Characters

 

FRED PHELPS- Crazed evangelical preacher, believes the end times to be nigh.

GEORGE BUSH- The President of the United States. A well-meaning (if dense) hillbilly.

DICK CHENEY- Vice President and evil mastermind. A cross between a Sith Lord and a lizard.

MOB- The American People.

JESUS- a black man in a long white tunic with long black hair and a beard, reading from an "Ebonics-English Dictionary" rather awkwardly. He's a very nice, well-meaning man who happens to be a bit overwhelmed by the pressure from the "Jesus was black" movement and is trying to embrace it as best he can

 

 

FRED PHELPS, A man in a long coat holding a sign that reads, "The End is Nigh", wanders about the stage, yelling.

 

FRED

The End is here! Jesus is coming, I repeat, Jesus is coming! This is not a drill! I have read the signs and they have said that Christ will descend upon earth soon, and take the holy up to Heaven and cast the wicked into Hell!

 

GEORGE W BUSH also wanders on stage, and sees FRED PHELPS.

 

DUBYA

Well howdy there, Freddy! What're you so gussied up for?

 

FRED

Ah! Mister President! Good to see a man of God! You love the bible, do you not?

 

DUBYA

Ayup, yup. I've spent more hours thinking on this thing than there are monkeys in a homo's attic.

 

FRED

Excellent! So I take it you've read it several times?

 

DUBYA

Come again?

 

FRED

You said you base decisions off of-

 

DUBYA

Uh, incorrectamundo there Phelpsy. I said I make them on it. As in standin'? I thought that's all I had to do. What's this here readin' business?

 

FRED

Don't you understand what this means, George? The Bible clearly states that no man shall get into Heaven except for by God! If you don't do what he says, you'll be cast into Hell!

 

DUBYA

Come again?

 

FRED

An eternal pit of fiery torment?

 

DUBYA

Dobleve no comprende.

 

FRED

Imagine being trapped in a karaoke bar with Chris Farley and William Shatner for all time. THAT'S where you're headed if you don't do as God says!

 

DUBYA

Well... we'll see about that!

 

FRED wanders off stage yelling, "Jesus is coming! This is not a drill!" CHENEY enters, resembling a cross between Darth Sidious and a snake.

 

DUBYA

Dicky! You ever read this thing?

 

CHENEY

The Holy Bible? Why of course, Master. Why do you ask?

 

DUBYA

On account I was looking through this here book, and for the life of me, I think this God feller might be a terrorist.

 

CHENEY

Excuse me Master, I'm not sure I heard you right. You believe God's a-

 

DUBYA

A terrorist. That's right. Feller runs around saying if we don't do as he says he'll make us befriend David Spade or go boldly where no man has gone before or some cockamainey notion like that. I'm fairly sure we both know the term for that.

 

CHENEY

But... Master! He is God! Allah! Yahweh! The biggest tortilla this side of San Juan! Surely going to war would not be the wisest of procedures!

 

DUBYA

Dag nabbit Cheney, I ain't gonna cut this Yoohoo cowpoke no slack just on account he can hold a lot of beans! We're fighting this war on terror, and that means we're fighting it against whoever the terrorists are, ‘cause that's the right thing to do!

 

CHENEY

Very admirable, master. It is clear that you are a man of morals. But perhaps we should see if there isn't any way we could reason with this God gentleman. Perhaps we could try talking things out with them. What exactly are his demands, anyway?

 

DUBYA

Well, he's got these 10 comma... commodores. Communists. Commakarmachiliconcarne-

 

CHENEY

Commandments?

 

DUBYA

Yeah, them things. Think we can swing ‘em?

 

CHENEY

Well, why don't we look?

Takes out Bible

 Alright, here's one. Thou Shalt Not Committeth Adultery.

 

DUBYA

Oh no, I always sit at the kiddy table. It's got that nifty paper tablecloth that I can use to draw me wrangling up a T-rex with my power-ranger buddies.

 

CHENEY

Ah, no Master. It means you're not allowed to cheat on your spouse.

 

DUBYA

Oh! Well, there ain't no problem there. You seen Laura lately? The woman's a fox.

 

CHENEY

Aaah yes, I concur. The mistress has the thighs of a shaved lion. Most exquisite.

 

DUBYA

Now Dick, you best be watching your mouth or I'll have to make you holler like a ninny.

 

CHENEY

No, of course not Master! Please, do not take offense. As First Eunuch, surely I can be spared the odd fantasy?

 

DUBYA

Laughing Oh Dicky Dick Dickerooni, don't worry. You know, your name sure makes me wish I knew what "irony" meant.

 

CHENEY

...Yes... In any case, master, the commandments?

 

DUBYA

Right, right. Lay ‘em on me big boy.

 

CHENEY

Honour thy father and thy mother?

 

DUBYA

A-Okay.

 

CHENEY

Thou shall not covet thy neighbour, nor his ass?

 

DUBYA

Ain't no homo. Next?

 

CHENEY

Thou Shalt Not Kill?

 

DUBYA

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Doggie, ain't that a stickler? You sure that don't say "thou shalt not kill ‘cept for brown people"?

 

CHENEY

I'm afraid it just says "thou shalt not kill", master.

 

DUBYA

Well lick my Sacco and call me Vanzetti! What kinda arse-backwards tomfoolery is that anyways? I ain't never seen no society so gunked up in the gallbladder that it won't let simple folk gun down the odd mob o' brown people! Even brown people kill brown people, I don't see why the hell we can't! How's a man supposed to relax if he can't even do that? You let a baker toss out a biscuit if it gets overcooked, same principle! Next they'll be telling us we can't hunt us no elk neither! I don't see no difference, save the brown folk wrap funny tissue paper ‘round them antlers of theirs.

 

CHENEY

Master, with all do respect, as angry as I am at the exclusion of our particular brand of holy justice, I do not believe people of colour actually have antlers.

 

DUBYA

Well how you gonna know that, Dickery-Doo-Dah? They're always wearing turbans or ski masks or them downright ludicrous afros o' theirs! Ain't no way you can tell! That tears it, Cheney, start the camera!

 

CHENEY

But-!

 

DUBYA

Ain't no buts about it! Action!
MOB of people enters, spotlight on DUBYA.

Dear people of America. It has come to my attention that the city of Heaven has been harboring an influential and dangerous terrorist known as "God". This "God" has subjected countless American citizens to his evil subterranean prison camps of brimstone and Star Trek, and as president of the United States I cannot abide by it. Therefore tonight, I have officially declared that the United States, to continue its War on Terror, has declared War on God. It'll be a long war, but I know we're up to it. We're already planning to arrange to have Toby Keith sent to the pearly gates with a sack full of boots and a diagram of the anatomy of God's hiney. I got a good feeling about this one. You folk pumped?

 

MOB

Yeah!

 

MOBSTER #1

Let's Nietzsche that violent Hebrew Zordon!

 

MOBSTER #2

Muertos Los Dios!

 

DUBYA

Yeeeeeehaw! I got a good feeling about this one, folks! See y'all in the nuclear rodeo!

 

MOB leaves

 

CHENEY

A brilliant strategy, Master! But don't you think we ought to have actually spoken to God before we subjected him to the patented Toby Keith Boot Assing?

 

DUBYA

Hmmm. Yeah, you got a good head on your shoulders there, Tex. See if you can't give him a call.

 

CHENEY

Uhm... I'm not sure he's on speed dial, sire.

 

The lights flicker and a choir of angels is heard. JESUS enters.

 

JESUS

Yo, home-skillets. No need to give me a ring-a-ling on the...

peers

top mac-daddy ding dinger? The J-man is in the house. Er... hizouse. Hizzy?

 

DUBYA

Holy Moses!

 

CHENEY

Not quite, master. I believe that might very well be God, but... why is he reading from that book so closely?

 

DUBYA

Yeah. That the bible you be reading from there, son?

 

JESUS

Ain't no holla-back Christ, homeboy. This bling right here be the... Oh screw it.

Tosses the book down bitterly

Look, what was it you gentlemen wanted? I heard you're making quite the ruckus down here.

 

DUBYA

Nuh-uh, first you tell us what book you was reading from there. That some o' dat Haitian voodoo I keep hearing about? Don't think we're intimidated by your fancy-pants stigmata. Ain't that right Cheney?

 

CHENEY

I have been trained in the ancient Sith arts! No man can defeat my mastery of the dark side of bureaucracy!

 

JESUS

Please, gentlemen! There's no need for violence! The book's "Ebonics For Dummies", my PR agent told me I still wasn't "black" enough. But what's this I hear about a war?

 

DUBYA

Well mister Almighty, I got to readin' your little book here-

 

JESUS

Oh thank God, maybe you can help me. Can "Popo" be used singularly, or is it just one Po if they're on their own? Or is there a number of ‘po's directly corresponding to the number of police, so a dozen police would be a Popopopopopopopopopopopo?

 

DUBYA

Not that book you ornery yank! The one with all them "thee"s and "thou"s. We got to reading it, and it said that if we don't believe in you you'll rocket us straight into tarnation. Now I'm sorry to say sir, but ol' Tallywhacker and I here don't take kindly to terrorists-

 

CHENEY

Master, did you just call me Tallywhacker?

 

DUBYA

Hush up, flibber-jim. Now as I was saying, we don't take too kindly to terrorists and I'm afraid that as a matter of national policy we've been forced to declare war against you until you've denounced your evil, car-destroying ways.

 

JESUS

Wait, rocket you to tarnation? What do you mean, I never-

 

DUBYA

You heard me! Hellfire! Brimstone and damnation! Gargling scissors! Just because we don't read your fancy little Bee-blé.

 

JESUS

Bible.

 

DUBYA

There ya go again, with the literacy!

 

JESUS

Look, there must be some misunderstanding. The whole "Hell" thing fell to the wayside a while back. Really, these days, we'll take just about anybody. "Beebley" or no.

 

CHENEY

Bush, huddle.

The two convene stage-left

 

DUBYA

Well this is great Cheney! We can call the whole thing off now! I gotta say, you must be mighty relieved, right feller?

 

CHENEY

Master, you fool! You've already declared War! Toby Keith's toes are primed and lubricated! There is no turning back at this point, thanks to you!

 

DUBYA

You mean we gotta go to war anyway? But we've got no reason!

 

CHENEY

I'm acutely aware of that, Master. We'll need to think up something new.

 

DUBYA

But I told all them people we was going to war over terror! We can't change our minds halfway through!

 

CHENEY

Dammit master, do you really think they'll notice? Now, we need to come up with something!

 

DUBYA

Hold on a tic. Lookit that Christ feller... Long hair, dress, snappy way of speaking... Good flap-jack-flipping Paul Bunyan!

 

CHENEY

Are you headed where I think you are?

 

DUBYA to JESUS

Well ain't that a fiddly muskrat! You're a queer, ain't yah?

 

JESUS

WHAT!? That's the most ludicrous accusation I've ever heard! No, I'm not a homosexual!

 

CHENEY

Aaahhh, but sir, do you not love everyone?

 

JESUS

Of course!

With a hint of irritation

 Including homosexuals, even!

 

CHENEY

Then you love gay men! And you know who else loves gay men!

 

DUBYA

Barbara Streissand and gays! And God don't look like no Barbara!

 

CHENEY

Indeed he does not, Master! Success is ours!

 

BOTH

High-five

Halelujia!

 

JESUS

Oy vey...

Curtain