operandi helped produce the well-oiled machine that would grapple [change "would grapple" to "grappled"] with the world of high-commerce and its commodities. A stickler for detail, every ‘T‘ in Victor’s life was crossed and every ‘I‘ [I would use a lower case "i"] graced with a dot; well-rounded and positioned just so - everything in its correct place."
"He opened up the tissue to see the pattern displayed on his blot test [excremental Rorschach test]."
"Victor had also read several of the publications produced by Sigmund Freud; best known for his theories of the unconscious mind and the defence mechanism of repression, as well as for creating the clinical practice of psychoanalysis used in the curing of psychopathology. Although he’d not picked them up in years, Victor still owned copies of: The Ego and the ID; containing a structural theory about breaking the mind up into the id, the ego, and the superego - The Interpretation of Dreams - and a first edition of A Phylogenetic Fantasy; which explored the concept of transference neurosis."
As written, I don't think the above paragraph adds much to the scene or development. Nietzsche influence Victor, did Freud?
"For when the opposition were struggling to reach the finishing line, Victor would not only ensure that he crossed in first place [ADD SEMICOLON] he would then go the extra mile."
Oops, sorry, Mrs. Mike is bitch...uh, telling me to get ready to go to her brother's house. I'll have to finish this later. One last note, I like the story as a whole, but I'd like to see a little more character development. What Victor look like for example. Later.
| Troster?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 17th August 2008 | | Yes, but it's spelt wrong! |
Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 18th August 2008 | John, is that an infantile “Joke” about my surname?
“And the darkness inside can make you fell so small. I see your true colours shining through.”
Hello, again, Little John. It’s nice that you keep popping ’round to see how my work is progressing and thereby bolster my review rate, but in all honesty I think you’d be much better off playing on your own in Never-Never Land (no points for guessing who your Wendy is!).
And now for…
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Written by stevetroster (1601 comments posted) 18th August 2008 | …something completely different, a review from an intelligent man who has something worthwhile to say.
Mike, thank you for the time spent on your considered review (my regards and apologies to Mrs M).
It was January 2007 that I first placed finger (singular, as it was in those early days) to keyboard. Prior to that, I had taken a lengthy journey in my head through bizarre worlds with curious characters. Having read copious quantities of books I knew how I wanted to tell my stories, but it had been a long time since the days of English grammar classes so I had to (am still having to) relearn little things like punctuation (so your pointers here are most helpful).
So, onto your review. Most of what you have said is pretty obvious to me now that I have read the story back through in conjunction with your notes. Your subtle improvements will be made post haste.
A couple of things though:
I did actually think about using ‘excrement Rorschach test’ but wonder just how many times one can mention Rorschach in one story before his name becomes boring? So far I’ve had Timothy doing the test proper and a few impromptu tests performed with bloodied bed sheets.
It seems the consensus of intelligible reviews place Freud out of place here. However, Freud’s work is a necessary part of the story as a whole (where Timothy’s precognitive powers elevating him to the position of Übermensch, the Chi-form is the manifestation of the super-Id… Mm, how would you write super Id?).
It appears that I’ll have to move Freud somewhere else.
As for character development, I’m still very much working on the ‘meat’ at the moment. When I finally get it all into some form of workable running order I will go back in and flesh it out with a few vegetables.
Thanks for your valued input on my little yarn, all the best,
Steve.
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