The world didn't change while I slept.
Cardboard chill is still my home,
soot covered broken bridge my ceiling,
how it trembles in fear of roaring
diesel progress, waking the night,
challenging the day, cracking
weary bricks.
At dawn the world is empty,
as is my stomach,
as are my dreams.
Industry sleeps but
anticipation spikes the air.
Soon, they will swarm;
the rich to their city eyries,
heads in the clouds,
heads of business, heads of state,
heads or tails,
decisions wait!
Blue collars,
in ones and twos,
marching to a swagger tune,
booted and muted
by a sleep disturbed,
but now I must dine,
on sell-by dates earlier than mine,
second hand,
second place,
second to the human race.
As my dignity is crushed
by a well heeled boot
in a faceless rush
memories of clean despair
define a life no longer there,
beware. . .
Here but for the grace. . .
this grimy hair could frame your face.
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There but for the grace Written by TimCharigan (4 comments posted) 27th September 2008 | Loved this Grace - very moving, with some great lines, e.g. 'challenging the day' 'cardboard chill' and 'booted and muted' Just checking - 'heads or tales' is that just a typo or do I just not get the idea? Send this to Shelter! Tim | Odd Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 27th September 2008 | Despite the clue of cardboard my first impressions were of Lowry -- strengthened by the industrial images like blue collar-- how easy it is to get off track ! I think that as a whole the poem could be tightened -- it is discursive -- particularly the stanza beginning They injure me where the referent to they is vague ,and from here the poem is full of abstracts till the concluding lines . But this has a strongly bitter feel underlying it with its well contrasted situations . Well done patterjack | Hi Tim, Written by grace (173 comments posted) 28th September 2008 | thank you so much for your kind coments on this piece, I'm so pleased that you feel the message comes across. I'm also grateful that you noticed my 'typo' which I have now corrected. I have made some changes at the end of the piece in response to some thoughts shared by Patterjack, I hope you approve, again, I'm most grateful, warmest wishes, Pamx | Hi Patterjack, Written by grace (173 comments posted) 28th September 2008 | I'm delighted that overall you found some worth in this but I hear your reservations. I haven't touched the early part of the piece but I have tinkered with the latter verses. I'm not convinced that you will consider it an improvement but I feel myself that it's more defined and I certainly thank you for your comments, very sincerely, Pamx | You underestimate !!! Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 28th September 2008 | More than some worth Grace . And I do think it is tighter now . pm will arrive patterjack
| Chilling . . . Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 28th September 2008 | . . . air to this, Pam - brilliant! I particularly like your play on the word 'heads' and the line: 'anticipation spikes the air' and your ending is a killer! Phwooooarh! Cheers! John X | Written by sometimes (2 comments posted) 29th September 2008 | Loved the pictures it painted and went to cardboard city whilst reading. The ending was exactley right and could have been no better!!! Thanks for the journey - Simon | Written by grace (173 comments posted) 29th September 2008 | Hi John and sometimes, thank you both so very much for your kind thoughts on this piece, it really is good to know that the message comes through the words, I'm very grateful, warmest wishes, Pamx | Good Art! Written by sutpau (18 comments posted) 29th September 2008 | From my narrow antipodean perspective good art,more often than not, reflects something about the human condition. Your piece does this I think. It is a verbal 'Streers of London', or a a colourful 'good time girl' in a Lautrec. Though some of the paint strokes may have been imperfect, the umagery, the commentary, and the feeling were all strong and immediate. I liked this very much. Thanks | Thank you. . . Written by grace (173 comments posted) 29th September 2008 | so much for your thoughtful and generous comments, I'm so pleased you feel that the essence of this is strong enough to convey its message, with much appreciation, Pamx |
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