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Simple, but effective.
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 23rd September 2008 |
Pam, you have packed so much into four lines of pentametre. The allusion to the keys in the first line is good, but to say 'He only sees the world in black and white' really describes the object's dedication, maybe even obsession. I also liked allegretto and andante as metaphors of age.
Admirable.
Cheers |
Written by grace (173 comments posted) 23rd September 2008 |
Thank you so much Brett, I'm delighted by your generous and thoughtful comments,
sincerely, Pamx  |
Rallentando...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 23rd September 2008 |
... which seems to be the chief conductor's take on the music of life.
Just finished reading a novel, a very good one too ( for assistance with my grandson's school work ) about an obsessed musician. Apt .
Not too sure about the use of game but I agree overall with Brett.
patterjack |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
| Grace, I loved the ideas behind your poem, and perhaps he also saw the world in forte and pianissimo, for it seems that sometimes the noise and bustle is too much and we seek peace. Everything about your poem was thought provoking. For me, but perhaps I am wrong, the last couple of lines faltered slightly on the pentameter. The first two were perfect. I felt you needed a light word before allegretto, eg: the ALeGRETto WHEN youth LEADS the DANCE - here you can see the five counts clearly. What do you think? |
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
Josie, those last two lines are in pentametre, they are merely trochaic rather than iambic - this is perefectly natural (there are still five beats to each line) Shakespeare, Keats, Yeats, et al use this method, besides it breaks the monotony.
I thought the method put to very good use.
Sorry for jumping in, Pam.
Cheers |
Yes, Brett - re Josie!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
I't's a natural confusion, especcially since the last two lines are 'catalectic' in that they have nine syllables with an incomplete trochaic foot at the end.
Since the last syllable is stressed, it's easy to mistake 'the dance' and 'the game' for iambs and then try to 'repair' the beginning of the lines, as Josie has done.
This is not 'Fry' (I'm not past p.63) - just googling 'trochaic pentameter' and coming across the term 'catalectic'.
Hope this sorts it out Josie?
John X |
Pam!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
. . . I meant to add, I think it's an excellent poem.
Quality over quantity!
Cheers!
]
John |
Thanks, John
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
But remember in English metrical verse it is the 'beats' that count, not the syllables - we could break down this poem metrical foot by metrical foot, but that would be tedious. Enough to say that Pam is obviously a poet who knows what she is doing, she is writing in pentametre and therefore has not faltred with her metre, and there is nothing unusual in pentametre in using trochees for an entire line or to open a line with one trochaic foot and continue with four iambic feet (worn myself out now).
Cheers |
Hmmmmm!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
Yes, I now see it's more complicated.
I feel I need to stress 'youth' and 'age' for contrast, and now the lines cease to be straightforwardly trochaic, even with the catalectic point.
I shall have to ponder further.
Maybe they're iambic with a thingummy at the beginning (short, short, long), with 'youth leads' and 'age slows' as spondees?
Likewise worn out!
Cheers!
John |
Then again . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
. . . that would make them tetrametric instead of pentametric.
Dang!
Cheers!
John |
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
Easy to over complicate things, isn't it!
I still think they read as pentametre (though I appreciate what you mean about stressing 'youth' and 'age', Tolstoy).
If you start placing trochees, iambs, anapaests and spondees in one line, I think we're heading for a metrical motorway pile-up.
Cheers |
Written by grace (173 comments posted) 24th September 2008 |
And there was I thinking it was a simple verse! 
Brett, Patterjack, Josie and John,
thank you all very much indeed for your generous and thoughtful comments, a fascinating discussion,
sincerest warm wishes to all,
Pamx |
Written by Gwynedd (83 comments posted) 1st October 2008 |
| I love this poem! I think it reads smoother without 'only' in the first line but I know very little about poetry so don't listen to me. Gwyn |
Written by grace (173 comments posted) 2nd October 2008 |
Hello Gwyn,
thank you so much for your kind comments on this piece. I understand what you mean about "only" but I just feel I need it to emphasise his obsession. I very much appreciate your suggestion though,
very sincerely,
Pamx |
Written by Gwynedd (83 comments posted) 2nd October 2008 |
| Ah! I can see your point now. I told you I know very little about poetry :0) |
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