I have come up with a story which I have begun to write the basic structure too. This is my first chapter. Its essentially the ending at the beginning. A flash forward. I would really welcome any comments including constructive critiscism.
Now they were behind her. Approaching quickly.
Desperately she scooped the keys back up and fumbled with the key fob to open the door to her brand new Range Rover Vogue. When she had seen the car in the dealership 2 days previously she had immediately took out her platinum card and handed it to the salesman. Not because she liked the car. She knew nothing about cars. But she knew that she would be the envy of the others. She enjoyed to flash her cash as if it were nothing to her. She enjoyed to see the flash of green envy on her acquaintances faces as she subtly showed off her new purchases.
Now it all seemed so long ago. The car, the £2,000.00 Christian Dior purse, the limited edition Jimmy Choos, they all seemed so pointless. So material.
Perhaps she should have invested her money more wisely, perhaps in a body guard.
Quickly she opened the door and slid into the driver seat, immediately closing and locking the door behind her. Out of the corner of her eye she could see them walking towards her. Such long, quick purposeful strides. As if they were indestructible.
Slamming the car into drive she pulled out of the underground car park.
Deep down she knew there was no escape. She knew that it was a matter of seconds.
One, two, three, four….as she heard the soft sound of his sleeve against the cream leather upholstery and felt the cold blade touch her throat she realised that she should have known. No car alarm, no security system, not even god himself would be able to save her this time.
Rebecca dared herself to look in the rear view mirror and locked eyes with him. She could not believe her eyes.
He wore no mask. He wanted her to see him. Wanted her to know that it was he who intended to steal her final breath.
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Coolio!
Written by Bookwormandco. (39 comments posted) 31st August 2008 | Wow!
Pretty tense build up you've got going there.
Awesome bginning, bit confused by the people following her, you implied there's more than one but it needed a little more.
Also, I wouldn't use the last line, it sounds it a tad cliche and the beginning is great without it anywho.
Keep writing!
Lauren | thanks
Written by cheryl1984 (13 comments posted) 31st August 2008 | | thank you so much for the review Bookwormandco! the people following her are employed by the person that slit her throat... I'm in the process of writing the whole story. Thanks for the comment about the last line. I intended for it to let the reader know that both were as evil as each other - but I'll replace it in the final copy. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 31st August 2008 | Hi, Cheryl.
I liked it quite a lot. It was attention grabbing. It aroused intense curiosity to find out what she was running from, and the tension worke quite well, and I mostly liked the personal bit about her pretend life etc. It was all engaging.
What I felt could be done better are: (these are my personal reactions, others might differ.)
1. Perhaps you could use more verbs, particularly to build up tension, and use less adverbs. And perhaps use slightly shorter sentences. Long sentences forces readers to concentrate on the words in order to process them, and in doing so, can drop out of the flow of the story.
eg. "...hitting the cold dark pavement under her feet." perhaps can just be "the pavement". She is fearful and running for her life, so from her pov, perhaps she doesn't have the time to take in details.
eg. "Quickly she opened the door and slid into the driver seat, immediately closing and locking the door behind her." -> "She wrenched the door open and scrambled in behind the steering wheel..."
Rather than using adverbs to describe her action, using verbs are often more effective.
2. "They were behind her." This was confusing. The days were behind her? Perhaps you could have said something like, "The masked men appeared behind her."
3. "To be" verbs - when they are overused, also can take away fromthe story. They "tell" rather than "show." So it's often better to use verbs when you can.
4. "One, two, three, four….as she heard the soft sound ..." This I found confusing, too. Perhaps you could have used a separate paragraph after the counting to increase the drama. And instead of "as she heard", write "Then she heard..."
5. The MC dying didn't really work for me. It killed the tension. And the blade slitting her throat etc - was too often depicted in many places, so a little cliche.
Anyway, I enjoyed it. (Otherwise I would not leave this much comment.)
Happy writing!
Mia  | thank u mia
Written by cheryl1984 (13 comments posted) 31st August 2008 | | Thank you very much for taking the time to review my work Mia. I really appreciate your comments. I will make sure to make the changes in the final draft. Many thanks! |
Written by Nick (163 comments posted) 1st September 2008 | Hey Cheryl,
As with Lauren & Mia, I liked this. The tension builds nicely and you leave the reader with a few questions (always a good thing).
One of the things that caught my eye was the line "Perhaps she should have invested her money more wisely. In security, or weaponry." I felt that this jarred slightly in the story. Maybe just changing it to "personal security" or "personal protection" would work better, although I must add it's just my personal opinion.
Also, the last line is a bit of a cliche but if you can find a good way to reword it then it would work nicely.
Hope this helps.
Nick | thanks nick
Written by cheryl1984 (13 comments posted) 1st September 2008 | Hi Nick,
I've taken the final line out of the draft I'm working on now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read my work and leave your comments. I'm detirmined to become a better writer!
Thanks again, Cheryl |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 1st September 2008 | I've actually passed this by a few times because of the title- or rather lack of it. Titles are important, they give you a hint of what you're going to get and you're telling us we're going to get nothing worth mentioning. A title is a promise.
You've got a good storytelling style. It built the tension well and was well paced. Mia has given you some excellent advice, you're lucky to get it.
One thing caught me though :- if the unnamed woman is the MC then haven't you killed any dramatic engagement with her by telling us she is going to die at the end. It doesn't matter what happens to her as we know she is toast from the start. You can still make the story work but you start with a major disadvantage IMHO
Just a reaction
jane | Hi Jane
Written by cheryl1984 (13 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | Hi Jane
The reason I haven't given the story a title yet is because I'm not even half way through writing the book and a title hasn't sprung to mind yet. I struggle with titles and with character names!
I wanted the first chapter to drag the reader in - almost kicking and screaming! I cant count the number of occassions that I have picked up a book, read a few pages and been completely put off because it's not fast paced enough. Thats why I love James Patterson, John Grisham, Sophie Hannah and Jodi Picoult. All four authors have you gripped by the end of the first page.
I hope that by killing Rebecca straight away the reader will want to know why, and what she has done to deserve such a cold death. I also hope the readers will want to know who killed her and why.
Thanks for taking the time to review my work
Cheryl
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | I see what you are trying to do. It's more of a why-done-it rather than a who-done-it.It is a recognised style and can work but you do need a very convoluted plot so we never get to out-guess the writer. I just wondered if it would work if you stopped where the man holds the blade against her throat. It would be a good cliff hanger and we could then get to know and care about the woman so when we find she has been killed it is more of a shock.
I do know what you mean about books that don't grab you and commend you for trying
jane | thank you jane
Written by cheryl1984 (13 comments posted) 9th September 2008 | | Hi Jane, thanks for taking the time to read my work. Your idea with the cliff hanger is brilliant! I have actually changed my main draft already. Thank you for the great idea! Cheryl |
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