Caught With Your Pants Down

[The Rum Runners’ practice; they’ve made it to the final of a prestigious battle of the bands competition, and they’re waiting for a photographer to come and take their picture for the magazine. Jinks is on the phone, Stan’s sat making a joint, Mitch isn’t there yet. Jonny’s dressed for the occasion.]

Jinks – Yeah yeah, it’s number 26… next to the chip shop.  The door’s un-locked, we’re on the first floor so just come on up. See you soon, bye.

 [Hangs up.] That was Deborah, that photographer bird, she’s on her way. I see you’ve made an effort Jonny.

Jonny – Me rock & roll attire?

Jinks – You look like you’re on a summer holiday, d’you have to where that hat?

Stan – I think you look cool Jonno.

Jinks [To Stan.] – And you. That bird’s on her way… you might wanna hide your Mary Joanna.

[Stan just nods and carries on rolling.]

Jinks – Anyway. She’ll probably be doing a write up to go with the photos, so it’d be good to make an impression. She sounds a bit posh as well, so let’s try and act a bit classy eh… [Mitch comes in, lookingdownhearted.] Don’t want her thinking we’re a set of scum bags do we?

Jonny [To Mitch.] - What’s up with you?

Mitch – Got caught wanking last night.

Jonny [Looks shocked but laughing, Jinks looks a bit disappointed.] – What?!

Mitch – Yeah, my mum thought I was out playing football… came in to get my washing…

Jonny [Laughing.] – And she caught you knocking one out? What happened?

Mitch – Tried to roll over… so she didn’t see, fell off my fucking bed didn’t I, nearly broke my arm! [Jinks shaking his head] Can’t believe she came in!

Jonny – But what’d your mum do?

Mitch – Closed her eyes and said she was sorry… then carried on getting my washing… as if nothing had happened!

Jonny – Ha, bet you wish you did your own now… unlucky mate!

Jinks – Unlucky...? don’t be soft, that’s not unlucky… A squirrel, with nut allergy, that’s unlucky… or a mole with claustrophobia. Getting caught polishing your sword, and by your own mother, that’s just fucking careless!

Mitch – Alright, alright. C’mon, it’s not like you lot have never got caught with your trousers down.

Jinks – Well I haven’t.... have you Stan?

Stan [Stan has stopped rolling and started writing something on a bit of paper.] - Don’t think so?

Jonny – I dropped Shelly’s digital camera in a wishing well once…

Jinks – Did you make a wish?

Jonny – Yeah, I wished I’d not dropped it in.

Mitch – What’s that gotta do with losing your dignity?

Jonny – Well you see, we fished it out of the well… and it looked broken, but Shelly’s dad knows a bit about electrics, so she gave it to him to have a look at… see if he could mend it. Thing was, she’d not had it long, got it for her birthday, and you know when you get a new camera, you take pictures of everything don’t you, especially when you’re drunk. Well we’d been out drinking, don’t remember coming home, or taking any photos. We were round at her parents when he managed to get it working again… success could never have been so unfortunate. Using the 40 inch TV as a monitor and the living roomas a cinema…. the whole of Shelly’s family got to see a giant photo of me, taking a shit…. stood up, just about to wipe my back side…

Mitch - Ha ha… hang on, stood up? You wipe your arse standing up?

Jonny – Yeah why?

Mitch – Didn’t know anyone did that.

Jinks – Me neither, sounds a bit wrong to me… is that not a bit difficult?

Jonny – No, it’s a personal preference isn’t it!

Mitch – What do you mean?

Jonny – You know… when there’s no right and wrong way of doing something… like having goose at Christmas… or saying scone and scon.

Mitch – Which do you say?

Jonny – Scone.

Mitch – But why? It’s pronounced scon, like one... and gone.

Jonny – And it’s pronounced scone like stone… or bone. It doesn’t matter, it’s a personal preference.

Mitch [To Jinks.] - Which do you say?

Jinks – Scone, depends where you’re from doesn’t it.

Mitch [Shaking his head.] - What do you call it Stan? Scone or scon?

[They look at Stan, he doesn’t answer, just carries on writing.]

Jinks [Looking a bit puzzled.] - What you writing there mate?

Stan [Stan looks up.] - Just some lyrics I’ve thought up, d’you wanna hear ‘em?

Jinks – Yeah alright.

Stan – ‘Call tall Paul to his stall, his friend’s had a fall off a wall he got knocked off by a ball he fell ALL of thirty feet…’

[Looks of uncertainty from everyone.]

Jinks – That’s interesting mate… I’d keep… working on it though.

Mitch – I’ve got some lyrics for ya. ‘I saw a girl the other day, she liked to show her front, but I said I’ve seen your tits, I’ve seen ‘em both, now show us your…’

[Behind Mitch, where he can’t see her, the photographer has just appeared in the door. Jinks sees her.]

Jinks  – MITCH! [Then to the photographer.] Hello.

[Mitch turns round.]

Photographer – Hi, are you The Rum Runners?

[She’s tall, pretty, posh, dressed like she works in a creative industry. Stan sees her and quickly hides his weed.]

Jinks – Yeah, hi.

Photographer [Going to shake Jinks’ hand.] – Deborah Middleton… Lewisham Gazette.

Mitch [Getting up to butt in, wants to shake her hand first.] -Mitchell Walker, lock up your daughters, ha, hi. [Shakes her hand.]

Jinks [Shaking her hand.] – Tony Kajinski, we spoke on the phone. And this is Jonny, our guitarist…

Jonny [Shaking her hand.] – Hi.

Jinks – Mitch you’ve just met and that’s Stan over there, he plays bass.

[Stan gives her a wave and goes back to his writing.]

Jinks – So what’s the plan then?

Deborah – OK, like I mentioned on the phone, I just want to get a couple of shots of you all together, and afterwards ask you few questions about the band, it shouldn’t take too long.

Mitch – You can take as long as you want, Deborah.

Jinks [To Deborah.] – Alright, we might as well do the photos first,where do you want us?

Deborah [Getting her camera out of its case.] – Well, I was thinking, it would probably be good if I could take you up against that wall.

[Mitch’s face lights up and looks at Jonny who smirks.]

Deborah – We could try a few different positions… [Mitch lets out a laugh/grunt. Deborah looks at Mitch as if to say what’s-he-laughing-at?] And hopefully get something you’re all happy with. Are you ready now?

Jinks – Yeah alright, come on lads. Stan, lets get to it.

[Camera goes to Mitch who’s taking his top off.]

Jinks – What you doing Mitch?

Mitch [Flexing his fat arms.] – I thought Deborah might wanna meet the twins, thunder & lightening.

Jinks – No she doesn’t want to meet the twins.

Mitch – Well Jonno’s got that hat!

Jinks – Well that’s his problem. Put your top back on that’s bloody disgusting!

[They line up against the wall, Deborah’s telling them where she wants them to stand, then she clicks the camera, and with each click a different photo appears on the screen. This happens seven times, with the camera holding longer on the last one, the one they’ll use.]

Deborah – Right, that should do it. I got some good shots there. You can relax now.

Mitch – Can we decide which one we want to use?

Deborah – We normally choose back at the studio, if that’s OK?

Mitch – Alright.

Jinks – Yeah that’s fine, and thanks for coming. Did you say you had a couple of questions to ask us?

Deborah – Yes, I’ll just get my notebook.

[She puts the camera away and gets her notebook out.]

Deborah – OK, let’s just re-cap on your names. So you’re Tony… singer, and you’re Jonny, guitar… That’s…?

Jinks – Stan… bass.

[Stan’s gone back to his writing, gives another little wave.]

Deborah – And you’re Mitch… drums.

Mitch – Yeah.

Deborah – And you’re called The…

Jinks – Rum Runners.

Deborah – How long have you been together?

Jinks [Looking at the others.] – I think about a… year?

Jonny – A year, yeah.

Deborah – What type of music do you play?

Jinks – Erm… indie music, I guess.

Jonny/Mitch – Yeah.

Mitch – D’you know who’s on first in the final?

Deborah - Oh yeah, I meant to tell you… you guys are on last.

Mitch - Oh nice one, headlining!

Deborah - Black Bikini Special are on first, Woodstock Bladen second, then The Demonic Caesars third...

Jinks - Yeah saw them on MySpace, what a quartet of cocks! [Camera looks at Jonny, who squirms/fakes laughter.] Little leather jackets…

Jonny [Worried he might be seeing her again later that afternoon.] – Are you… are you gonna be taking every band’s photo then Deborah?

Deborah – Yes I’m doing them all.

Jonny – Oh right.

Mitch – That’s a lot of traveling around.

Deborah – Yes, I enjoy it though, it’s interesting.

Mitch – Do you live in London?

Deborah – I was born in Buckinghamshire, but I live in Holborn now.

Mitch – Oh I know Holborn, I used to work there.

Deborah – Oh right.

Mitch – There was a pub I used to go in, called the Whale And Whistle, great pub, great juke box.

Deborah – I know which one you mean. It’s not a pub anymore.

Mitch – No?

Deborah – I think they went bankrupt. They converted it into an up-market café. We sometimes go there on a Sunday for tea and scons or a…

Mitch– Scon! You say scon! [To everyone.] See… Deborah knows what she’s talking about… [Then toDeborah.] Jonno wipes his arse standing up!

[Silence and looks of shock.]

Deborah [Breaking the silence.] – Right, I think I’ve got everything I need now, thank you for your time.

Mitch – Thank you.

Jonny – Yeah, thanks Deborah.

Jinks – I’ll see you to the door.

[Jinks walks her to the door of the practice room.]

Deborah – Good luck with the competition.

Jinks – Thanks, bye for now.

Deborah – Bye.

[Jinks walks back up to the lads.]

Mitch – She was a bit of alright! That didn’t go too bad did it!

[Jonny laughing.]

Jinks – I think it could have gone better.

Jonny – Think we made an impression then?

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