|
Ashamed
I had a mum, I loved my mum,
she had the way of mothers,
but she went on, as people do,
the same road as all others.
I had a friend, I loved my friend,
he had the way of friendship,
but he went on, as people do,
we simply had to end it.
I had a girl, I loved my girl,
she had the way of autumn,
but she went on, as people do,
it wasn't that important.
I had a wife, I loved my wife,
she had the way of nagging,
and she went on, as partners do -
I feel this poem sagging.
I have a dream, I love my dream,
it has the way of dreaming,
for it goes on, and on and on,
but leaves me faintly feeling
ashamed.
|
Written by Fledermaus (3506 comments posted) 1st October 2008 | | Ashamed of what exactly? It's an interesting poem, but a bit hard to comment on if I don't get the clue. | Thanks Maus!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 1st October 2008 | Yes - it's too obscure.
I suppose I mean that I'm ashamed of not giving what I should have to these people before they disappeared, and also that I'm ashamed of my own mawkish writing.
Cheers!
John |
Written by Phil (6997 comments posted) 2nd October 2008 | Nothing to be ashamed of, John. Perhaps not your best - but it's out here. Always a good sign. I'm still struggling to string sentences together at the mo.
As a reaction to the theme rather than the writing - is it not the way of life that people change, move on, draw apart, draw together?
There's something about the rhythm of this that unsettled me. It did remind me of Pam Eyers - and I'm not sure that suited the content at all. (Not meant offensively BTW!)
Phil |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 2nd October 2008 | I liked this, and I think I got the point in that repeated line:
but she went on, as people do,
which gave me the impression that you were reflecting on the failure to make relationships last and why it keeps happening to you. Some very clever half-rhymes as well: autumn / important, friendship / end it.
It reminded me of my mother. Her friends were often "exed" for no apparent reason.
| Four out of five
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 2nd October 2008 | of the stanzas are good reading -- but I fear that stanza four did indeed sag badly -- as its last line said .
But the rest I enjoyed a lot .
And btw -- many mothers indeed fit V's comment -- mine did .
patterjack | Yes , Veronica . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th October 2008 | . . . you've got my point entirely!
Thank you so much for this review - I fear that others missed my poor intent (understandably, though!).
Beers!
John X | Yes, Brian!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th October 2008 | The fourth stanza does 'sag badly'.
I ran out of rhymes and tried to turn it into a comment on my own writing . . .
Pretentious - Moi?
Oh, well, onwards and downwards, eh?
Thank you for your ever-perceptive honesty!
Cheers!
John | Brian . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th October 2008 | How about.
'I had a wife, I loved my wife,
she had a way of knowing,
but she went on, as others do -
I feel this poem going . . . '
Beers!
John X |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
