Lord Coe today announced that London in 2012 would produce the finest Olympic Games yet witnessed by man.

“Alongside the Main Olympics, and the Paralympics, we shall also run the Non-Organic Olympics.

There have long been discussions whether organic or non-organic farming is best and whether adhering to an organic or non-organic diet is most beneficial. We can highlight these issues whilst at the same time find out once and for all whether organic athletes perform better than non-organic.

The Non-Organic games will allow all additives including performance- enhancing drugs. Athletes may choose which Olympic Games they wish to compete in. Dwain Chambers, who will captain the British Team, quite rightly claims that many Paralympians have to take enormous cocktails of drugs on a daily basis and no-one seems to care.  

Rather than costing more money, this additional Games, is bringing in enough sponsorship money to fund all three different Games. We have been lucky enough to secure sponsorship from all of the major drug companies, and a number of Columbian and Afghani businessmen, so we can spend the £9 Bn on just the opening and closing ceremonies. We have agreed that both Amy Winehouse and Pete Docherty will sing at the opening ceremony, and Keith Richards will provide assistance in any way he can. One in the eye for the Chinks!”

Unsurprisingly dyslexic Conservative peer Geoffrey Archer has been named as the Chairman of the Non-Organic Games. Lord Archer was unavailable for comment today as he has, at his own request, been placed in protective custody until the recent spate of arson attacks on well known piers has come to an end.