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Shorts
A nice couple
By Fledermaus
06 September 2008
Left out too much?

High above her, through a canopy of tropical plants and trees, she could see the dome of cast iron and glass. Beyond it, there was the grey and formless sky.

She listened to the sound of mechanical bubbles and classical music, and to the wind that tried to over-howl them. Here she lay, in a pool in the little Eden he had constructed...

There was the soft sound of his bare feet on the wet floor and she felt the ripple as he descended into the water.

" Cocktail?"

He placed the silver tray on the pool's rim carelessly, as if it was a most casual thing to carry it into a whirlpool without spilling a drop.

" I don't drink."

" Not even non-alcoholic beverages? How unusual..."

" They're non-alcoholic?"

" Of course. I know you longer than today."

She took one of the crystal vessels and looked at the artistic creation he had once again produced. The juice itself was pale and transparent and in the middle of the glass floated a ball of ice cream that seemed to stay miraculously steady; On top of it, a mint leaf.

" Stylish..."

" Thank you, ma'am."

As she took a sip, she felt how the soda tingled in her mouth. It seemed he had blended many different things, but the result was both strange and refreshing.

" What is it?"

He didn't answer and as she looked at him, she saw that he lay back, with his ears submerged, looking at the boring clouds above.

 

" You know...", he began after a while, " At a bright night you could see the stars from here. I'm trying to recognize which sign is which, but so far only found Orion's belt."

He sounded casual, but she could detect something in his voice, something that longed, something lonely and misunderstood.

" Gary..."

He lifted his head.

" Don't you miss someone in your life?", she asked," Someone to share all this with?"

" I'm sharing it with you right now."

" Yes, but I, well... You know that I'm just like you."

" Why can't you just say the word?"

" I..."

He chuckled.

" Prudish, aren't you?"

" Perhaps."

" I don't need the sort of relationship you mention. Really, how could it make me any happier?"

" Wouldn't it be wonderful to sit here with someone you love?"

" Are you implying that I do not love you? Now I am insulted."

" You know what I mean."

He nodded.

" Sometimes I am a bit lonely", he admitted," But never long. See, the whole purpose of the kind of love you mean is reproduction, and everyone knows that in order for that to happen one needs the correct combination."

" How mathematical. It's love Gary.Have you never been in love? If you never have, how could you know you are...You-know-what."

" You can't get it out of your mouth,can you?"

" Sorry. I find it a bit hard to accept..."

 

" Wouldn't we make a nice couple?"

" Yes, if... If we weren't both..."

" Weren't... Weren't what?"

" Have you never lost anyone because of it? Someone who couldn't understand?"

" More than a few."

" Stupid people..."

" They might find it confusing."

" Find what confusing?"

" Us, here..."

"... being more romantic together than they would ever be with their lovers?"

 

He nodded and put an arm around her shoulder.

" A nice couple."

She raised her glass.

" To us, the nice couple."

 

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 6th September 2008
I think you know the answer to your question or you wouldn't have asked it 
Yes, it does need more context but curiously it was the lack of any context or explanation that kept me intrigued to read on . I was trying to find out about them by what was revealed in the dialogue. I liked the way the conversation pulled you in and the exchanges were well written [becoming more involved] and served to make me more curious about them. 
As a scene from a longer story or script it is fine and believable but to really engage the reader I think we need to know more about them. 
I did enjoy the dialogue, regardless, though 
cheers 
jane

Written by Fledermaus (3490 comments posted) 6th September 2008
Thanks BBS. 
Hm... I was thinking about putting more background in, but then, I wondered if it would be clear enough. I was hoping to reveal things about them in the dialogue, but I probably left out too much indeed.

Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 6th September 2008
The dialog was very good with the exception of "sit herewith." Herewith? That doesn't ring true to the rest of the conversation. 
 
I think the shortness of the piece is fine, but I would like to see a little more depth to the characters' positions.

Written by Fledermaus (3490 comments posted) 6th September 2008
Thanks Emmuttmax, 
I corrected that. It was the result of copy-pasting this here, which erases one space in every line. I have to correct them all the time, and guess I had overlooked this one. 
Maybe I should rewrite this some day, for it seems it remained a bit unclear what was going on.

Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 13th September 2008
A smooth read with good dialogue. The style drew me in but the narrative left me a little disappointed in the end. Either a little more context for a short a piece or fine as it is as a scene from something longer. 
 
Still enjoyed it. It had a good strong 'feel' to it. 
 
Phil

Written by Fledermaus (3490 comments posted) 22nd September 2008
Thanks Phil, 
I may rewrite/extend it some day. :)

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