This poem that I have produced is about a young woman who used to work in a pub in a Shropshire market town. I went to this pub on one December evening, and when I saw this woman there, I was quite taken by her. As time went on, I tried to socialize with this woman, but I did not pluck up the courage because I let my shyness give way. Anyway I will now leave you to read my poem. I would be grateful of any ideas or suggestions on changes to the poem where necessary.
A Thirst for The Barmaid
It's Christmas 1999,
Inside The Talbot Inn in Much Wenlock,
I sit at the table,
Bright yellow flames billowing heat from the open fire,
Warming the side of my face,
Curtains are drawn,
Wall lights radiate an opaque glow through cotton lampshades,
The inn is devoid of customers,
No one serves behind the bar,
My gaze is impressed on to the barmaid,
She sits on the other side of the room,
Musing over a magazine
Her eyes pleasing and benign,
Coffee-brown hair tied into a ponytail,
Unveils her long, soft ivory features,
The small thin nose stands gently out from her face
A neck as slender as a wineglass,
Her posture relaxed and sinuous like a silver birch,
My heart starts pounding,
Like someone banging on a door,
I want to make conversation with her,
My inhibitions have tied me to my seat,
I take a sip of ale,
Trying to wash down my shyness,
My legs are clamped to the chair
Only my stair tells the barmaid that I love her
08/22/2008 1:06PM
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Written by Phil (7169 comments posted) 22nd August 2008 |
For me, this reads like a recount - with a little flowery language. Some pieces written as poetry are crying out for a fuller treatment in prose or or a more focussed treatment in verse. The way I'm reading it's one of those. Not being a poet, it's hard to advise. Free verse is fine when it works but very flat when it doesn't - I'm not sure this does justice to the barmaid or your feelings in its present form. For something that happened 9 years ago it must have made an impression - it's that impression you need to get across to the reader.
Hope this helps.
Phil |
Agree with Phil
Written by Brett (1113 comments posted) 23rd August 2008 |
I think this does need a rewrite - either as a more formal structure of verse (a sonnet perhaps) or as a piece of prose.
Let's be honest, if the subject is of that most revered profession - the barmaid, she deserves only the finest verse. What a sterling job they do, taking into account that they have to put up with idiots like me.
Cheers |
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