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Poetry
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Hungry
By no1butClo
17 January 2006
I think this works on alot of levels, anger, jealousy, spite, hate, regret...just a few ideas for the melting  pot :) You tell me!

The Creature stirs.
It wakes and
strectches scrawny limbs,
ragged claws raking

the lining of my ribcage.

His iced pokers
pierce my happy heart.
Redness showers him,
and as he drinks,
he grows.
In my chest.

Sending his wretched offspring,
to nestle in my mind.

Lurking and waiting
for a chance to
make the next meal.

Reviews

Written by amboline (183 comments posted) 19th January 2006
I really like this, particularly the first verse - there's some beautiful imagery there, and good use of language (subtle alliterations). 
 
A few critique points, feel free to take these or leave them as ever: 
 
(1) I wasn't sure you needed to break up your sentences quite as much as you do. "The lining of my ribcage" seems more logically to be the end of the first verse than a stand-alone verse in its own right, and the last two verses more naturally forma single verse (and a single sentence). 
 
(2) "Happy" in verse 3 feels a bit weak. I can see why you're using it but it feels a little incongruous amongst the stark imagery around it. I felt it takes some power away from the poem too - in the rest of it, your descriptions and choice of language allow the reader to discover your emotions for him/herself, which I like, but here we're actually told directly about one of your emotions. This is the only place in the poem where this happens, and for me it does weaken the empathy a bit. 
 
Other than that - yes, lovely. As I've said before, you write introspective stuff really well, providing really vivid and unusual imagery so that it connects with the external reader. Not all poets can do this!
Similarities!
Written by chocomallow (1 comments posted) 28th January 2006
I really like this poem and understand it. It's similar in a way to my poems 'Silent Cry' and 'Beast of Destruction' See what you think. I wonder if we are referring to the same thing? Thank you for making me feel that I'm not alone with these kind of thoughts!
Hungry
Written by twriter (117 comments posted) 19th August 2006
Hi, 
 
I do feel that you don't need the line breaks but I think that the poem is great! 
 
VBW, 
 
TW

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