Shall It Be?
Let us walk
like we did when our hair
was coloured with life
and not bleached by the cycling of seasons.
Let us talk
like we have just met
and your life is a mystery
hidden in a chest with the key hanging low on your neck.
Do you remember
the words
whispered over pints
and nervous hopes
floating on dark malty fears?
Does the moon remember
the candle flame
that dripped light onto our young faces
and stole moths from the night?
Let us sow
what shall be
in choices that grow like an oak,
sheltering fragile hearts, enquiring eyes
and souls that yearn
to fly together when the sun rises
and the cool of night bids the day welcome.
Then
shall it be
that fears dissipate
and hopes harden to the concrete
of a life lived with marriage vows fulfilled.
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Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 19th August 2008 |
I found this piece beautiful, a celebration of lifetime of love - or faith for such.
These lines were particularly beautiful for me.
"the candle flame
that dripped light onto our young faces"
It painted an intimate picture of the dancing flames casting flickering lights on the young lovers' faces.
And the last line
"of a life lived with marriage vows fulfilled."
was impacting. The picture of a man and his wife who choose to keep their marriage vows, beyond just marital faithfulness, but 'through thick and thin, (sick and sin?)' was deeply moving to me.
Only thing that didn't work for me was 'hopes harden...' The word 'harden' seems to imply bitterness or cynicism to me rather than strength or firmness. But that's a minor point.
Loved it.
Mia  |
Written by grace (298 comments posted) 20th August 2008 |
This is just beautiful. The imagery you employ is original and charming. You take us on a journey through lives lived in happiness but with all its uncertainties and hesitance. It culminates in the knowledge that love has bound two lives in marriage to the total contentment of both parties.
The overall feeling is gentle but believable,
a charming read, Gracex |
fine
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 20th August 2008 |
and unusually un-cynical, with its aim of "life lived with marriage vows fulfilled." Some delicate and sweet images here, and I particularly liked "dripped light onto our young faces
and stole moths from the night".
The only criticism I'd make is that the opening implies the couple are already ageing (when our hair
was coloured with life
and not bleached by the cycling of seasons.) - but the final stanzas are an expression of hope for a future marriage after remembering youthful meetings. I don't think this is a problem; it's only the tenses of the final stanzas that I find slightly out of kilter and only from a narrative point of view. And it could, as they say, be me. |
Written by Robru (319 comments posted) 20th August 2008 |
I go with Fellpony but this a truly beautiful poem as it is. A celebration of life and love shared with positive contentment for both. I love it.
Cheers
Bob |
Written by Phil (8763 comments posted) 20th August 2008 |
Lovely piece. Enjoyed.
Phil |
Rich imagery through language!
Written by Brett (2419 comments posted) 20th August 2008 |
This is a beautiful poem, and I can't really add much to what has already been said.
Predictably, I did like 'the words/whispered over pints/and
nervous hopes/floating on dark malty fears' - lovely stuff!
Also 'in choices that grow like an oak'
Enjoyed this very much.
Cheers |
thanks
Written by footy (39 comments posted) 21st August 2008 |
thank you all
for the excellent
critiques
footy |
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