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Great Writing - Home > Short S. > PB's Olympic Update: Fish, Sand, Tanks, and Cheating Cats
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| PB's Olympic Update: Fish, Sand, Tanks, and Cheating Cats | |
| By Emmuttmax | ||||||||||||
| 17 August 2008 | ||||||||||||
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More of Bob's sports commentary
PB’s Olympic Update: Fish, Sand, Tanks, and Cheating Cats
After I got home yesterday from working a mobile animal adoption, I checked in with Pathetic Bob to see how the Olympics games were coming along. He had been at my computer all day watching streaming video from the Nigerian Broadcasting Company so he wouldn’t have to listen to anymore “inspiring” treacle from NBC broadcasters. “So Bob, what’s the news from Beijing?” I asked. “Well Em,” he said, “That Phelps kid finally won his eight gold medals, and we got to watch his mom cry for the eighth time. Personally, I think anyone who immerses themselves in a liquid that fish pee in, is a little nuts, but I guess people will do anything for money.” “I don’t think Phelps did it for the money Bob; I think he did it for the glory of being an Olympic champion and for his country.” “Yeah right Em, and George Bush cut funding for child healthcare because he loves little kids. In sports today, you do your thing for lucrative endorsement contracts and to get impress babes. A month from now fish boy’s face will be on cereal boxes, and he’ll be on T.V. pitching everything from toasters to feminine hygiene products.” “That’s pretty cynical, Bob.” “No, I don’t think it’s a sin, if I was him, I’d be cashing in, too. Anyway, my favorite moment in the swimming competition was when this guy from Toon Easy won the 1.500 meters. That’s like 37 miles in American distance. And get this; I think Toon Easy is in the desert someplace. I mean, here’s this guy who lives in the desert, and he wins a race in the water. I guess swimming in sand really builds up your endurance.” “I think you mean Tunisia, and Tunisia is on the coast of Africa, so it has a lot of water.” “Whatever. Hey, they also ran the women’s marathon today; now that is really a test of athletics. Women running 126 miles in bathing suits with Red Army tanks chasing them; it doesn’t get any better than that.” I shook my head and didn’t even bother to correct him. “Well, you know I do love the track and field events.” “I know you do sweat breath, but they kinda piss me off.” “Why is that?” “Well, for example let’s take the 100 meter dash. This guy from Jamming Acre, won the race in 9.6-something seconds, and everybody went crazy. What’s the big deal? I could have run it in 4-something seconds; I’m most greyhound, remember, we’re the fastest animals on earth. I could have kicked that guy’s ass, but no, the Chinese won’t let dogs participate. In fact, did you know they eat dogs in China? Can you believe that? I could believe that, but refrained from commenting and instead said, “Uh, Bob, you know greyhounds aren’t the fastest animals on Earth; that honor actually belongs to a cat, the cheetah.” Bob looked crestfallen. “No. A cat? Really? Oh, I get it, a Cheater. No wonder they win. Are these Cheaters Chinese cats?”
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