A short introduction to my first story ever posted on here. More to follow, obviously. Thanks for reading, and please leave comments!
"Eikasia" was a term used by Plato to describe the lowest form of human perception. It cannot determine whether a perceived thing is real, or insubstantial...such as a dream, a reflection, or a memory.
Introduction: In which the stage is set...
On Sundays, Blake Haralson attended the only church service left in the
city. He was the only one who showed up anymore, but he didn't mind.
He never felt alone there, somehow. If it wasn't Suryan, faithful
companion, it was the staring eyes of weary statues that had somehow
found their way inside. He went partly out of habit, partly to plead
with the Powers That Be for mercy, forgiveness, grace, restoration, or
some other similar favor that could restore his world to the way it
once was. In response, people kept dying.
First it was Samantha Pilsin, and then her two kids a day later.
They started coughing, then broke out into boils and secluded
themselves in their apartment and were never found again. Their Then
8-year-old Jeremy had wandered out of a safe house into the impact site
and disappeared. Old Bob Kale went out looking for him, out of some
misplaced paternal instinct, and Blake could hardly think on the
horrible results of that. He just went and prayed weekly, because he
was sure that somewhere out there, beyond the wreckage that was left of
life on Earth, Someone could fix things.
His church's sanctuary was a little cloister of slagged concrete in
the musty shadows of two skyscrapers that had collapsed against one
another like exhausted lovers in entropy's embrace. Vegetation had
reclaimed the area, spilling out of Central Park in eddies that didn't
conform to the old street patterns, peeking out of the eyeless windows
and bearing down their structures with the weight of life. Vines
wrapped leaning streetlights. No matter where you went in the city, it
seemed you couldn't escape greenery of some kind. It was often
overcast, but when clear sky showed through, Blake could see the
pinpricks of ion trails in orbit. He didn't know whose craft they
belonged to anymore, but sometimes, in the solitary vigils of the night
when he found himself involuntarily praying in the upper stories of the
skyscraper they called a safe house, he directed his gaze up to their
artificial constellations, wondering if those mysterious armies might
answer somehow. For a long, long time, they didn't.
Then - on the very same day that the strange denizens of the impact
site first made their bid for control of ruined Earth - one of those
stars deemed it right to descend, and Blake was suddenly no longer
alone... |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3557 comments posted) 30th September 2008 | This isn't a genre I feel easy with but it certainly raised a lot of questions that I would like to know the answer to.
The post-apocalyptic scenario is a well trodden path but if you can avoid the clichéd situations that usually get thrown up it should be a gripping read. As an introduction it worked well in provoking curiosity
cheers
jane | Mmmm
Written by zee666 (51 comments posted) 30th September 2008 | interesting premise as i haven't read many post-apocalyptic works but, as Bottleblondesurfer said, it is a well trodden path.
it was written well, if a bit short and i like the title, looking forward to future works. |
Written by stevetroster (1599 comments posted) 30th September 2008 | Maverick, yes, as with sword & sorcery, vampires etcetera, post apocalyptic paths are well-trodden. Yet show me a path that isn’t.
I know not what there is about the title to get excited over - after all, it is but one word - yet there are flashes of interest within the piece.
I quite enjoyed the passage: Two skyscrapers that had collapsed against one another like exhausted lovers in entropy's embrace. Although there is certain amount of ambiguity as to whether the skyscrapers themselves are embracing in entropy or being embraced by entropy. My feeling is that you suggest they are embraced by entropy, whilst my preference would be the image of them embracing.
“Like exhausted lovers, two skyscrapers had collapsed against one another in one final entropic embrace.”
In the opening passage you suggest that Haralson was the only one who attended the church but then mention that he never felt alone due to his faithful companion Suryan finding his way inside. Confusing!
Paragraph one talks of the church, paragraph two about the death of several individuals, and then paragraph three returns to the church before discussing vegetation. I feel that the piece would be far less fractured if you incorporated the church section from paragraph three into paragraph one.
On Sundays, Blake Haralson attended the only church service in the city. He was the only one who showed up anymore, but he didn't mind. His church's sanctuary was a little cloister of slagged concrete in the musty shadows of two skyscrapers that had collapsed against one another like exhausted lovers in entropy's embrace. He never felt alone there, somehow.
I could go on all night but I’ll stop there. You have produced an interesting beginning to your story (albeit slightly fragmented) and I will follow its development with interest.
I hope that my short review will help you in some small way.
All the best,
Steve. |
Written by MaverickKnight (1 comments posted) 30th September 2008 | Thanks for the feedback. With regards to the originality of the premise: why yes, I did write this in one sitting after seeing I Am Legend, thank you for asking. But don't worry: I hope to borrow nothing more than the general mood, and only for this particular section. Very shortly it will veer off.
With regards to the title: I needed something succinct that would have deeper meaning later on.
With regards to the writing style, well...I'm a fan of Gene Wolfe and M. John Harrison, so that should give you an idea of what to expect. Namely:  |
Written by joben (24 comments posted) 7th October 2008 | This is my first review on this forum;
I'll detail the areas that jarred a little and then go on to the positives.
Hmmm...these jarred a wee bit;
"skyscrapers that had collapsed against one another like exhausted lovers in entropy's embrace."
That took me out of the story and made me reread it. Some readers might have to look up the word "entropy".
Sometimes words intrude and detract; "entropy" did for me.
I also found it difficult to visualise the scene; two skyscraper's collapsed against each other?...........wouldn't they just disappear in a heap of rubble?
The sentence beginning, "It was often overcast........." might be better as a new paragragh as you find yourself looking skywards after all the greenery of the previous section; a change of tempo.
The positives;
Your writing immediately painted the picture for me; it hooked me and then flowed. Take a sentence I quote below.
"They started coughing, then broke out into boils and secluded themselves in their apartment and were never found again."
For me, that painted quite a lengthy image; a sequence of events. All in one sentence. It was informative and put me in the picture very neatly as to how the disease developed. I don't pretend to be an expert at all; but that seemed to show an ability for clear, concise story telling.
The last sentence nicely tweeked the curiosity too.
I thought the whole piece good. |
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