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The Other Side of the Water (part 2 of 2)
By Hellcat
23 August 2008
This is the second part. I don't really like debriefing y'all before ye finish the story but I'm sure you're aware of the comparison I'm trying to make here....



“Hi Jeff, how’s it going?”

The two men shook hands. “Aye, not bad for a Monday. Take a seat. Ye know the procedure, let’s get this done. I’m sure we’ve got other things to do but ye know what the bureaucracy is like; gotta get it down on paper.”

“Of course, no worries. Horrible thing to have happen, ey?” The officer sat opposite Jeff and pulled his chair a bit closer. “Got the tape running too?”

“Aye. Now, on ye go.”

“Right, well. We got a call...”

“We?”

“Yeah, sorry. Me and Mark Wilson, my partner yesterday. We got a call of a disturbance on Queen Street, the one with the wee bridge - the overpass - there’d been shouting or something, it was unclear what exactly. Anyway, we got there and found this guy, he was just lying there under the bridge. Took a few minutes to find him.  Someone said they’d heard shouting. I don’t think anyone wanted to get involved. We thought maybe he was just a drunk; some guy down on his luck, started drinking a bit too early in the day, y’know?”

“Hmm.” Jeff barely looked up from his note-taking but nodded every now and then.

“So we called out; told him we were the police, asked him if he was alright. He didn’t respond so we got closer and repeated ourselves.  He started saying something but  we couldn’t make out what; he was…not quiet slurring but he wasn’t making a whole lot of sense.  At this point, my thinking was if we managed to get this guy on his way, he’d make it home and we could respond to another call in the area. Wilson was a bit more concerned. Said he dealt with drunks every weekend; - you know how town gets when the young ‘uns go out drinking - said he wasn’t laying the way a drunk person would lay.  Wilson got down on his knees and in the guy’s face, “Hey, it’s a kid,” he said. I thought that was a bit odd; - a kid lying under a bridge completely wasted.”

“Drunk.”

“Yeah. I mean, I’ve not ever heard of that - kids having a sly drink in the park, maybe.…anyway, we asked if he was alright but he couldn’t make proper words. He was groaning real quiet. I thought he was going to have to get his stomach pumped. Wilson put his hand on the lad’s shoulder to turn him over. The kid almost screamed, looked like he was in a lot of pain, could tell by his face.” The officer fell quiet for a moment as his own face tensed.

“Carry on,” Jeff looked up from his notes.

“Must have stirred him a bit, he was slightly more coherent. Kept saying something about his back, over and over. Poor kid was crying too. Wilson called for the meds before I even realised what must have happened.”

“He’s been on the beat since he was younger than you,” Jeff nodded. “It’s a good thing you managed to find the kid - that road is always pretty much deserted on a Sunday.”

“Have you heard how he’s doing?”

“Mm. He broke his back, so the surgery took quite a while. Had to fix up his heel too, he broke that as well.  He was resting up by lunchtime today though. From what you could gather from him - and he was rather groggy from the medication - was that he was dared to jump from the over pass to the road by his friends.”

“And he did it,” the officer shook his head.

“He did. Only, when he hit the ground, he didn’t get up. His buddies must have panicked. They bailed, just left him there. If you hadn’t have found him, he would have been there all night. Shock or hypothermia would have got him.”







Reviews
The story
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 23rd August 2008
 
The real news story

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 24th August 2008
Interesting way to portray the story - the horrible way it happened and an alternative, acceptable version.  
 
As far as narrative writing goes - the first was a much better read. There was tension and a build up to a climax. (That didn't quite come.) Good writing there. The second was a little more mundane. There was no tension to really draw in the reader. 
 
The dialogue was handled pretty well in both. 
 
I can see why you wrote like this - my comments, particularly the negative ones, relate to the pieces as story telling rather than moralising. 
 
It's a foul news story. Based on prejudice, ignorance and fear (possibly) these two officers probably came close to killing the victim. 
 
I have a vague recollection of this, so the story must have made the UK news. 
 
Interesting read. 
 
Phil
Thank you
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 24th August 2008
I was starting to think it was so bad that none of you guys would even go near it! 
 
I'm glad the dialogue was acceptable - haven't used it that much since school - thought I'd lost the touch for it. 
 
I knew something was off about this piece and you're right - it's the build up - I'm gonna have to think on how to improve it. 
 
It's the first thing I've finished for ages, so thank you for reviewing it Sensei Phil ;)
PS
Written by Hellcat (63 comments posted) 24th August 2008
Never have I appreciated living in teh UK so much after reading these American cop brutality stories. :sigh

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 24th August 2008
I'm not sure what point you were making with the two different versions but they both "read" well. I agree with Phil that the first one worked better as a dramatic narrative. It was pacier and had more dramatic tension. The dialogue exchanges were a bit shorter which helps. In real life people seldom get to make long speeches without being interrupted. 
 
Also in the first the characters' agendas helped to drive the piece which gave it depth. 
Because there was little conflict in the second it didn't work so well as drama. It is always conflict that powers drama. 
I'm responding to the works purely on a dramatic level. I must admit I was more reassured by the second but was more gripped by first.  
 
think you could work on the dialogue a bit and use it to define character more clearly and introduce subtext which would give us the real story 
cheers 
jane

Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 24th August 2008
I was disappointed by this one. I was expecting a continuation of the other, rather than a different version of events.  
I wanted the cops to get their come-uppance when it was discovered what was really wrong with the boy.

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