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Excellent! Written by Katanga (1515 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
I really like this quiet, observational, reflective piece, if I may describe it as such. Some lines stand out for me: 'Look there. That bird.' Neatly reflected and continued by 'And there. That tree.' 'I myself am not careless of its being.' ' . . . it has succumbed to Spring's green goading.' and your final point left hanging, with intimations of mortality: 'and I . . .' Much enjoyed and admired, Brian. Cheers! John
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Good Piece Written by Flexy5000 (7 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
Good work overall. I think the last line could have read "and I somewhere in between" but you don't have to change it. Keep it up. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (751 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
| I feel that you might be getting at me a teensy bit for saying that your last poem was too abstract! Well, this is a nice descriptive piece that talks about real things but still draws some kind of lesson from them, so, yes, I like this one! |
Sorry . . . Written by Katanga (1515 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
. . . but I disagree with 'Flexy5000' above. the suggestion for the last line is, in my humble opinion, wholly prosaic. We know that the poet's 'permanancy' is fragile, and he makes the point with brilliant economy . . . And leaves the reader, well me at least, to linger on the transience of the human condition etc Cheers! John |
Conversational Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
I just wanted to slip for once out of the bonds of exact poetic forms , and so carried onto the computer a conversation that had been held with my wife about the bird , and an observation of that same tree from the earlier poem Non Resurgam Thanks for the comment K , glad you like it . patterjack |
No No Veronica Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
Not getting at you at all-- a much better thought here is that I took your admonishment to heart and on this occasion , unlike with By the Barrow I tied the verse to two moments of reality more closely than I have done for a while . So you can put yourself into the position of having brought me an inspiration to go back to the thinking of some of my past verses , where I have drawn some kind of lesson ( I won't list them) But I am too self centred and cannot but relate that bird's existence to my own. together with the idea of relates to me only as exemplar is I hope a sufficient exculpation Thanks for the kind words patterjack |
And I ... Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
I ,like Katanga , think that more in the last linee would be an overstatement But thank you for the review patterjack |
This is very engaging Written by ainsel (68 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
...very gentle and meditative. It reads effortlessly, which must come from its conversational beginnings, yet it has a lovely rhythmic flow. Do not under any circumstances change the last line. It is a perfect ending. Let the reader think about it. ainsel |
Absolutely . . . Written by Katanga (1515 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
. . . ainsel! Thanks for reinforcing the point. Please, Brian, don't let anyone persuade you to change your last line . . . It's a line to kill and to die for . . . Cheers again! John X |
thanks ainsel Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 2nd September 2008 |
I will not change the last line. What interested me about the work itself was that , after struggling over some of the more intricate forms , this piece did indeed flow forth very simply . It did not accrete as many of the past formal poems did in my writing of them . I do find the sonnet form , possibly because I very often think in pentameters ( honest ! ) to be the easiest of the specific forms -- and I can often just tidy up a piece of free verse to make a sonnet. Nice option to have ! And thanks again Katanga patterjack |
Excellent piece of writing. Written by Brett (987 comments posted) 3rd September 2008 |
A calm and reflective poem, Brian. I think one of the most striking things about it (other than its imagery) is its use of simplistic (almost minimalist) language ('Look there. That bird') leading to the reflective aphoristic like observations. The lines that really struck me you have already quoted in your reply to Veronica: 'But I am too self centred...' 'that it relates to me...' And I'm with everyone else - the ending is sublime. Perfect. The poem as a whole, in my worthless opinion, is nothing short of a masterpiece. Cheers |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 3rd September 2008 |
With the reviewers above, pj. It's beautiful. I also sense such freedom and fluidity in thought and expression, that is refreshing. This piece brings together the concrete and the abtract, the external word and the meditative seamlessly. I love the contrast drawn between the bird, the tree and the human existence. The last line opens the door to a thousand more poems, and most of us humans don't dare go through it, not without some armour on anyway. This is a very memorable piece. Mia |
minimal Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 3rd September 2008 |
Thanks Brett for the very complimentary comment - for once I did try to be as direct as possible , to the extent of using the technique of direct address . I have rarely used it , except in the opening lines of some of my direct addresses to the great poets of the past, and they usually begin with Sir I liked almost quoting what I had said -- prosaically -- to my wife. patterjack
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Happy flow Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 3rd September 2008 |
The situation was just right , Mia , and the thoughts flowed easily for once. Would that it was always so simple and easy! . I hope that if there are a thousand more poems , they will not be too painful to write either ! You make an interesting mention of armour- perceptive. I feel that many of my pieces are indeed armoured in a fashion. Thanks a lot for your lovely comments patterjack |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3567 comments posted) 4th September 2008 |
It felt more like a meditation than poem though I'm sure the two are not mutually exclusive. Indeed I don't doubt that a meditative form of expression lends itself perfectly to poetry. The reason I say that is because you seem to be questioning the ability of poetry to capture and hold what we sometimes see and feel about that vision. Lines like :- "if, as a bird, it could in any way be described as simply care free" "It is not a thing to be smothered under words that show no more than my own abstract reaction" "what I should feel in that passive way that observers summon up" seem to show you questioning how words and poetry can adequately express what you feel about , in this instant, the bird and the tree. .It was a beautifully written piece, which on the face of it was about what you saw but there was, for me, a powerful subtext about the gap between seeing and expressing, which is something we all can sympathise with. Bridging that gap is what separates the poets from other writers, I suppose [and realising that there is that gap separates the great poets from the good] Of course I may be wrong but that was my reaction. It got me thinking which is the mark of good writing.I realise I have expressed this rather clumsily but I hope you get my meaning cheers jane |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 5th September 2008 |
Almost a minimalist examination of experience and how language defines it - leading to an (the) inevitable end. It almost rubbishes its own ideas in the final lines. Clever - and engaging. (I'm aware this interpretation may be complete rubbish - but it works for me.) As mentioned, with its roots in conversation, it flowed naturally - but it had an easy ebb and flow to it that built to a gentle but definite rhythm. Loved the imperative that started this. Liked very much, Brian. Phil |
Music too ! Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 5th September 2008 |
Because I am nearly always taken with minimalist music I regard that review as very complimentary indeed , Phil. I hope you follow my logic ( ? ) there . Also as an admirer of the Augustans , I try to keep my material more minimal than the lush Romantic lads -- and I am happy if it has succeeded with you . Many thanks patterjack |
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