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Crime and Thriller
The Dying Game - Chapter Nine
By creaigtherave
12 September 2008
Ok, not been on here for a while.

Here's Chapter Nine of my thriller.

Have a read if u get time, and any comments / feedback as always is very much welcome.

Craig

Chapter 9


As the pick up that housed Malcolm and Nina sped out of town via a long wide highway, Malcolm seemed transfixed by Nina, his thoughts only focused on who she was, what secrets she might hold, and how she was feeling about all of this. She still puzzled him, although she seemed lost and lacking direction as much as he was.

"What's on your mind?" she then asked as a breeze from the window fluttered her hair.

Malcolm didn't reply, choosing to look away.

"Ok, then tell me more about your family..." she continued, "You said you were helping out your sister, and that's why you got hurt by this Mr Leone character. Are you and your Sister close?"

"Close? I don't know. If anything, what happened will probably push us further apart. Cameron's complicated. I can't read her like I can Patricia."

"Patricia?"

"Yeah, my other sister, she's 28, and we're closer than I think I'll ever be with Cameron. We've always been there for each other."

It relaxed him to talk about Patricia.

"So, where does she come into all of this?"

"Patricia wasn't involved. That much I was grateful of. She's tough, but can make stupid mistakes sometimes. That I guess, is where I come in. But as you can see, I don't always have the answer. This time Cameron had messed up, over some girl she said was dying. It's a way she has, of going against the grain, like a rebellious streak, and sometimes it gets her in trouble."

Malcolm noticed Nina stare at him and suddenly felt vulnerable with how emotional he was getting.

"You really care about your family then? I admire that."

"Why admire it? It's just natural instinct, isn't it?"

"Not necessarily. You see, I haven't always known my family. My Father walked out when I was young, and I mostly fended for myself. Mother wasn't much comfort. She fell apart. Only My Uncle was left to make me feel a part of anything."

Malcolm looked at her. This was a breakthrough. Nina had been a closed book up until now.

"Where are they now? Your Uncle, at least?" he asked.

"Don't know. I left a long time ago. It's not worth going into."

As usual, Nina was cutting him short. He sighed regretfully.

"So, you thought of what this may be doing to them, you disappearing like you have?" she asked.

Malcolm was getting tired of the questions, "So, I gotta answer what you want, but when I try to get to know you, you shut me out?"

"Hey, don't be like that. My story just isn't worth hearing. I think yours is." Nina replied.

Malcolm took a few seconds to speak again. A large juggernaut passed them, and almost covered them in darkness. Then he squinted as the pick up was bathed in light again.

"If they have any sense, they'll forget I ever existed." he said miserably.

"I doubt that very much." Nina replied, "By the sound of things, you'd be missed a great deal. I think you probably don't realise how much your family love you."

Malcolm was beginning to feel uncomfortable, considering his near hopeless circumstances.

"Let's just change the subject shall we?" he replied bluntly.

Nina chuckled, "Whatever you say, honey."



Meanwhile, at the Willis mansion Cameron paced up and down beside a large heated swimming pool. She held a mobile phone to her ear.

"Come on...come on..." she said impatiently.

Then the other end picked up.

"Martin?"

"Who wants to know?" came a man's voice. Some music and voices could be heard in the background.

"It's Cameron."

"Oh, Hi. How you doing honey? How's things?"
"Could be better. Have you seen or spoken to Malcolm at all?" Cameron added, getting straight to the point.

As she walked beside the pool, her reflection was mirrored by the water, shimmering in the faint sunlight creeping in through the blinds.

"What do you mean? I haven't seen him in weeks, not since I was down your way."
"Now, Martin..." Cameron added, her tone changing slightly, "I understand and respect you gotta protect a friend, but we're his family. If you know anything, just tell me. It's important."

"Hey, I'm telling you the truth girl, I haven't seen him. Why...what's happened?"

"He was in hospital. I guess it was partly my fault. But now he's disappeared, and we're worried he's gonna get himself really hurt, or worse, killed."

Martin's voice trailed off, as if saying ‘hi' to someone passing him, and greeting another person shortly after.

"I'll see what I can do. I know a few of his associates. Perhaps I can get word out, and get a message to him or something."

"Well, just be careful who it is you speak to. Malcolm helped me because I made a stupid mistake. These guys came after me. I think they were Italian."

"Italian?"

"Yeah. I didn't stop to get acquainted. But I guess, Malcolm did, and now he's running. Whatever you can do, Martin...do it fast. Because I've gotta feeling time could be running out."



Seconds later, Patricia's mobile rang out in a cradle between the two front seats of her Cadillac XLR. Patricia was driving, wearing sunglasses as the wind blew through her hair. She reached for the phone and raised it to her ear.

"Patricia..." she answered.

"Hi. It's Cameron. Where are you?" Cameron announced, returning to the hallway outside the swimming pool, and walking alongside a collection of priceless oil paintings hanging on the wall.

"I'm on my way to Donnelly's. Any word on Martin?" Patricia asked.

"He hasn't seen him."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. And I believe him. But he said he'd have a word with a few associates, see if anyone knows anything."

"What have you told him?"

Cameron paused by the alcove doorway leading into the foyer, just as she saw Judge Willis descend the staircase and proceed towards the living room.

"Nothing much. But I stressed how serious the matter was. He said he would be in touch."

Patricia sighed, turning off the main road, and drove down a suburban street in the heart of Beverly Hills.

"Alright. Don't worry. If anything, Martin's good for his word. If he finds anything out, he'll tell us. I gotta go now."

Cameron walked past the staircase and lingered outside the living room door. She watched her Father make coffee. Then she said her goodbyes, and switched off the mobile.

Patricia then slowed the car as she came alongside a row of luxury houses and mansions. She had visited Marcus Donnelly's place before, but she couldn't entirely recall which one it was. They all looked the same. Then she saw one set back from the street with tall gates and a vast wealth of land alongside it. Now she remembered.

She pulled up across the road from the gates, and extinguished the engine. She sat quiet for a moment, just looking. Marcus was intimidating at the best of times, but just knowing what she was going to ask him, or more likely his wife, was making her stomach turn over and tie itself in a not.

Then a siren was heard, and she looked back, draping one arm over the back of her seat to see a car, with a flashing red light on the top. She gulped.

"Fuck. This is all I need." she remarked under her breath, as two plain clothed Detectives got out and began to approach.

Reviews
Who's talking?
Written by owl_light (55 comments posted) 13th September 2008
Ist paragraph, if it's from Malcolm's point of view, he wouldn't seem transfixed. He would be trannsfixed. 
 
2nd paragraph, you could get rid of the ubiquitous 'she said' by fluttering her hair first. 
A breeze... fluttered her hair. "What's on your mind" 
Throughout you could use paragraphing to lose yet more of the conversation descriptors. eg 
raised (mobile) to ear. "Patricia" 
 
Malcolm noticed... If Malcolm's seeing this, he would see her stare, so just describe what she did in a way that would cause him to notice it. 
I thought Cameron was a bloke's name. 
 
The voice on the phone trailing off is written from Patricia's point of view. It's important to be clear from whose point of view you are writing. 
 
Perhaps if you rehearsed the conversations with someone you could ammend them to sound more natural. 
 
Yours tenses are a bit jumbled. Simple past tense, then past continuous. 
 
Hope I've helped. 
Write on.
thanks owl_light
Written by creaigtherave (31 comments posted) 14th September 2008
Had a look at this and taken on board some of your criticisms. They seem mostly gramatical and the sort of thing a story goes through during the editing process, which is what I am doing with the whole story right now. So such feedback is very useful. 
 
Was wondering if u had read much of the other chapters, and have posted on here to also get feedback on the characters and the plot as a whole. 
 
Would love to hear what u actually think of the story. 
 
8)
Just one thing...
Written by creaigtherave (31 comments posted) 14th September 2008
"The voice on the phone trailing off is written from Patricia's point of view." 
 
It seems clear to me that this segment is clearly from CAMERON's point of view as the conversation on the phone is with Cameron in the house and just Martin's voice on the phone - we're not in his location at all. 
 
Oh and Cameron is not necesarrily a blokes name, and theres foten names in society that are labelled blokes names but can be used for women also. E.G. Cameron Diaz.

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