Eventually, Saturday arrives. I make my way to the Red Dragon & Duck, slightly dreading it.
‘Evening.’ The bouncer says, in greeting.
‘Evening.’
‘Can I just have a look at you?’
‘Erm… ok, sure.’
He stares at me intently. I hear him mutter ‘cheekbones…up to standard, eyes… hmmmm…. Oval shape, great nose, firm chest, stomach flat but not ripped’
‘I can let you in this time, but get some surgery on your eyes, ok?’
‘Where can I get the surgery?’
‘There’s a place in London.’ He gives me a card. ‘They may not get it right, so you may need to keep on going.’ The card reads: “ALLIED COSMETIC SURGERY TRUST. Whether you wish for a new, improved appearance, increased success in dating, or simply greater acceptance in society, we will make your dreams come true. We will provide you with a FREE consultation. To arrange a consultation, call us at 020 8 694 100.’
‘How much does it usually cost?’
‘Well, a blepharoplasty, which is what you will need, will cost about £3,100.’
I take a few seconds to recover from the shock.
‘Is it that essential?’
‘Dude, people will hate you if you don’t. It does have to be done really. Your body’s shit as well so do some ‘roids or go on a diet or something.’
I make my way through the door, exhaling sharply. The building itself has not changed much since I last went here.
 I look around, but the group are not in sight. Perhaps they haven’t turned up yet?
‘How did you get in here?’
I look round to see a blonde woman, roughly mid-30s, black blouse and jeans, speaking to me.
‘I’m sorry… how do you mean?’
‘You know what I mean. Just look at you!’
‘I can’t do that. I didn’t bring a mirror with me.’ I joke.
‘Yeah, yeah, I know… but…’
‘I don’t think he’s heard the new rules.’ Says another woman, slightly younger, also blonde, who has been sitting at the bar.
‘Hey, you!’
I spin round to see Jason.
‘That scared the crap out of me!’
‘You take things too heavily, pal. Drink?’
‘Sure.’
‘What would you like?’
‘Corona please.’
‘Holmes,’ he says, angrily ‘you know we don’t drink that shit. Why can’t you drink Carling like normal people?’
I decide that honesty is the best policy. ‘I just don’t like it, that’s all.’
‘Do you want to be part of the group or not?’
‘Yes, yes, but…’
‘No buts. You’re having a Carling. The others are over there.’ He points to a table in the far left corner. ‘I’ll be there in a minute.’
I sigh, and head to the table.
‘Evening, Holmes!’ shouts Evans.
‘Holmes!’ shouts Fred.
‘Who the fuck is Holmes? This isn’t a detective story.’ Says Tony.
‘Simon Holmes.’ Says Fred.
‘Oh yes, of course! Hi, Simon’ says Tony.
‘Remember, Evans is also called Simon, so that’s why we call him Holmes.’
‘Ah, yes of course. Now I remember him.’
I notice a girl among the group. She is quite gaunt, and is wearing an emerald-coloured dress. Her hair is tied back in a pony-tail.
‘Who is this?’ I ask.
‘This is Keira.’ Says Evans. ‘She’s my girlfriend’ He hugs her closer to him. I think I can also see him putting his hand to his crotch.
‘Hi, Keira. Nice to meet you.’ I offer a handshake.
She shakes my hand. ‘Nice to meet you too, Holmes.’
‘She’s a good catch, isn’t she?’ says Evans, who I swear has his hand on his crotch, even though I can’t believe that he would be so crass.
‘Mm’. I murmur.
‘Going to be giving her a good shagging later.’
‘Mm. Yeah, sure, enjoy it.’
‘You won’t be doing that, will you? You don’t even have a girlfriend.’
‘Nope, I’m single.’
The whole group laughs.
‘Never mind, you might get one in here. You probably won’t,’ he hugs Keira closer to him at this point, ‘get a piece of arse like this though.’
‘Nah, Holmes isn’t attractive enough for that.’ says Tony
‘Yeah, well he’s better-looking than you. Mind you, you managed to get in, didn’t you? Obviously the bouncer must be blind.’
I put my hands up. ‘Look, just never mind. Why do we have to talk about this?’
The whole group seems dismayed at this question.
‘Holmes! How can you say that?’ asks Tony.
‘I just don’t want to talk about my looks, or Tony’s looks, or anything like that. I just want… to have… a good time.’
‘If you bring that attitude here,’ says Evans threateningly, ‘I will punch you right in the fucking face, and then you’ll learn the importance of looks the hard way, you scumbag.’
‘That wasn’t the point I was trying to make.’ I sigh.
‘Leave him,’ says Keira. ‘he’s obviously just having a funny turn.’
At this point Jason comes back with the drinks. He gives everyone a Carling.
Evans goes ballistic when he realises that Keira is also drinking Carling.
‘What? WHAT’S THIS?’ he shouts. ‘Girls don’t drink beer!’
‘I usually drink beer. Never thought twice about it.’ Says Keira.
‘It was just what she wanted….’ Says Jason.
‘Don’t you fucking give me that!’ says Evans. ‘If you don’t get her a Smirnoff Ice right now, I will strangle you.’
‘Eugh! Smirnoff Ice is yucky.’ Says Keira.
Evans looks at her threateningly, but chooses to behave. ‘Ok, darling, I’ll get a WKD for you then.’
‘I don’t like alcopops,’ complains Keira, ‘why can’t I drink beer?’
Evans has a mad look in his eyes, but I can sense that he doesn’t want to threaten her, in case he loses her.
‘Listen’ he commands, authoritatively. ‘it’s just not for girls, alright? I won’t go out with a girl who drinks beer. Full stop.’
Keira looks thoughtful, then says ‘Ok, I’ll have a white wine.’
‘Which kind would you like?’
‘Jacob’s Creek, please.’
‘No saying please. You don’t need manners. You’re the queen, and they’re your servants.’
‘Ok, may I have a Jacobs’ Creek.’
‘No, you say “get me a Jacob’s Creek now!” Show your authority!’
‘Ok….get me a Jacob’s Creek now!’ It’s clear that she’s acting, and that she doesn’t really want to say this.
‘That’s the way! Jason, you heard.’
‘Yep.’ Says Jason, in a fed up way. He goes to the bar to get Keira’s drink.
At this point, a couple of girls, who were at the table next to us, come over to us. It eventually becomes apparent to me that these are the two girls who I confronted on Wednesday.
‘Heelloooh!’ says the brunette.
‘Hi’ says Fred.
She introduces the blonde girl to the group: ‘This is Claire’.
‘Who the fuck’s that?’ asks Claire, pointing to Fred.
‘That’s Fred.’ I say.
‘Ah right.’
‘What are you doing hanging out with him?’ the brunette asks Evans. ‘My name’s Anna by the way.’
‘He’s someone I know from work.’
‘Seems like a minger. Anyway, I was just going to say, you are the best-looking guy I have ever seen. Would you like to come over to our table?’
‘Um… I can’t. I have a girlfriend.’
Claire looks at Keira for two seconds. A disgusted expression follows. ‘What are you doing with that? You deserve far better.’
‘You’re coming for a drink with us. Come on.’ Says Anna, taking Evans by the hand.
Something erupts from deep within Evan’s psyche, and he lets it out: ‘I have a girlfriend. Besides, you don’t even know me. How long have you actually been speaking to me?’
‘But you’re gorgeous.’
‘Totally,’ says Claire. ‘in all my life I have never seen anything like him. And you do not need to be together with that piece of crap’ she points to Keira, ‘or those bunch of losers there.’ she points in our general direction.
‘But you don’t even know me. What do you really know about me? I’d much rather be talked to like a person, just to have a real conversation, just like.. just like people used to.’
‘So what you’re saying is that you don’t want to have a drink with us?’
‘Per se, I don’t object to it. It’s just that I’d like you to get to know me properly. Also, there are boundaries. I’m in a relationship. It’s not your right to break that relationship, just like that.’ He snaps his fingers to emphasise the words ‘just like that’.
‘So, that means you don’t want a threesome with us then.’ Says Anna. ‘You have your chance, and you don’t take it. How pathetic.’
‘I’d much rather be making love to Keira, if you must know.’
‘Yeah, best you can get with your attitude.’
‘We didn’t realise you were such a sentimental thing. Obviously, your sad little group is more important to you than us. Well, we’d better be off.’
‘Goodbye.’ says Evans.
When they are gone he says: ‘You won’t be missed.’
‘Evans,’ I say. ‘that just astounded me.’
‘I don’t know.’ He puts his head in his hands. ‘I don’t know why I said all that.’
I sense that there’s something hidden here. Basically, there is a belief in standards, but social pressure has prevented him from putting these standards in place. His standards have just been challenged to their very limit, and he has finally just exploded, like a pressure cooker. Too much time keeping things inside, too much time pretending, and finally he has lost control and let us know what he really thinks.
Jason comes back to the table with Keira’s drink.
‘Thank you.’ She says.
Normally Evans would try to ‘correct’ this, but instead he seems deep in thought.
‘Did you see Hollyoaks?’ asks Jason, to no-one in particular.
‘What, last night?’
‘Yeah.’ Says Fred.
‘The end really didn’t go as I expected.’
‘Yeah. That tends to be the idea.’
‘What happened?’ I ask.
‘Well, Danny stayed together with her.’
‘Ah yes, of course. Danny.’ I remember the character. ‘I must admit, I haven’t kept up with it.’
‘You bloody should, Holmes.’ Says Jason. ‘You’re a loser if you don’t.’
‘I thought losers were people who well… watch Hollyoaks.’ Says Tony. ‘People who are too fucking minging to pull, so they have to make do with leering at the birds on TV, people who don’t have enough mates to have parties, and actually get interested in the plot of a soap.’
‘Yeah, anyone who takes an interest in that has got to be a bit of a no-hoper.’ Says Jason. ‘It’s all for filling up time really, isn’t it? Sometimes I don’t have enough money to do anything cool.’
‘You two,’ says Evans ‘are being very shallow indeed. What’s wrong with studying soaps? Doesn’t it give people something to talk about?’
‘But you don’t need to talk about anything at parties’ says Tony. ‘You just get pissed up, maybe do a cheeky line or two, then you vomit.’
‘And you pull as well,’ says Jason ‘well, I do, Tony usually doesn’t because he’s an ugly c***.’
I roll my eyes.  Suddenly a thought occurs to me, which I express out loud:
‘Actually, have any of you considered cosmetic surgery? I got given a card by the bouncer. Look.’
‘If you’re saying I need that, Holmes, I will give you some for free.’ Threatens Evans.
‘I’m not being rude. Just curious.’
‘No,’ says Jason ‘I don’t believe in that. So many people do that these days. It’s utterly pathetic. A sign that our society is becoming increasingly superficial.’
‘But it makes you look hot’ says Tony.
‘Yeah, like fuck you’d know,’ says Evans ‘no I agree, Jason. We really need to get in touch with our core values, which materialism has taken away from us.’
‘I just fucking hate it,’ Jason carries on ‘it’s so corrupt. These people go because the media makes them unhappy when they don’t need to be. If we just turned off the TV, we’d have a much socially richer society, instead it’s just this babe, that honey, no personality behind them, no real interaction.’
‘But without the TV, I’d miss Neighbours.’ Complains Tony.
‘For fuck’s sake, Tony.’ Says Evans ‘you never listen do you? So, anyway. Yeah, people want to be like that babe, that hunk, whatever, that they see on TV. There’s no real socialisation any more. Just a load of stupid, pathetic dreams. It’s just so utterly tawdry. Why can’t we just relax, enjoy ourselves, and ultimately, pay attention to what’s important?’
‘The pornography industry doesn’t help either,’ says Jason ‘sheessshhh, I fucking hate that stuff.’
‘You a prude or something?’ Tony jeers.
‘No, Tony, I’m not a prude. It’s just that it gives people false expectations, and they get corrupted by it.’
‘And when do we get together,’ says Evans, ‘it’s just get drunk isn’t it? Utterly pathetic and shallow. Why can’t we just have an interesting discussion once in a while?’
‘It’s just a sad release from our miserable lives, lives which have been made miserable by all the pressures. So, Holmes, basically if someone you know is considering surgery, tell them not to do so. They should realise that they’re fantastic human beings, and as long as they are confident in themselves, they don’t need to change.’
‘Ok, that’s splendid advice.’
“Can I trust their advice though?” I think.
 I choose not to tell them that it was recommended… well, pushed down my throat, as I guess if I don’t get the blepharoplasty done, I won’t get into this pub again.
‘I’ve pulled at every single party I’ve been to this year.’ Boasts Tony.
‘Yeah, but I bet you got kicked out of bed afterwards.’ Says Jason.
‘Never have actually.’
Jason frowns in surprise. ‘Must be right slappers then. Like your mum, no doubt.’
Tony looks very angry at this, but says nothing.
‘Of course,’ Jason continues ‘sometimes there’s no-one around to do anything with either.’
‘You could take yourself out somewhere.’ I suggest.
‘Like where?’
‘Maybe the pub, or a day out: look round a museum maybe.’
‘On my own! Ha! Ha!’
‘Why, what’s wrong with that?’ I turn my hands outwards in a defensive gesture.
‘Well, it’s what losers do, innit?’
‘Not necessarily.’
‘I can’t be seen to go to places on my own. I’d just seem really unpopular. Just because that’s what you do, Holmes, you freak.’
I choose simply to say nothing.
‘What is she doing in here?’ inquires Evans.
‘Who?’ I ask.
‘Her over there.’ He points to the south-west of the pub. I see a few people talking to each other, all female. I don’t know who he is referring to particularly.
‘What about her?’
‘She looks like a pig!’
A thought suddenly occurs to me. ‘What are these new rules?’ I ask.
‘Ah yes, I think you’ve finally cottoned on to it,’ says Evans ‘the pub has a new policy. It’s called face control. Basically, if you’re a minger, they say ‘members only’ and they don’t allow you in.’
‘Ok… why do they need to operate a policy like that?’
‘Well, it’s self-explanatory, isn’t it?’ Jason chips in. ‘Keeps the dregs away. Don’t you want to be surrounded by beautiful people? Holmes?’
‘Who cares? I’m happy to be surrounded by people.’
They all look at me as if I’ve doubted that World War I ever took place.
‘I really think you’ve gone bonkers, Holmes. You should see a psychiatrist.’ Says Evans.
‘Maybe it’s just the rest of the world that’s mad.’ I mutter.
‘A girl like that,’ says Jason ‘should not be allowed out of the house. She should be made to do people’s laundry. That’s all she’s worth. In fact…. She doesn’t even deserve to live.’
My stomach ties in knots, and a sense of sorrow shoots from my brain to my body, penetrating my heart. I’m so overwhelmed by it, I have to close my eyes, and take a few deep breaths, simulating escape from the world which surrounds me.
‘Are you alright?’ I open my eyes, to see Evans move his lips.
‘No.’ I admit.
‘I think I can see what’s going on here.’ Says Jason. ‘You’ve got to get used to it, Holmes. It’s just the way the world works. Besides, we’re not saying any of this about you.’
‘He’s not bad-looking.’ Says Evans. ‘You’ll be fine, Holmes. It’s Tony who should be worried.’
At this point, Tony lashes out at Evans, but I restrain him.
‘Yeah but Tony knows the right people, so it’s ok for him.’
‘Stop having a go at him.’ I sigh. ‘It’s beside the point.’
‘You really don’t appreciate beauty, do you?’ Evans asks me. ‘That’s why I’m concerned about you.’
‘It’s not that. I just don’t like the system.’
‘You’ve really got to get used to it, Holmes’ says Jason ‘it’s all designed to make the world better.’
My heart suddenly beats faster, as I discover the poison arrow. ‘So, Jason, how exactly does your criticism of that apparently piggy girl relate to what you said earlier?’
‘Ummm…. Um… Shut up, Holmes.’
‘Are you saying, Holmes, that you don’t trust us? Because if that’s the case, you can get the fuck out of here.’ Says Evans, pointing towards the door.’
‘No, no, it’s ok. I’ll stay.’ I try my best not to smirk.
‘Anyway’ says Evans. ‘time for another round.’ ‘Another Jacob’s Creek?’ he asks Keira.
‘Ok.’
‘Go get the drinks, Jason. Ask the others what they’d like.’
I dread the moment that he will ask for a drink. As I need a piss anyway, I excuse myself and make my way to the lavatory.
A group of people at the table laugh as I make my way through. I get irritated and stick my middle finger up at them. They pretend to ignore this.
I enter the Gents.
‘I’m not pissing next to that guy. He’s definitely got the biggest dick here.’
I see three gentlemen, all dressed in suits, two of them talking to each other. With no room at the urinals, I check the door of the lavatories.
‘It depends how many birds he’s been up.’
‘Eh?’
‘Oh, haven’t you heard? Basically, my friend, the more chickies a guy shags, the bigger his cock is.’
‘I’ve been up 50 in the last year. That alright?’
‘Bit inadequate mate. Probably means you masturbate more than anyone else.’
‘So?’
‘Well it doesn’t count, does it? You’re not pulling. Your dick will shrivel to… this.’
I can only make out their words, but I can imagine that this guy is making a sign to emphasise his point.
‘Shit! Any idea how I can get more birds into bed?’
‘Well you got to be mean. If they’ve got boyfriends, beat them up. Let nothing get in the way of you and her hole.’
I finish pissing and open the door.
‘I think beating up their boyfriends up is a bit much.’
‘Well, do you want her pussy or not?’
‘Well, yes, of course.’
‘Right. Nice guys finish last. Don’t be like that.’
‘I don’t know about that…’
‘They always finish last. Take my advice, I’ve pulled 1,232 times this year and still counting.’
‘But…’
I can no longer make out the words. I get a bit giggly, and have to try very hard not to laugh as I make my way back to the table.
Tony is saying ‘I pulled 600 birds in the last year. So that makes me an alpha among us.’
‘Shut up Tony,’ says Jason ‘you don’t pull, you’re an ugly ****.’
Ignoring this comment, Tony carries on ‘Did you know that people who work in law masturbate more than anyone else? I read a study. They just can’t get laid.’
‘I know someone who works in law,’ says Jason ‘and he pulls more than you do because you’re an ugly ****.’
‘But you don’t know that.’ I chip in.
‘Well can you believe that he would get laid?’ says Jason.
‘Possibly.’
‘No, no chance,’ says Evans ‘just look at him. He doesn’t pull because he’s an ugly ****.’
‘Yeeeessss.’ I say, in a bored way. ‘I think you’ve said that before.’
‘So how many times have you pulled then, Holmes?’ asks Jason.
‘Does it matter?’
‘Well, of course. If you have to take your own boxers off, you’re losing.’
‘Not necessarily. I thought it was meant to be enjoyable. Besides… I read in the paper about people regretting it the next morning. And if such is the case, can it mean that much?’
‘You really need to lighten up, Holmes. Just get into someone’s knickers, you bloody poof.’
‘After all,’ says Evans. ‘at least you have a choice. Not like Tony, who’s an ugly ****.’
‘Yes, I think you’ve said that before.’
‘Still, I guess maybe if he builds up his chest….’ He addresses Tony: ‘I can get you some of that whey protein powder if you like.’
‘Yeah, sure. I want a 55” chest ideally. Then I can stop doing all this horrible work at the gym. I hate it, real hassle it is.’
‘Alcohol helps as well.’ says Jason. ‘Some guys get well big chests, just from drinking.’
‘I think you may be referring to gynecomastia’ I say.
‘Seems like some sort of STD’ says Tony. ’Shit, I’d better get myself checked.’
‘Except you don’t really need to do that, Tony, because you’re an ugly ***.’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I think you’ve said that before.’
Evans ignores me. He changes the subject: ‘So did you see the wrestling on Sky?’
‘Yeah’ says Jason. ‘Triple H won again, didn’t he?’
‘That’s right. Isn’t it unjust? I wanted Batista to win.’
‘He is one hard motherfucker. If only I could be like that, all my problems would be solved.’
‘Oh, I know, I know. But, yeah, it’s annoying. I bet Triple H cheated. What do you think, Holmes?’
‘I didn’t watch it. Besides, how can anyone cheat when that stuff isn’t for real?’
Evans and Jason look astounded.
‘To be honest,’ says Jason ‘I know he’s a bit…’ he taps his head, ‘but that does actually vaguely make sense.’
‘Ahem’ Evans coughs ‘Anyway, Man U did well as well.’
‘3-0’ sings Tony ‘3-0, 3-0, 3-0’.
‘3-0’ sings Jason ‘3-0, 3-0, 3-0’
‘3-0’ sings Evans ‘3-0, 3-0. 3-0’.
They all hug each other at this point, before stopping.
‘That was out of order’ says Jason ‘I’m not a faggot or anything like that. Err…. Hi ladies.’ He stares at a group of girls opposite us, putting his hand to his crotch.
‘Holmes probably is’ says Evans ‘in fact I want to give him a donkey punch sometimes.’ He clenches his fist and makes a punching movement.’
Keira suddenly starts to cry. There is a strange look in her eyes: I can sense from this that the phrase Evans mentioned means something to her.
‘Oi! Holmes!’ exclaims Jason. He taps me on the shoulder. ‘You support Man U?’
‘No.’
‘There! I knew he was bent!’
‘What kind of underwear do you wear Holmes?’ asks Tony. ‘A thong?’
‘He probably doesn’t understand what that means!’ laughs Evans.
I turn my attention to Keira. ‘What’s up with her?’
‘Ah, Keira, sweetheart’ Evans says, in a caring way, stroking the front of her hair. ‘what’s up?’
‘I don’t like when you said donkey punch.’
‘Donkey punch!’ exclaim Jason and Tony. ‘DONKEY PUNCH!’ They start making mock punches with their fists. A few are directed at me.
‘Ah yes, of course.’ Says Evans. ‘Yes, darling. I know it’s nasty of me. But I just can’t help myself, I feel rough sometimes, and I come in drunk…’
‘It was cool of you to come out with the lads, Keira.’ Says Tony, giving her the thumbs up.
‘But…’
‘You mean to say…. You abuse her?’ I ask Evans.
‘Ummm…. Well, no. Well, I suppose it’s abuse in a way. But I don’t mean it, I’m a feminist and I believe in treating women with respect at all times.’
‘You have to when you want them to blow you.’ Laughs Tony.
At this point, Evans lunges at Tony and gets a blow in. Tony falls over, his seat going with him to the ground.
‘Are you alright?’ asks Jason, leaning over Tony.
‘You didn’t have to do that.’ Asks Keira. ‘Anyway, I thought that you were a pacifist?’
‘Well, um…’ replies Evans, ‘well, yes, according to certain standards, I suppose it is violence. But, it has to be done, doesn’t it?’
‘No,’ says Keira ‘you could stick to your principles.’
Tony gets up and stares at Evans, menacingly. Jason holds onto Tony’s arms, to prevent him from punching Evans, and whispers in his ear. I can’t make out the words.
‘Shut up, you fucking bitch!’ Evans exclaims, while slapping Keira round the face.
Everyone at the table looks appalled at this. Keira prepares to get up and leave, but Evans pulls her down by gripping hold of her legs. She gives up and takes her seat once again.
Jason and Tony have completely forgotten what’s happened, and are now joking and laughing.
I decide that I no longer bear to stay here.
“How can I put it politely?’”
“How exactly can I put it politely?”
“How…”
After much deliberation I make my announcement:
‘I’m going.’
Evans mutters something. ‘Ok, bye’ he says.
‘You’re not off, are you?’ asks Tony.
‘He’s got his reasons I guess.’ Jason shrugs his shoulders.
I proceed to the door, overwhelmed with shock, angst, resentment, and ultimately…. Boredom. Every step feels like another step on the moon back in 1969, as reaching the door suddenly seems like a giant leap to the other side. Before I know it, I’m there; I open it, and breathe a sigh of relief as I make my way through….
I am now outside. The shock, angst, and resentment is still there but the boredom is gone…
As I make my way back to my home, I become empty inside. It seems almost like I’m beating the path to oblivion. The rain hammers down but I don’t sense a thing.
“It’s quiet, but it’s peaceful. If only for the moment.”
And, suddenly, deep within my psyche, I sense that a war is taking place….