Saw a brief scene at dawn the other day - the full, apparently stationary moon and an airliner flying south. I jotted down the ideas, and this form seemed a good one to point up the contrast. Golly, it's hard!
high in the thin blue the moon hangs static
a vapour trail slides south brilliant in the dawn
shunning winter cold and enigmatic
for summer freedom she yearns
yet earth’s gravity escaping each year
her beginning and ending a little further into space
|
Admirable, Sue!
Written by Brett (987 comments posted) 21st September 2008 |
It is hard, isn't it! But you have made a fine job of it - love the right hand verse! Some great imagery here.
Enjoyed and admired.
Cheers |
My Goodness!
Written by Katanga (1515 comments posted) 21st September 2008 |
This is scintillating, Sue!
You hinted, about two weeks ago, that you would try this fiendish form . . .
And now - a stonker!
Will you let 'footy' put it on his cleave webzine?
I only have one small query - the syntax of the end of the left-hand piece feels unresolved, if you see what I mean?
The right, the whole, are astonishingly good!
'Golly it's hard!' - Indeed. Jolly well worth the effort, though, as I'm sure you must have felt after penning this truly excellent work?!
Cheers! As ever . . . loking forward to more!
John X |
Very nice
Written by Rioka (8 comments posted) 21st September 2008 |
That's a lovely concept for a cleave poem, it works really well. I especially liked
"yet earth's gravity
her beginning and ending".
-Rachel |
Logically tied
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 21st September 2008 |
which is an achievement .
Perhaps the her causes a problem in relation to the airliner , but overall this is a very strong effort .
patterjack |
Written by Robru (272 comments posted) 21st September 2008 |
A wonderful achievement here to tie in the two halves so brilliantly.
Cheers
Bob |
Written by footy (38 comments posted) 22nd September 2008 |
Thanks for submitting this cleave fellpony.
PT |
Written by Phil (6963 comments posted) 27th September 2008 |
Clever - and as Brian says - logical - which a few of these haven't been.
I can admire the skill and the imagery, but I'm not a fan of the form.
Horses for courses, I suppose.
Phil |
bipolar!
Written by fellpony (1720 comments posted) 27th September 2008 |
| I think you have to have two logical opposites, or two distinct situations or images, to make this form work, and that doesn't always happen. This one came from a lucky accident of the two images appearing together, and sparking my effort. It is damned hard work and I am not totally satisfied with the result because I don't think the rhythms work well, which I would demand in a more cohesive form. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3569 comments posted) 27th September 2008 |
I don't pretend to really understand this style of poetry but this seems to be one of the more coherent offerings and actually works on all three levels. Your explanaition above does make help ; the idea of opposites combining to make another whole is certainly intruguing [and in your case successful]
Admiration
jane |
Written by Fledermaus (3490 comments posted) 29th September 2008 |
Nice one. I think those cleave poems are most interesting. Did two myself, but somehow the lay out didn't go well.
Some nice images here. |
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