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By homeagain
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17 September 2008 |
A smile away
A handhold ago
Love sustains
It is amazing what love can survive
Illness
Infidelity
Insecurity
Lies
I know that you lie
I love you and your lies
And how you want to be honest
But aren’t
How you don’t believe that you lie
When you do
I see the struggle in your eyes
The words that never make their way out
The fracture between the parts of yourself
Widening as you try to decide
As you try to speak
I look and smile
And breathe and wait
And already know
I already know, sweetheart
I know more than you realise
All those words you cannot say
I already know
I have tantrums and unkind words
Mercurial moods and blaming you
And you are still here
You have lies and evasions
Dilemmas and hiding who you are
And I am still here
I think that
One day
I will be here
And you will be here
At the same time
And
If we aren’t
It doesn’t really matter
That is love
To me
It isn’t perfect
Neither are we
It makes no promises
It does what it does
And what it does
Is love
Love doesn’t turn away from
Your lying
Or my blaming
Love just beckons us
To become something else
Your invitation
To find out
What goes on in your mind
Is more precious
Than any ring
Or joint tenancy
Or lack of clothing
You could offer me nothing greater
And little scares me more
Than holding you
In my hands
Terrified
That I will break you somehow
Or that when you see
Inside my head
You will be disappointed
I don’t know whether
To laugh or to cry
But I know
That I love
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Written by Brett (987 comments posted) 19th September 2008 | I think this piece has promise, but I fear a major rewrite would be its salvation.
The content is fine, one protagonist's struggle with telling the truth, and their refusal to accept that they lie, is interesting, but I felt some of the language trite (for want of a better word); 'sweetheart', 'But I know/That I love', there is a lack of...something...passion? Truth?
There are some good phrases here - 'A handhold ago'. 'The fracture between the parts of yourself...'
Personally I do not like one word sentences, but that is personal, and your choice.
Cheers |
Written by Fledermaus (3490 comments posted) 19th September 2008 | | On the one hand it seems a healthy attitude not to expect love to be perfect, on the other hand I wonder if a relationship that's being held together by being in love is actually very stable. It triggers some interesting thoughts. I'm curious about the sort of lies, for lies that one actually believes in must be different from deliberate lies. |
Written by homeagain (6 comments posted) 20th September 2008 |
Thank you both for the feedback. I am not well-acquainted with the "rules" and structures or definitions of poetry and have a lot to learn there.
Brett:
I kept the language plain intentionally. I wanted it to be everyday, familiar. No obscurity.
That is the theme of the poem. The day to day grit.
I see what you mean about I know/That I love... I am considering cutting the last 4 lines, I am not sure that they add anything. Surplus. Pointless.
I am curious why you don't like sweetheart, though? A term of affection... where the narrator is pausing from story-telling and addressing the partner directly. Without using something unrealistic (when this isn't meant to be an overly descriptive or wordy poem) I'm not sure what would be appropriate?
Fledermaus:
Yes, not consciously deliberate. Not intended to harm or betray.
The lies that are said when a person is deceiving themselves as much as the other person. When their actions, thoughts and feelings conflict with who they hold themselves to be and they are trying to pretend that they aren't that. And still believe that they wouldn't do what they are doing.
I guess it is quite prosaic. But felt more like prose-y poetry than poetic prose.
It is supposed to be the point in a relationship when the facade falls. When projections stop and the infatuation, illusions, fantasies and personae fall away and they see each other for who each of them really is, for the first time. And see the relationship for what it really is. Then a decision is needed as to whether there is enough there to keep it going, or if after the passion and pretences burn out, there is nothing left underneath. If they can love each others flaws and woundings as well as their kindnesses and good points.
I shall ponder some more and see what I can do with it.
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Written by Bookwormandco. (38 comments posted) 20th September 2008 | This is a really lovely piece of work, just needs a little tweaking in my opinion.
I got a tad confused at one point:
'Than holding you
In my hands
Terrified
That I will break you somehow'
it kind of makes it seem like the person you're addressing is a child. Are you referring more to your relationship than the actual person? It just needs to be a bit more clear.
The lack of punctuation lost me a little, as when I read poetry, i can almost hear it in my head, if there's no punctuation i don't know how to read it.
Picking up on what you said, I wouldn't entirely cut out the last four lines, just alter it a little to something more profound, that will leave a lasting impact. (I don't know how you'd do that though :P)
Just a couple of tips for you there, I hope they help.
Keep writing!
Book worm & friends |
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