Dr Julius Wenham, Head of Psychiatry at Cambridge University, announced today the end of a forty year research project.

“It has proved an enormous success.” declared Dr Wenham, “Beyond our wildest imaginings.”

“Forty years ago Psychiatry, certainly the most exciting medical science of the twentieth century, was being overshadowed by, of all things, surgery. Surgeons! Barbers not physicians! Christian Barnard was making surgery sexy and by crikey, we didn’t like it. Admittedly, we psychiatrists were getting a little complacent. At seminars we’d all be wearing half moon glasses and matching bow ties and some of us recognised that something had to be done.

We decided to effect research into gullibility. We dared to dream, and being psychiatrists we knew what it meant. We would invent a completely bogus mental illness, announce the symptoms to the world and wait for the results. Fantastic. Before we knew it we had literally hundreds of new patients, all exhibiting perfectly the symptoms we had told them to exhibit. We tried again. Another mythical illness. Again. Fabulous success.

Every single illness we invented and documented, within weeks of publication, hundreds, perhaps thousands, of new patients. Private practice was booming for all.

However, It has been decided, in committee, predominantly by the older Freudian members, (you’ll never convince the Jung ones), to announce to the world that the research has been a resounding success, we have proved the Theory of Gullibility beyond all expectations. Our gravy train cannot continue for ever and our patients must return to their normal stations in life.

To list and explain but a few of our deceptions, all in the name of science of course.

OCD – Just a way of labelling the fastidious. They make wonderful housekeepers you know.

PTSD – We never thought we’d get away with this one. Millions of people returned from two world wars, and millions more suffered at home, and yes, there were occasional mental health casualties, but really...

ME – We announced this during the mid-eighties. A perfect excuse for potential go-getters who would have liked to be Yuppies but just couldn’t make it. We thought about calling it CBA (Can’t be arsed), but realised that our research may be discovered early.

ADHD –There have always been rude, obnoxious kids with no discipline and no respect, but society punished that sort of behaviour. ADHD proved the perfect excuse for useless parents.

I could mention Bulimia, Anorexia, and many others, of course, but now the cat is out of the bag, presumably, I don’t need to.

On behalf of the Royal Society I’d like to apologise to all the gullible members of society who may have been taken in and now realise that their “illnesses” were indeed a cruel invention but they have been rewarded enough. Years of being pandered to and state funded.

We decided to bring the research to a close once we realised how far this experiment had taken society away from the Britain of the stoical stiff upper lip. I suggest that all those who believe they suffer from any of the above should watch “Zulu” or read the Band of Brothers speech from Henry V.”

Even though this research experiment has been brought to a successful conclusion Dr Wenham will remain in charge of Psychatric research at Cambridge and insists that no further experimentation into the Theory of Gullibility will take place.