Great Writing - Home > Advice from the community > Advice on ending a short story
Advice from the community
Advice on ending a short story
By Leigh
28 August 2008
Hope I've posted this in the correct place.  I just didn't want to place what I consider to be an incomplete piece of work in the Shorts section.

I wrote this, entitled Flash Harry, for the women's mag market (so don't expect Ibsen), but I have lost all confidence in my writing these last few months and am having a total block at present (actually it's taken a bit of courage to even post this).

The ending is so corny and rushed and not really a proper ending at all, it just tails off.  I could do with some ideas on how I could finish it in a much stronger way.  Can anybody assist?

Flash Harry



Shona scanned the fun run crowd for Harry’s hat.

The closed-off high street was an ocean of heads on this humid June Sunday, two thousand heads to be precise, but a wizard’s hat ought still to be conspicuous. She hoped so – it was her only way of recognising the unfamiliar Harry.

Shona limbered up self-consciously as she wove through the runners and walkers. She hadn’t anticipated being alone. Nigel, a workmate, was to be her running mate – until this morning when he’d wheezily phoned her.

“Won’t be up to it, sorry. Gone down with a stinking cold. Doubt I’ll be in work tomorrow either.”

“No worries, Nige. Dose yourself up and get back to bed.”

“My neighbour Harry mentioned he’s doing it, though, if you want company. He’ll go at your pace. He’s been very poorly, so having to take it easy.”

“How will I know him?”

“You shouldn’t miss him,” Nigel spluttered, “says he’ll be wearing a wizard’s hat. He’s had it years apparently, it’s a good luck thing.” He was about to say more, but his voice gave way into a torrent of breathless coughs.

“You get back to bed, Nige,” Shona sympathised, “I’ll find him.”

She saw the enormous pointed hat bobbing near the starting line. She was rather surprised to find its owner amongst the mainly serious runners who flocked to the front of the crush, intent on completing their six miles in speedy times. Silly costumes tended to be worn by the less competitive participants nearer the back.

She approached the man, who with his back to her was doing a sedate jog on the spot.

“Excuse me. Harry?”

“Yes?” He turned round, and Shona’s jaw dropped. Harry looked at least eighty.

Nigel had to be having a laugh. “He’ll go at your pace” indeed. Yeah right, she may be no Kelly Holmes but she didn’t quite need a Zimmer frame to manage six miles. Still, she’d committed herself now, no harm being pleasant to the old boy.

“I’m Shona.” She instinctively adopted the loud, slow tone she used with her hard-of-hearing granddad. “I work with Nigel.”

“Nigel?”

“He should have been here too, of course, but he’s not very well. He told me to look out for you.”

“Well how do you do, Shona?  I hope you can keep up with me.” Harry said this with a twinkle in his eye, though gave Shona an odd look when she laughed.

She decided he was a sweet soul and that she would remain with him today, if only to ensure he survived the course.

“How are you feeling?” she yelled, loath to ask him direct questions about the nature of his illness.

Harry looked slightly baffled again. “Never better, my dear. I’m seventy-eight and on top form.”

“Seventy-eight? Wow!”

“Eh up, we’re about to get going.”

He patted her arm bossily and bent his little knees into a starting position, concentrating on the race official’s commands.

When the starting gun blasted, the runners at the front zoomed away like hares – including Harry. Shona, concerned her new friend had failed to pace himself, speeded up to keep alongside him.

By the one-mile mark, though, he wasn’t even panting. Unlike Shona.

“You all right there, dear?” he asked.

“Mnff,” she managed.

“Can be a bit of a struggle when it’s muggy like this, eh?” Harry smiled sympathetically. Shona was doused in sweat. “I must admit, though, I don’t usually bother with these short distance events. I’m more of a marathon man.”

Marathons?

“Done London a few times. Few half marathons too – Great North Run, things like that. I like to support this one, though. The charity was so marvellous with my grandson.”

“Grandson?” Shona puffed, forced to slow to a trot.

The Simon Evans Trust, for which this annual event raised funds, provided care and counselling to cancer patients.

Somewhere in the corner of Shona’s mind a penny was dropping.

“Yes, he’s taking part today, with a few pals. Now if you don’t mind, I’d quite like to try and beat my time from last year so I’m going to get a wriggle on.”

“No problem.” Oh bliss, she could stop pushing herself to keep up with him. “See you at the finish line.”

“Cheerio Shona,” Harry called back as he sprinted away on his spindly legs, “good luck.”

******

“The old man left you standing then?”

Four miles on, Shona had abandoned all pretence of running and was massaging her side, suffering from stitch, as streams of people overtook her.

She turned to encounter a lithe young man with genial brown eyes and the most lovable smile.  Wearing a wizard’s hat.

“You wouldn’t be Harry’s grandson, by any chance?”

He broke away slightly from the two friends who accompanied him. “Harry junior. And I gather you’re Shona.”

Shona couldn’t help laughing, despite feeling like a blushing, dripping mess beneath his gaze. “Your granddad must think I’m crackers. So it’s you who’s Nigel’s neighbour. He just told me to look out for a wizard’s hat.”

“He wouldn’t know I had one done for Gramps as well.” Shona noticed how attractively Harry’s hair curled on his damp forehead beneath the hat. “I spotted you down the front talking to Gramps. We stuck at the back, let the serious runners go on ahead. I guessed you were Nigel’s colleague but couldn’t catch up to say hello until now.”

“Harry senior ran me ragged.”

“He’ll have finished and be enjoying a cup of tea somewhere by now. He’s such an inspiration to me. I took up jogging after I got the all-clear three months ago.”
Shona was humbled by the energy and pluck she’d witnessed today. She had no excuse to be out of breath. “I could do with doing the same.”

“I run on Tuesday evenings,” Harry looked at her hopefully, “if you fancy joining me.”

“Tuesdays sound good.”

“We could replace a few calories by going for a bite to eat afterwards.”

“Can’t wait.”

Shona may have been one of the last to straggle home in the run, but felt what she had won was far more appealing.

Reviews

Written by SareRAH (7 comments posted) 16th October 2008
I know what you mean about the ending. 
Possibly finish with the line 'if you fancy joining me'. 
Or you could have the old Harry waiting at the finish line with Harry junior and Shona coming to the finish together, and old Harry making some comic remark. 
I'm not sure otherwise. 
But it's good anyway! I liked it. :)

Written by Leigh (410 comments posted) 18th October 2008
Thanks for taking the trouble to read this SareRAH. Plenty to bear in mind there. 
 
Glad you liked the story anyway!

Written by orchidjones (1 comments posted) 29th October 2008
Hi Leigh, 
Been a while since you posted this but only just saw it. Did you fix your ending problem yet? 
I really liked your story but my feeling is the twist comes to early and then you switch to a romance angle.  
I liked the image of Shona of running along struggling to keep up with the older Harry. Perhaps then your ending could be her crossing the line with him - having done better than she thought and perhaps him suggesting she teams up with younger Harry on a regular basis - so the penny drops. 

Written by Leigh (410 comments posted) 29th October 2008
Many thanks for the suggestion Orchid. Your comments are really interesting. 
 
No, I haven't revised the ending yet. I have just started the Open University Start Writing Fiction course (which I highly recommend, btw) so all my time is taken up with that at present. But I have received some good alternatives here so will revisit it in due course! 
 
Leigh

Written by Livinginanattic (473 comments posted) 31st October 2008
Loved the dialogue between Shona and Harry Senior, the humour worked really well and I liked the way he confounded her preconceptions about him. I guessed early on that he was not the Harry she was supposed to meet, but that did not detract from my enjoyment of the piece. 
 
Since I'm not part of your target audience the romantic ending wasn't really my sort of thing, but I think it would be worth looking at the structure of the whole story. Perhaps you could make it into a two-parter. I can just see Shona having a whole new set of preconceptions about Harry Junior's illness which you could bring into the story, if that's the direction you want to go in. 
 
Hope this helps.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item