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| PB's Olympic Update: Puddles and Reform | |
| By Emmuttmax | ||||||||||||||||||
| 20 August 2008 | ||||||||||||||||||
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PB’s Olympic Update: Puddles and Reform
After mopping up puddles of dog urine this morning because the dogs that inhabit my house are afraid they might melt if they go outside and pee in the rain, I finally sat down with my morning coffee and daily paper. Before I could open the paper, Pathetic Bob, looking like he’d attended a three-day rave—came in a started to piss on the chair leg. “Damn Bob, what the hell are you doing?” I demanded. “Uh, sorry Em,” said Bob wiping his eyes, “I’m just tired. I’ve been watching too much Olympic coverage, and that was my daily report.” “No, that was you trying to take a piss on my chair leg.” “No, you uneven parallel bar, that was a statement. The more I watch of these ‘games,’ the sillier they seem. I think the thing that finally made me realize the Olympics had morphed from testosterone-driven, badass competition into 200-ring circus sideshow was watching the trampoline competition. Trampoline Em, can you believe it?” “I kind of like trampoline jumpers, especially if they are women…and naked.” “Well, this isn’t your ancient Greek Olympics Em; they won’t let anybody compete naked anymore. That’s really a shame, too, because it would add a whole new dimension of toughness to running over the hurdles. Anyway, it’s not just Beijing bouncing that ticks me off, they could wrap up the whole competition if they’d just eliminate all the silly sports and duplicates of the same thing.” “You know Bob, silliness is in the eye of the beholder.” “Well behold this bi-pod: Bicycle racing, team sports, boat racing, ping pong, walking, badminton, and the list goes on. In my opinion, the stupidest thing of all is any sport that has judges. Judges are for courtrooms, not sports arenas. Referees are fine, but judging the esthetic value of a performance is way too subjective.” “There are a lot of people who would agree with you Bob. Let me ask you, what would you do to improve the Olympics?” Bob thought for a minute, and then made the following statement. “I would get back to further, faster, longer. The only events would be those that are a real test of toughness. They would include running but only the marathon and the 100-meter dash. All of the rest of the races are just filler to spread the medals around. I would, however, add hurdles and water jumps to the marathon. In swimming, just the 50-meter and 26-mile races would be staged. That way, you’d find out who the fastest runners and swimmers are, as well as who can run the fastest longest and swim the fastest over a long distance. You gotta be good to win those races. I’d allow the dog paddle if they allow canines. Men’s hurdling would be allowed, but only if they run naked. Whoever won would have to be one tough son of a bitch. High jumping, long jumping, and hammer throwing are in, but pole vaulting, shot putting, and spear throwing are out. Team sports are out, and so are gymnastics. No judges. Any sport where a ball is used is out. “The best athlete of the games would be the winner of the deca-pentathalon, which would include running, swimming, cross-country horse wrestling, chainsaw fighting, roller-disco fishing, trebuchet diving, chest-hair waxing, and some more badass stuff I haven’t thought of yet.” “Well, that’s certainly interesting Bob. Perhaps you should write the Olympic organizers in London and offer your suggestion for the next Olympics.” “London! You mean in Eeng Land? Really?” “Yeah, really.” “Then I don’t think I have a chance of changing anything. As a matter of fact, those Eeng Landers will probably add more silly sports to the agenda. Did you know they play insect games and feet ball and chase foxes and don’t even speak American?” I just shook my head in amazement. “ Bob, go get a mop and clean up your statement.
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