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By Katanga
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30 August 2008 |
Any introduction would dig me into a deeper hole in the sand . . .
And I forgot my dark glasses . . .
Cheers!
John X
On the Beach
A goddess lies prostrate in front of me
and, using Evian to cool her feet,
is well aware that I can clearly see
each sensual flourish of her youth's conceit.
What vanity boasts behind those shaded eyes?
What past, what future, do her treasures hold?
A multitude of broken hearts and sighs,
that echo through my mind as I grow old.
Distracted by her youth I know full-well
I should be somewhere else and thinking straight,
but somehow nothing's lost and what the hell?
This old man opens his last garden gate,
for now, in answer to my dream's request,
she's using Evian to cool her breasts.|
Tolstoy needs a hole in the sand
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 30th August 2008 | by the sounds of things! As touching and reflective on both youth and age this may be in its intent, it doesn't disguise the fact that you're a pervy lech (then you've never disguised that before!).
I actually like this piece (so what does that say about me?!) but I felt the metre falter in line 9 (Alexandrine rather than pentametre, I felt, but you may be skipping 'I am' - or an iamb, ho, ho, ho! Shocking!)
Hope you've had a good holiday.
Cheers | Dead right, Brett!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 30th August 2008 | On all counts!
I've just edited line 9 back to 5 feet instead of 6.
Thanks for spotting that . . .
It must be the sun and ouzo!
Cheers!
Tolstoy |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 30th August 2008 | Well I laughed - so what does that say about me too?
Enjoyed this too - but not half as much as you seem to have done.
Phil |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 30th August 2008 | This one has a flavour of our friend patterjack's style about it, and it's a sonnet too. I never said that was a bad thing!
It was probably an Evian bottle containing seawater! |
Written by Robru (272 comments posted) 30th August 2008 | | It is a well known fact that a man is only as old as his looks; when he stops looking - he's dead. |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 31st August 2008 | | Hmmm - The p;roblem is that if the goddess spends too long lying prostrate in the hot sun, she might get wrinkles at an early age, and then you may have to write another poem. On the other hand, it sounds as if, for yourself, you've had the ingredients for a super holiday. I enjoyed your poem. |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 5th September 2008 | | I don't know you well enough to call you a "pervy lech" (as I recently said to the "astronomer" in the flat across the road). For me, this is just a piece of well-written, lighted-hearted observation (there's a certain upmarket TV commercial quality to it) - and the last line seems to provide a lovely sort of sudden release. Very entertaining read. | Thanks Coosh . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 5th September 2008 | . . . Josie, Bob, Veronica, Phil and Brett! Kind reviews!
Coosh - you may call me a 'pervy lech' any time! I'ts a pretty accurate description . . .
Cheers!
John |
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