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You crafty devil!
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 23rd September 2008 |
What a pair (if you'll pardon the expression) to juxtapose!
This reads effortlessly, but I'm sure some hard toil went into its creation. Loved the 'Aphrodite' verse.
Cheers |
Sneaky , I know
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 23rd September 2008 |
I had been thinking for a while about doing something on old Zeke -- I had read up on him a fair bit . But it had stalled -- then I suddenly thought of visions -- and it took me an hour or so to tuck Aphrodite on the ends.
The direct contrast of the carnal and the vatic was too good to miss.
Thanks for the praise -- it's always welcome to anyone , ain't it !
patterjack |
So clever
Written by grace (173 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
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. . .an here's the rest of it.
Written by grace (173 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
So cleverly written in two poems that work perfectly separately or when read as one. The opposing subjects that compliment rather than conflict. Clean lines, considered and successful,
brilliant as ever Patterjack,
Pamx  |
Two for emphasis !
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
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and here's the rest of it ...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
You probably did the same thing as I so often do-- hit the post button at the bottom of the panel -- almost automatically.
Thank you for the comment , grace -- it was an interesting exercise -- but not one that I would care to repeat often.
Unless one has something to say ( and in this verse there is an obvious hidden meaning ) concentrating on mere form is a waste of time and effort , both for writer and reader
patterjack |
Masterful!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
A masterful cleave, Brian, I think the best I've seen so far (and there must be getting on for 15 so on here by now).
Pretty much perfectly knitted together.
The only small thing that is bugging me slightly is that reading the Aphrodite half on its own, the 'him' has no one to refer to - noy sure if this matters though!
Regarding double / multiple posting of reviews, in my experience this comes from hitting 'carriage return', mistakenly assuming that this will move the cursor down into the comment box. It doesn't, it simply posts the title.
Cheers!
John |
Generic term
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
That him pushes outwards towards man in general faced with a goddess -- but I do take your point -- it flustered me a bit too. Can't see any way round it at the moment .
Thanks for the comment -- much appreciated .
And if there are multiple ways to bugger up a posting , I can find them with ease -- especially if I am hurrying 
Thanks again
patterjack |
Damnation
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
Now I think I can see a way -- perhaps substitute watcher for the second him
patterjack |
Yes Brian, . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
. . . that would do the trick, I think, though slightly odd on its own without an article?
Would 'the watcher' work better?
Either way, it gets rid of having three 'him's in a row in the 'full' version!
Cheers!
John |
'Watcher'
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
I think would work, Brian.
Excellent poem(s).
Cheers |
'Watcher' (again)
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
I think 'watcher' without an article works perfectly well.
Read as a whole it works (following 'sweeping him...)
and reading just 'Aphrodite' it would refer to the universal watcher.
Cheers
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On rereading . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
. . . I agree with Brett - no article needed!
Let 'watcher' stand alone!
Ah well, at least this banter has boosted your reviews!
Heh! Heh!
Cheers!
John |
Done
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
Thanks all for the prompt
patterjack |
excellent
Written by footy (38 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
indeed
this is a most excellent Cleave
PTD |
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
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Early morning boo boo
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 25th September 2008 |
A cross-eyed strike at the keyboard again --that blank was meant to be a thank you to footy
patterjack |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 27th September 2008 |
| I agree that a strong contrast between the two halves is what makes this rather complex form. And you have demonstrated that very eloquently here. The key to this is finding the dichotomous subject. Nice job! |
Indeed Veronica it's omplex to keep
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 27th September 2008 |
And yet , I hope it remained balanced between the flesh and the spirit . I have my own biasses of course .
Thanks for the remarks
patterjacknull |
Written by Phil (6997 comments posted) 27th September 2008 |
I confess up front - I'm not a fan of the form - but this read well, particularly the Aphrodite half. Tied together well too.
Phil |
Written by footy (38 comments posted) 28th September 2008 |
Thanks for this
it is published here patterjack:
Cleaves from greatwriting |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 28th September 2008 |
The trouble for me with this form is there are three poems together to try and assimilate and understand and they are all interlinked. One at a time is usually enough for me. Until now I've admired the clever word play involved but not really engaged with them.
Sue's idea of logical opposites or distinct images put it into some context for me but the combined poem often seemed forced and didn't really relate to the others.But here I think it works on all levels and I particularly liked the way you titled both the works. That was a master-stroke and the concept of visions both was brillliant- a prophetic vision and a beautiful one, and the combined poem also made sense.
Using myth and history for reference grounded the work and gave it added validity. Before this I just thought they were a vapid intellectual exercise; but with the counterpoint you provided in this I can appreciate that they can have some appeal and engage the heart as well as the head[ in other words - there is some point to them]
I've just clicked onto the link above and I still think this is the only cleave I've read to go beyond just clever word play.
I think this is really rather special
cheers
jane |
cloven visions
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 28th September 2008 |
Thanks Jane for such a complimentary review . It is strange that I have had for some time a fair amount of feeling about ( not necessarily for ) Zeke, and , naturally for me , a lot more feeling for Aphrodite
I don't really like the cleave form -- it is a literary exercise to me and the perspiration required quite swamps the inspiration .
But I am glad you liked it -- because it is likely to remain a sole effort on my part in the form
patterjack |
Probably wise
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 29th September 2008 |
| I can understand that. I'm not surprised that you attempted it and also not surprised that, having acquitted yourself with honours, you will not take the form any further. After all I wouldn't have thought you had anything to prove. |
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