[in the mayors headquarters  a group of harassed PR officials are seated round a table. Boris walks in swathed in the union jack, his shock of white hair is wildly unkempt. He runs a hand through it, a badger jumps out, but his hand is caught there]

BORIS-  Hello peasants. I’m the mayor of London, Y’know. Ohmigosh…yes..well. umm

GARVIS-  Yes, Boris we know. We work for you. How was Beijing?

BORIS-  Umm, yes of course, but I just like saying it .It really pisses off Livingstone. I- um- say could someone get my hand free.

[an assistant goes to cupboard and brings out a small garden rake they keep for this purpose]

BORIS-   Umm-  I think you got it wrong. I’ve been to the Olympics, not Beijing. Catch me going there!! They're all bloody commies aren’t they?

GARVIS- Where did you think the Olympics were then, Boris?

BORIS- Olympia where else?

ZANDRA- No Boris not Olympia. The Olympics were in Beijing

BORIS- I wondered why we didn’t take the underground….. and , I –um- did think there were a lot of Chinese immigrants there. I was going to have a word with Cameron about it.

GARVIS- Oh god you didn’t put your foot in it again, Boris?

 BORIS-   No not me- Ohmigosh, soul of discretion, don’t you know. It was bad enough apologising to those whining Liverpudlians without having to tug the old forelock to a bunch of Chinkies. Never said a word.

GARVIS- That’s right Boris, you remembered. You don’t do any thing and you don’t say anything.

BORIS- Yes –um- that’s all I’ve  ever heard since becoming mayor. If I’d known it was this easy I’d have done it years ago- Well,-um yes-  I don’t know. All that fuss Livingston made, and there is bugger all to do.

 GARVIS- That’s right Boris so long as you don’t actually do anything, things will be fine. London just runs itself, really.

BORIS- You can’t imagine all the work I had to do as an MP. Ohmigosh, um -a bloody constituency meeting with the proles once a month, and charging down to London to support that frightful oik Cameron…Good God, it was bloody exhausting. Not to mention getting pestered in Waitrose by old trouts complaining about the sodding buses.

ZANDRA-  [in total disbelief]  So you didn’t know you were in Beijing, then?

BORIS- Well I –um- knew it wasn’t bloody Henley, still it didn’t matter. The important thing is I got to appear on telly without Merton or Hislop making me look like a total arse.
 

GARVIS- The thing is Boris that next time the Olympics will actually be in London and…

[Boris interrupts him]
 

 BORIS- Oh yes -um London. I’m the mayor .Did I tell you? You should have seen that awful oik Livingstone’s face. Told him to take his bloody lizards and f……

GARVIS- Yes, fine Boris but it’s really important that we do it right. So we need you to….

 BORIS- Don’t you worry I’ll be out there waving the flag. I’ve actually got one of my own here. I’ll be there doing  the…..–ummm- well, yes as mayor I’ll be doing……. 

[he looks round the room]

So what exactly will I be doing?

ALL SIX EXECS-  Nothing, Boris. Absolutely nothing.

BORIS- But I’m the mayor….and I’ve got my flag.

ZANDRA- Well we’ve worked out a schedule for you for the next Olympics. It starts with a good will trip to Iceland.

BORIS- I usually go to Sainsburys

GARVIS- The country, Boris. You’re going to the country.

BORIS-  Hmmm yes,a bit bloody cold!!

ZANDRA- And then there’s a fact-finding trip to Azerbyjain.

BORIS-  For the Olympics??

ZANDRA- Got to cover all the bases. We don’t want to caught out. In fact we’ve go a full itinerary for you for the next four years.

BORIS-  Ohmigosh. Well um it all sounds exciting I’d better hold a press conference.

GARVIS- Do you think you could lose the flag before that, Boris.

 BORIS-  Ah yes well ummm It’s just that I seem to have lost all my clothes on the way back.So it’s best if I keep it  for the time being

 [there is a sudden fevered scrambling as six people search for their mobiles and click away]