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Poetry


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Living her life

By Artemis

25 August 2008

I suppose this poem can be summed up by the phrase 'mind your own business'.

She married young, for love, she said: too young for love, they sniffed.
The rice they threw fell pattering, a dry and empty drift.
They freely gave their kind advice instead of wedding gifts,
"Time will rue".

But little time is left from having five jobs underway,
Work, eat, work, sleep, work and do without to put some cash away.
Kisses snatched in passing in the dingy, peeling hallway,
Rent is due.

Friends questioned why she'd want to miss their giggling in bars
Stepping back from dating dramas, new shoes and ogling stars
But when you close the cage yourself you can see through the bars
One now two.

Reviews

Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 25th August 2008

Enjoyed. The last 2 lines of the final stanza - that was interesting. Marriage is a cage? Perhaps even a voluntary imprisonment with an inmate of your choice? Liked the light touch and the subtle wit. Don't know about rhythm - felt a little awkward in places, but I'm not good at detecting those things anyway.

Maybe you should have given this the title 'Mind your own business' as you summed up in your intro???

Mia :grin

Beautiful!
Written by JohnnyD (106 comments posted) 25th August 2008

This is just the expression that came out after reading the last line... Superb ending! Loved the way you expressed the reality...

The last line of each stanza is magnificent!

Johnny D

Written by grace (173 comments posted) 26th August 2008

Hi artemis,

the warning delivered by the cynics at the start seems to have foundation in the second stanza, but of course, everyone has to work hard and do without in the early years of marriage. For me, the third stanza has a feeling of contentment with her lot, despite the bars.

A thought provoking piece, very well written,

Pamx

Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 26th August 2008

Nice one A - I wonder who or what inspired this?
The only line I had a worry with was the "work, eat, work"... one where I think a few too many syllables might have crept in.

But the closing cage was a very interesting metaphor for marriage...

An interesting read, and a quirky poetic form.

V

been there
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 18th November 2008

done that -- but from a male viewpoint

Interesting form, but I think the technical issues have been covered .

Enjoyed the content

patterjack

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