Just a thought - someone famous (google has let me down here) said something like, "I have no fear of death - before I was born, I had been dead for billions and billions of years, and it never caused me the slightest inconvenience." I think this was quoted by Richard Dawkins in 'The God Delusion'.
Thought-provoking, I think - this piece is clumsy in that I'm experimenting with a strange rhyme scheme and the 'meter' is, well, experimental.
Cheers!
John X
Sentience
Before my birth I felt no pain
I had no sense of loss or gain.
When I was born I took it upon
myself to think, reflect on . . .
A child, I lived a life of toys
that never grew old until adult
sentience brought dull forebodings,
some occasional bright joys.
In dimness and confusion
I spent my stretching years.
Philosophies of emptiness
preached to me in tears.
A man, I live a life of ease,
that never makes real sense.
Sentience brings sharp forebodings
of pain and slow disease.
Now I wonder what will come
of all we’ve done and said.
Will there be much comfort left
in our final marriage bed?
Nothing can prepare us now,
no one explain how.
Is the trembling dark earth forewarned
of a coming fragile dawn?
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Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 19th August 2008 | I can see your rhyme scheme, Tolstoy, and I think it is after only one sees this that the poem reads a little better - my initial reading was somewhat distracted.
The metre - is that experimental? I see no form of alternating pattern in the metre - or is it just what seemed to fit at the time?
As for the content - some good descriptions. I liked the stanza 'A child, I lived a life of toys...'
Cheers | Metre, Brett?
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 19th August 2008 | Thanks for reviewing this clumsy piece!
In the sober light of today, I think I have a bit of a hotch-potch here. With a bit of syllable-swallowing in some lines, and syllable-stretching in others, I appear to have:
Lines 1 - 6 = 4 beats
Lines 7 - 10 = 3 beats
Lines 11 - 24 = 4 / 3 alternately, as in ballad form.
Does this wash, or is it a mess?!
Cheers!
John | Metre, John
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 19th August 2008 | Line 3 = 3 beats to me.
Line 7 = 4 beats (if you are stressing 'sentience' the same as in line 15.
Interesting, and may work for others, but there are already complicated forms out there to work on, and some readers of poetry struggle with those, let alone inventing a form that is a hybrid of others and expecting the reader to now what you are doing.
Cheers | Yup! Points taken!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 19th August 2008 | Thanks for looking at this so closely!
I see what you mean entirely on those two lines . . .
I think I'll have a crack at a conventional form, and spend more time over it!
Likes your 'Luc Bat' (sp?!) by the way - a very neat and effective form, and not as mind-boggling as a sestina, which I still haven't dared attempt.
Cheers!
John |
Written by punchy (576 comments posted) 19th August 2008 | I love the first 2 lines, they are classic. I did trip up slightly on the Rhythm but I am a bit tired so I shall re read.
The beginning was optimistic and then it got a bit depressing. But thats life for you, I started out optimistic and now I get depressed so a wise poem it is. x |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 19th August 2008 | A kind of version of the seven stages of man?
Interesting ideas. I too liked: A child, I lived a life of toys
There were other well expressed lines too.
The form of the poem, I have to confess, detracted rather than added. I've always thought form, at its best, should contribute to the words in the background - almost unnoticed. Here, the form stands out and was, at least for me, a little confusing. Still, I'm not the brightest.
Punchy's comment about the beginning and how it develops is a good one.
Hope his review is of some use.
Phil |
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