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Extended Work
Soul Of The Notes
By Larnyx
10 September 2008
This is my prologue to my new story.. btw the prologue is set 3 years in the future of the time....
please enjoy and PLEASE COMMENT

Prologue

The furrowed leaves of autumn’s day blew across the still graveyard.
Hour’s passed but time stood still for Edwin this November’s day.
He wore his best clothing, which wasn’t much due to the poverty of his family.
By his side was his grandfather. Over the years Edwin had grown quite close to his grandfather, and looked up to him like a father.
However at this point in time they stood 3 feet apart, neither was looking at one another.
 
Both stood silently staring at the grave at their feet.
Edwin slowly kneels and places a Blaue Blume flower at the gravestone.
The farewell to his best friend, and his first love.
The wind rustled the remnant leaves of the old oak tree, and a tear fell from his face.

“Autumn always was her favourite time of year” his words soft as the clouds looming on the day.
“It shall be raining soon Edwin, best we get home” Edwin’s grandfather suggested affectionately.
“I’ll leave when I want” his reply sharp as the first lightning of a storm.
Then silence between the two again. The saline streams from both of their eyes hadn’t ceased, but the sadness of the death had.

Sunrise came, and by this time Edwin was sitting in the grass next to the grave, pondering all the times he had with his friend.
His grandfather had left earlier without saying a word, leaving him to be free to stay as long as he wanted.
Truth told, if he had the chance, he wouldn’t ever leave.

Darkness rolled in like the oceans wave.
Edwin stood at the grave’s foot and said his final farewell, turned and went to leave the graveyard.
Suddenly he froze. Twenty feet in front of him stood a man.
 He wore a black top hat and held a cane with a golden sphere on top.
“Go away! She didn’t love you,” Edwin yelled as he broke into tears, “She loved me”
Edwin fell to his knees and wept as the figure disappeared into the night.

Reviews
Hello
Written by Alexis.G (19 comments posted) 10th September 2008
Okay, so it was a very promising start. 
However, I feel that a few mistakes in punctuation such as apostrophes really detracted from the story. Future installments would benefit greatly from more proof reading.  
The plot is enticing... this prologue achieved its aim, because it definitely drew me in and made me want to read more. The characters sound interesting and the back story; the history hinted and the mysteries introduced were intriguing.  
Keep writing,  
Alexis

Written by bluecity (432 comments posted) 12th September 2008
Hello Larnyx. What an unusual nickname you have chosen! 
 
This prologue has done the job it was intended to do, by whetting my appetite. In just a few paragraphs, you have started to show us a little of Edwin's character 
 
Quote:
“I’ll leave when I want”

 
 
This speech "shows" us a great deal! 
 
Quote:
“It shall be raining soon Edwin, best we get home” Edwin’s grandfather suggested affectionately.

 
 
This demonstrates the warm relationship between the grandfather and Edwin, whereas what you wrote in the beginning was "tell" and sounded flat: 
 
Quote:
Over the years Edwin had grown quite close to his grandfather, and looked up to him like a father.

 
 
I have to say, however, that I did really go for your beginning, too flowery and your sentences and paragraphs were too short, Also, as Alexis says, you need to do something about the SPAG (spellcheck, grammarcheck then proofread).  
 
Even within such a short passage, you seemed to gain confidence as you went along... until the last line, which was again too flowery. 
 
Quote:
Edwin fell to his knees and wept as the figure disappeared into the night.

 
 
The previous line would've been a perfect ending. 
 
You clearly have some very good ideas. Keep going! 
 
Rosemary  
 
 
 
Thankyou
Written by Larnyx (10 comments posted) 16th September 2008
thankyou to both alexis and Rosemary for these kind and constructive comments.. 
i'll definately try to keep an eye on my punctuation, always my weakness lol. 
and also look out for this floweryness of my sentences... 
thankyou once again, and keep looking for the next chapter 
 
Cheers 
Larnyx

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