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Shorts
The Storm
By Ane88
13 September 2008
Just wondering if anyone had any ideas on where I should go with this, and what do you think so far?


They flew through the air quietly, the storm unfolding outside having no effect on the cold serenity inside the car.

“We’ll live,” she reassured the man.

“You always say that,” he sighed.  He looked outside his window and sighed again, wondering why he was still with the girl.  A giggle echoed in his head, and he turned back to her.

“I don’t need you.  I don’t know why you keep playing with me.”

She frowned a childlike frown, her round face exaggerating the expression and making her look deceivingly young.  “Fine.  Goodbye.”  And with that she was gone, the passenger door hanging open and the sound of tires screeching to a stop ringing dully in his ears.  He numbly went outside and looked, mostly because instinct told him it was the right thing to do.  The girl was nowhere to be seen.  Maybe this time she wasn’t coming back.

He got into his car and continued to drive, already dreading the silence and wondering when he would next see her.

He feared it wouldn't be long.

Reviews
Intriguing
Written by homeagain (6 comments posted) 19th September 2008
Oh I like this! 
Yes, very short so far. But I was 'straight in'. And it intrigued me - left me wondering. I want to know where it goes and what is happening here. 
All sorts of explanations spring to mind. 
 
the storm unfolding outside having no effect on the cold serenity inside the car 
I like that line. 
 
I'd probably use something other than "ringing dully" just because I think of ringing as a sharp sound, not dull and that inconsistency pulled my focus away from the story for a second and onto the words. 
 
I was a little confused upon re-reading, by his dreading the silence and wondering when he'd next see her, and then that he feared it wouldn't be long. Conflicting. 
 
I like the simple dialogue. Effective and unobtrusive. 
 
I couldn't say where to take this, I think you might be best just running with it and seeing where it takes you? 
Maybe try several different paths of development and then see if any grab you particularly. 
 
It could perhaps use some further filling in of who she is and what is going on between them, but I don't think that necessarily has to be a full explanation (it might be nice to leave some subtle doubt as to what it all means... since it is leaning that way already.) 
 
 

Written by KaydieKate (75 comments posted) 28th September 2008
Whoa.... 
 
I like it. 
Sorry, can't give any direction.

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