Great Writing - Home > Short S. > A Brief Case in Time
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1383 guests online and 2 members online
Shorts
A Brief Case in Time
By keefmagic
22 September 2008
I was attempting with this piece , to build the sense of tension
and excitment gradually . Not sure if I've pulled it off ,
but hopeful it will keep the reader interested . All comments
very welcome .

  Barry pulled his truck into the layby . It was one that left the road , and ran parallel to the main A road , separated by a line of trees and hedgerows . There was the usual burger van situated on the left hand side with a healthy sprinkling of custom up and down the layby , ( healthy perhaps not the appropriate word , for the fare on offer !) . The usual collection of lorry drivers , road gangs and a few car and van drivers  gathered round the open shutter , either chatting , ordering , munching , sipping , laughing and smoking .
     It was a busy lunchtime .. about 1pm . Barry had to pass the gathering outside the van and pull over about 200 yards further up the layby , and only about 50 yards from the exit back onto the main road .
" This will do !" he thought . He stopped the engine , wound down the window and considered his options .Should he take the walk back down to the van and invest in a bacon roll or a sausage sandwich , a polystyrene cup of weak tea or a burger with all the extras ? A few weeks back there would have been no stopping him , but a recent trouser fitting experience and a few sarky comments from his wife about 'love handles' had converted him to the trusted packed lunch of  ham salad sandwiches . Barry slipped off his boots , reclined his seat and set the ever present ,'spy in the cab' to rest mode . A bright sun was glaring at him through the drivers side of the cab , so he switched sides to the passenger seat , and opened that window . A welcome shade and breeze now engulfed him , with his feet up on the dash and with the last bite of his health concsious banana , Barry was a peace in this momentary pause in his day . The banana skin was then dispatched out of the window into the already extensive collection of litter generally abandoned in the ditch along side him . Plastic bags , food wrappers , tin cans , news papers , polystyrene cups and the ubiquitous shopping trolley .
Barry's nap was now fast approaching . His eye's closed .
          He was in that twilight zone between consiousness and sleep , when his peace was interrupted by a car pulling in fast , just 10 yards from the front of his cab . His eye's reopened in annoyance , his slumber thwarted by this abrupt newcomer . A smart black S class Merc , with a lone driver was suddenly now positioned in Barry's eyeline . Nothing unusual about that , but Barry's eye's were kicked into focus by the flagrant hand gesturing of the male , suited , lone driver with his mobile phone stuck to his right ear and his left arm flaying wildly . Obviously in a state of some hysteria , his hand running through his hair in a show of desperation . If it was possible to visualise stress and human tension , this was it . Barry's eye's widened to the spectacle before him , now fully consious and transfixed on the mystery drivers antics . Who was this ? The salesman who's just lost the deal of the century ? An investor who has just lost his client's   fortune ? Or maybe just a blazing row with his wife / mistress / girlfriend !  
          Barry's imaginaton began to run .. it was always a valuable companion in his vocation , with so many solitary hours at the wheel .

         The stranger had obviously finished his call . Barry could see him busily doing something on his passenger seat .. just then the man opened his door and stepped out .Still obvious distressed , looking around sheepishly he gave Barry a hard stare ,in that split second Bary's eyes were closed again , giving a good impression of a snoozing lorry driver .
       Half opened eye's could now see the stranger walking round the back of the car and  looking on every side of  himself  in a nervous manner , clutching a black brief case .
    Barry assumed , he was going to place the case in the boot , but instead he kept walking and gingerly stepped down the ditch and up the other side , disappearing behind the close knit trees and shrubs that bordered the far side of the ditch . Barry wondered to himself ... Why do you take a brief case with you , and where was he going with it ? About 2 minutes later , the stranger reappeared about 10 yards further up the ditch and minus one black brief case . He then jumped up , back onto the road , got into his car , revved loudly , wheeled spinned slightly and took off out of the layby back onto the main road .

     Bary was wide awake now , he took his feet down from off the dash and sat up . " What the hell was that all about ? " ....
  Then his companion burst into life and Barry's imagination was racing .... Was it a drop off of some sort , or a rendezvous gone wrong and a quick stash of the case after a ' bust up ' over the phone . Perhaps that's what the excited phone call was about ?
   So what was in the case ?
   Cash ? .. stuffed full of crisp bank notes ... just how much can you fit in a brief case ? 100,000 ...500,000 ? It must be a dodgy pay-off , or even a ransom . Maybe the connection will turn up in a minute and retrieve the case ?
   What about drug's ! .. a clear plastic bag full of some mystery white powder ? Cocaine , Crack .. thousands of pounds worth !
    Or a gun ! .. A pistol neatly bedded in it's foam surround , or a rifle in it's disconnected pieces .
   Barry's heart rate was increasing and he could feel the sweat on his back and underarms . This was an immense , possibly a life changing dinner break . All that cash ! .... He could retire .. emigrate .. or would he always be looking over his shoulder ? Or had the stranger noticed his number plate ... just incase !
  Would his front door be ' kicked in ' late one night ,with an army of gangsters , pointing shot guns at his head ..demanding their  property back ?

      Barry's breathing was heavy .... He just had too , or regret it forever , take that chance .. shit ! .. he was hating this . He opened the cab door and stepped out . No vehicle had entered the layby .He looked down towards the burger bar and there was still a crowd outside enjoying their lunch in the sunshine and he was confident nobody was watching , so he jumped into the ditch and stepped up onto the far bank , shielding himself behind the trees . He started to shuffle along , but the thick branches and dense foliage were not making it easy . He was trying to pinpoint the spot where the stranger had made his entrance into the  vegetation . On the other side of the trees was a farmer's field , heads of corn bowing graciously in the slight breeze . Barry was begining to wish this wasn't happening , but his trusted companion was incharge now and was spurring him on . 
        A few yards on , and there it was , resting up against a tree stump with a wet patch where the stranger had relieved himself when dumping the case . Barry picked up the case and moved back a little , to get maximum cover from the trees , then dropped to his knees . His heart was now pounding and beads of sweat dripped onto the case . The case was heavy , it was a good quality case made from the finest of leather and a combination lock each side of the handle . 2 numbered dials left at random . He tried each lock .. one was solid but the other came open easliy and the metal catch flicked up effortlessly . It was  broken ! This side of the case was definately broken . He tried to re-engage the lock to test it .. and nothing ! He just had to prize it open somehow . The thinnest of gaps was available , with only half the case shut tight , but not enough to see any contents .
Barry was panting now , adrenalin ,excitement and fear now coursing through his veins , but his companion was relentless and not letting go ,just would not let him walk away.
He found a thin flint like stone and began to wedge into the side of the case then finding a fist sized half brick started hammering , if he could just get enough of a gap for his finger's he could possibly prize it open , ...then he froze.

A car was moving slowly and creeping along the lay-by , it came to a halt exactly where Barry was positioned behind the tree's ,  Barry's heart nearly thumped out of his chest ,he began to feel faint and nauseous ,the car just sat there engine running  ,he waited for the door's to open and a gang of heavy's to get out and start scouring the ditch and tree's for the case.
He began to wish he had fallen asleep five miniutes earlier and been oblivious to all this madness , this was insane.
The car just sat there no door's opened ,as he was considering running into the farmer's field when he heard the car engage gear and move off and out off the lay-by.
Barry's breathing returned from sheer terror to nervous panic , he knew he had to do this now ,he twisted the thin stone into the gap and gave one mighty whack with the larger stone ,he just needed enough gap for his fingertips to invade the narrow space avaliable , this had to be it ,now or never he gave one mighty yank  and with a twang of metal the case flew open ,Barry reeled backwards , piece's of lock flew into the ditch, he righted himself now on hand's and knee's he crawled over to case to view the contents .Empty.Completly empty ,nothing
he searched the various compartments and found three paperclips.
Sweat was pouring out of him he was exhausted ,he leaned back on his knee's and stared at the sky.
Using a tree branch he clambered to his feet and started off towards his cab, his legs  were like jelly and his shirt soaked in sweat ,staggering through the tree's and jumping over the ditch he arrived at his cab.
Sitting back in his seat , running his hands through his hair  ,he glanced at the clock and saw that the spy had taken sufficient rest.
After a few moments of silent reflection on his adventure and the possibilitie's of the consequence's Barry breathed a huge sigh of relief.
He started the engine and moved off slowly , taking one last look at the spot in the ditch where the abandoned case now lay split in two, he conceeded to his companion , cursed him , smiled , and joined the main road.









.

Reviews
Three paperclips and a cardiac arrest
Written by John_O (150 comments posted) 17th October 2008
Hi K 
There was a perceptible ratchetting up of the tension, so mission achieved, but a lot of typo's distracted the eye. Quite a bit of work needed on the punctuation too, this didn't help the story to flow as well as it could have. 
 
The trouble with anti-climatcic endings is just that; they are anti-climactic. I think that the last few lines need to be chopped back and restyled, maybe along these lines. 
'Using a tree branch he clambered to his feet and started off towards his cab, his legs were like jelly and his shirt soaked in sweat; staggering back to the safety of his cab he threw himself in. 
"Stupid imagination." He grumbled at his over active other. "Back to reality." 
With the layby fading in the rearview mirror boring old reality was, for a change, quite welcome." 
You will note that companion has become his other (self). I think it is just easier for the reader to absorb, a companion suggests a physical companion and his imagination is really an aspect of his self. 
As with all stories, they improve with re-writing, good luck with the next version 
John_O

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item