It was important that I write this about an extremely vivid personal moment but it required distancing through the specific form, one that I consider trivial, yet one which would allow me objectivity and deny sentimentality.
By the Barrow.
He could not speak, did not expect
the hurt that came to him direct
from what he had not known could harm,
that raised in him no great alarm,
no danger that he could detect.
He needed one who would protect
his innocence and not neglect
to hold him with embracing arm.
He could not speak.
He raised no cry as tears collect.
He felt the feral world reject
any chance to provide the balm
to ease his pain and bring him calm.
He could not speak.
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Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
| This expresses a powerful feeling, especially because of the "he could not speak" repeated line which works very well; but because it is stripped of context, for me, it makes it hard to identify with the subject of the poem. I would also be wary of "cruel world" which is a bit of a cliche. |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
Brings back something for me - but that's another story.
There's lots of emotion tied up in this - some, it seems, unresolved.
There's a power of feeling behind the powerlessness, and a lack of comprehension of the actions (lack of) those around him.
Lack of context (and I'm not asking) does make this difficult, but it is effective.
Phil |
Thanks Veronica
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
I doubt anyone would really know what I am on about --- it has a context from a time and place seventeen years ago -- one that resonates with me still , but is too painful to clarify more
I think that that fact removes it from the realms of poetry -- but it had to be exorcised a little
Thanks for the review
patterjack |
Thanks Phil
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
The powerlessness to help the powerless . It hurts .
If you have felt the same , my condolences and my thanks for your comment .
Maybe I should have put it into prose , but it may then have become mawkish
patterjack |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
Painful, pj, especially the line "He could not speak". They speak volumes. To me, this poem conjured up a picture of a disabled child, who could not understand or express the wound he has received from an unexpected source. The thought of defenceless children being hurt would be distressing to anyone, and if they are impaired in some way - it's just too painful for me to consider. So I understand your comment above, the powerlessness to help the powerless, I think it's the definition of true powerlessness.
Mia |
very close , Mia
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 31st August 2008 |
And it was very distressing .
Thank you for your percipience .
patterjack |
Strong . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 1st September 2008 |
. . . and disturbing piece.
I cannot add to what's been said above, except to say that I hope the 'exorcism' aspect of posting this has helped a little?
All the best,
John |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 1st September 2008 |
The one thing that poetry can do so well is express an emotion in such a powerful and succinct way, and with a universal message. I felt a genuine emotional charge reading this. You have a gift for expression, and a mastery over form and structure that results in work that always impresses on every level.
I think I know the source of this and will PM
cheers
jane |
Thanks Katanga
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 1st September 2008 |
Not really much of an exorcism , unfortunately -- the situation that brought on the feeling is still powerful in my mind after the many years. I don't think it will ever go away.
It is a pity that I cannot rewrite it in prose -- if I did I would have to take up a comic or mock heroic tone-- and that would be disastrous.
Thanks for the comment and the wish
patterjack |
Probably right , Jane
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 1st September 2008 |
You and I have known each other -- virtually -- for long enough for you to pick up on the basic situation.
Thanks for the complimentary review-- I feel that perhaps I should have been less objective and detached , but see the above reply to katanga
patterjack |
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