Putin’ McCain to Bed
A source deep inside the Republican Party’s star chamber leaked word today that Senator John McCain will be dropped as the party’s nominee. The anonymous source said McCain’s choice of Alaskan governor Sarah Palin was the central reason the party abandoned the senator. “Palin’s comment that she is a ‘hockey mom’ didn’t go over well with the southern Baptist redneck wing of the party. They complain ‘hockey is the devil’s game; hell is spelled with double hockey sticks.”
The source went on to say, “We might have been able to quell the anti-hockey crowd, but when she announced she liked to kill moose, the NRA’s Animal Assassination Committee denounced her for not actively slaughtering polar bears instead of just lobbying Congress to leave them off the endangered species list. On top of that, we heard she came out in support of abortion for polar bears that have been raped or gotten pregnant through incest. What kind of message does that send to species exterminators?”
McCain’s pick of an untested running mate comes on the heels of other questionable statements the senator has recently made. “Look, the guy is old, we know that, and it’s really not a problem for us; we’re old, too. But Jesus, those statements he made last week have really gotten heads shaking inside the party.”
The statements the source was referring to include, “When a pig is sick, you don’t want to feed it an owl,” and “When I’m elected, I’m going to stab Iranian oil with a kitchen knife,” an “I want a vice president with big tits.”
Asked if the party has decided on a new candidate they can all get behind, the source said, “We’re almost there. The frontrunner is Vladimir Putin. I mean Vlad is the personification of Republican ideals. He’s macho; he just shot a Siberian tiger yesterday. Of course, he shot it with a tranquilizer gun as it was going after some journalists, so that’s not in his favor, but still, a tiger, that’s pretty cool. Vlad also looks cool fishing with his shirt off, a big plus for garnering the horny soccer mom vote. I think the thing that will put him over the top is that he’s no pussy. He will attack anybody, anywhere, anytime, for any reason.”
Asked if Putin does get the nomination, was there any speculation as to who his running mate may be. “Well, that could be a deal breaker,” said the source, “He wants to keep the Alaskan woman;
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Written by Fledermaus (3490 comments posted) 1st September 2008 | They might get along fine. It seems Russians have a talent for choosing interesting personalities for president. Putin said things that would have most European politicians being grilled over in parliament. Add to that his career as a fighter pilot and a spy, his love for martial arts and there certainly is the most macho politician in the world politics.
I'm curious who'll win this years elections though. It seems our media are all in favour of Obama and they hardly pay attention to McCain, but whoever wins will have a tough job on their hands, as George didn't seem to leave the USA in a very great state. | I'm not biased :grin
Written by Bookwormandco. (38 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | Good article,
my knowledge of American politics is kind of limited though, so I don't have much to say. (The Onion provided me with most of my knowledge)
But if McCain wins though the USA is going to end up in a worse state than Bush left it in, kind of a prelude to the apocalypse.
Vote Obama!
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Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | If I had my way, the United States would elect a Parliment in place of out current system.
I will be voting for Mr. Obama. | Nicley done.
Written by wltshr (352 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | There is so much material here. You've nicely encapsulated the Christian Far Right and the NRA. Just perfect tagets for lampooning.
Well done.
Wltshr |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3567 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | I was laughing so heartily at this and then I remembered they were real people in positions of real power [gulp!]
This was just priceless,Mike I especially liked what passes for homespun wisdom
“When a pig is sick, you don’t want to feed it an owl,”
The far right are funny and scary at the same time, Mind you there's something about Obama that gives me the willies. He's just too thin for an American
cheers
jane
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3567 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 | I do hope we are going to get some astute commentary from Bob on the coming election.I'm sure he will have his paw on the pulse. Where else will we get any sane comment on it?
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Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 3rd September 2008 | Really well put together, Emmuttmax. Particularly enjoyed the Baptist rednecks and the polar bears - lucky they ain't got no pandas in Alaska. Personally, I feel she should be grilled in public over mooseburgers. And the Putin references were sharp, notably the end of the penultimate paragraph. So it will finally all be over soon...
Do the next US elections start in December of this year - pre-preliminary primaries, first-leg, knockout phase...?
Nicely done, sir. |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 3rd September 2008 | “When a pig is sick, you don’t want to feed it an owl,” and “When I’m elected, I’m going to stab Iranian oil with a kitchen knife,” an “I want a vice president with big tits.”
Class. Sounds just like GWB - except I've never heard him claiming to like big tits - though he is one.
Enjoyed this very much. Funny? - yes - scary too. I guess whoever gets elected is going to have a huge impact across the globe.
Obama comes across (to me) as the preferable candidate - though I admit to knowing little about him or his policies. There was something about him that was unusual that I couldn't place until Jane pointed it out. He is unusually thin for an American. Is that unpatriotic?
Jane's also right about Bob - the least he can do is use the political supplements to pee on.
Good stuff.
Phil |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 5th September 2008 | US politics seems to be a personality cult contest to me, far more so than in Oz. I must admit, I developed reluctant admiration and curiosity about Palin when I saw her acceptance speech on TV yesterday. She seemed made of tougher stuff than media made her out to be, and an unusual combination as a woman. It will really be interesting to see how this unfolds. It is certainly entertaining - is this politainment? (As for Putin running for President of US - what a sobering thought!)
Mia  |
Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 5th September 2008 | Thank you all for your comments. It's not very hard to lampoon American politics, and I love to do it.
Although I've taken many shots at the Democrats, the members of the Republican party just set themselves up so easily. Republicans love to call themselves "conservatives," yet what have they conserved except racist attitudes, hatemongering, and the politics of fear? Democrats only fare a little better.
As for Mrs. Palin, she is imminently unqualified to serve as president should McCain die in office. There are many things about her which may be worthy of admiration, but making a hate-filled speech written by George Bush's ex-speechwriter is not one of them. I don't think anyone has said she's not tough, her nickname in school was "Sarah Barracuda."
Personally, I'm diametrically opposed to her positions on birth-control, sex education, the economy, her energy policy, her stand on gun control, and her "let's kick some commie and Arab ass" stance.
I don't know if Obama will turn things around in this country or not, but I damn sure know that electing another Republican such as McCain, who has the mindset of Bush, will push it further into hell.
To hell with politics, I want to be King.
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Written by Nick (163 comments posted) 15th September 2008 | Hey Mike,
I had a chuckle at this - it's very well done and I look forward to Bob's take on it all.
Unfortunately American politics seems to be affecting the whole world. I just hope America wakes up and boots the Republicans out of office or you will be going to hell. I'm not sure how much difference Obama can make and I read that some of his policies are almost identical to Mcain's but he seems like the lesser of 2 evils.
Anyway funny stuff as always.
Nick |
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