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Like it!
Written by Katanga (1500 comments posted) 18th September 2008 |
I like this, Brian, dark though it is - particularly the final couplet.
Also the metre, a mix of straightforward iambic pentameters and other varied patterns.
Interesting brhyme scheme - A,B,C, A,B,C, D,E,F, D,E,F, GG.
I can't find a precedent for it in sonnet forms.
Is it your own?
Enjoyed anyway, if that's appropriate given your 'private hell'. Hope it's a poetic persona and not the real you?
Cheers!
John |
Stunning!
Written by grace (173 comments posted) 18th September 2008 |
The brilliance of this amazes me but I can only attempt an interpretation.
For me, it's a waking nightmare, when a man at the end of his life is haunted by Demons bearing regrets and long past guilt, who claim his calm and overwhelm the goodness in his life.
Completely wrong I'm sure but a wonderful read, thank you,
Pamx
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Written by Brett (982 comments posted) 18th September 2008 |
Interesting, Brian. Not your usual style, but worth reading as always.
I liked the 'Years mix with years'/'Words juggle words'/
'Images upon images' - added to the confusion and complexity.
Regarding the form, at first I found it rather like reading Troubadouric, then saw where you were going - a nice twist on the sonnet, and very apt given the content.
Cheers |
more to say
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 18th September 2008 |
You do seem to have a knack for raking up surprising emotions with your work,Brian. I really felt the bleakness of this and had a feeling of desolation after reading it. There were so many images that spoke of wretched despair.
This seemed especially direct for you. There was no working out to be done. There was no mistaking the emotions you were out to elicit. It was that directness that spoke to me most strongly.
We all have these sorts of feelings hidden deeply away and it is very discomforting to see them so clearly and forcefully expressed.
There was another layer of emotion hinted at with mention of the Furies. Aren’t they supposed to be cruel and heartless punishers for crimes? So do you feel, here, that you have somehow earned this desperate state as something heaped upon you rather than just a twist of fate? There is no other mention so I may be reading too much into it.
I remember you saying that you sometimes rely to heavily on the old myths for inspiration but they seem to be the basis for all good themes and stories. It is taking your references directly from source and it gives the work an immediacy and universality that makes it stand out from works that rely on less anchored references. They have stood the test of time.
I was very affected by these few verses .I have read whole books and watched films and not been half so moved.
You still have so much to say.
Cheers
jane
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Not me !
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 18th September 2008 |
Thank you for the review Katanga.
The variation on the sonnet form just happened -- it really was unintentional and I don't know if it has any precedent . Somebody may be able to let us know .
The content is based on something that an acquaintance told me about himself and the epigraph under the title refers to the unfortunate person as well .
Not a personal reference , fortunately.
patterjack
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Yes Pam
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 18th September 2008 |
You have tied it down well in this review . See above-- I know the person about whom this was written , but I assumed his voice to write the work
Thank you for the review .
patterjack |
Ye Olde Troubadour
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 18th September 2008 |
I see what you mean , Brett. Looks as if my subconscious was in there fiddling about-- but it was not an intentional usage -- a lovelorn troubador I ain't -- well not any longer, anyway .
It seems that fourteen lines is my forte --- I must try for forty lines one day ! 
Thanks for the review -- appreciated.
patterjack
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Bleakness , Jane .
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 18th September 2008 |
Right on-- and I really felt for the poor bloke whose problems were really the subject of this verse. Maybe that is why it can be regarded as direct as you term it . I just put down ( with some licence , not much ) what he told me.
I am lucky that in the end I can shrug off my basic problems -- he could not . If I got the emotions over to you so succinctly , I am really pleased .
I too hope that I will find more ways to say what I have to say .
I appreciate , as always , your insights .
patterjack |
"He sings in darkness"
Written by Veronica_Milvus (748 comments posted) 19th September 2008 |
Did the large Hadron collider finally get him? Sounds like he fell into one of those teeny weeny improbable black holes...
It did seem very bleak, this one. Somebody who is opressed by past acts, or even more specifically, past people. They all think they own him - past loves, maybe?
"years mix with years, sequences fall amiss" sounds like the imperfections of memory. It all seems like a very bad dream.
I also thought of the troubadoric form, but that would be four lines to a stanza. I liked the rhyme scheme, although, fourteen lines do not a sonnet make, in my very humble opinion. |
Much depends, Veronica
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 19th September 2008 |
I was not trying to write a sonnet -- it was a result , as I have said often , of what seems to be a growing natural thinking pattern for me -- of fourteen lines.
When I saw the way the rhyme scheme was developing I merely left it in three line stanzas -- no troubadoric intention there.
If you eliminate the spaces between the stanzas , it gets closer to the sonnet form in appearance at least -- particularly with the summary couplet.
There is a period that I must eliminate from line one , stanza four
As for content -- I know very little about the past of the old person who is the subject -- I just relied on his recounting of dreams and kept to that .
Thanks for the comments
patterjack
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nightmarish
Written by fellpony (1702 comments posted) 20th September 2008 |
| so I'm relieved that this is a dramatisation of someone else's torments, and not your own. Obviously strongly felt though, and put together with skill, to haunting effect. |
Yes
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 20th September 2008 |
The night voices did affect him -- and thus , indirectly , me and my feelings .
Glad there was a filter !
Thanks for the review .
patterjack |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
Damn - coming late it's just about all been said - again. Can't pass this one by though.
There's a real power in the bleakness and nightmare quality of this. For me, this pulled straight from the essence of myths before you even referenced in the final couplet.
For me - one of your best. Hits hard.
Phil |
Lateness no problem
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
Main thing , Phil , is that it meant something to you -- so thanks for the review -- I really appreciate it .
patterjack |
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