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As godless as I am,
and faithless as the man whose grave
is unmarked, ignored, save
by the rain, should this knave not hold
autumn in all its gold?
Not fashioned from the mould of Cain
yet marked, cast out the same,
should my senses disclaim their proof
of beauty being a truth
within this world uncouth and stale;
the wind raping the vale,
the biting kiss of hail, the cloud
over the sea (a shroud
of grey) tired surf that's ploughed the sand?
Each grain, I read, was planned,
I see no master's hand or cast;
content that, when I've passed,
where I lived my brief time shall last.
Godless, what faith is mine?
The glory of the malt and vine!
Aesthetics I can't fault,
nor for it shall I halt the dram. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 4th October 2008 | I liked the sentiment of this as well as the tricky internal rhymes - a sophisticated read.
Why marked? Why cast out? | Straight and Narrow?
Written by sutpau (18 comments posted) 4th October 2008 | I like a poem that stimulates thought and feeling and yours manages to do both. However, I found it meandered a bit from its main theme and this challeneged this reader to not lose sight of the direction. I think I would have preferred a straighter and narrower course. But it has many pleasing attributes too.
Cheers | My Goodness!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 4th October 2008 | This is superb, Brett!
I thought at first it was a 'Luc Bat' , but now it looks more csomplicated even than that. . . .
But, after all, never mind the form - I retire, pondering your excellent content, to bed, to sleep, perchance to dream . . .
Phwoooooarh!
Phat!!
Cheers and respect . . . .
Tolstoy X |
Written by Phil (6997 comments posted) 4th October 2008 | Actually - I liked the the fact it rambled (not rambled on, rather meandered around a little) - it suited the thoughts behind the words. Reflective thought processes are rarely straight or narrow.
Like this very much.
There's a very harsh (or hard) beauty here - not the soft, fluffy stuff of Wordsworth!
Interesting and effective rhyming.
Phil | A triumph!
Written by grace (173 comments posted) 5th October 2008 | I don't know why Brett but this gave me a feeling of loneliness and disappointment. I'm sure that's not what you intended but I felt almost that the 'malt and vine,' were valuable as compensation as well as enjoyment. I don't intend this as a religious comment but more a sense of being generally underwhelmed by life.
The poem itself is one of the best I've read in a long time, a triumph in every sense and one I shall read many more times yet,
wonderful. . .thank you,
Pamx  |
Written by Toad (107 comments posted) 5th October 2008 | | this poem does a great job of expressing that "beauty is a truth" and that the natural world is godly in itself. That's how I read it, anyway, and I love the content here. | Cheers and many thanks to
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 6th October 2008 | V - 'marked', 'cast out'? Written to a younger self - back when I really drank!
sutpau - thanks, sorry if you felt it 'meandered.' It would be helpful criticism if you could tell me where (if it is the darker descriptions of the elements, I thought those imperative).
Tolstoy - Too kind, and, yes, it is a Luc Bat.
Phil - I love you! As much as there is to admire in Wordsworth I have never been one for the 'soft' and 'fluffy' so thanks for that. Reminds me of a line in Wodehouse's Full Moon (I think) regarding a man who had been, reluctantly, on the wagon for so long and upon spying a bottle of scotch (I'm paraphrasing here) Wodehouse describes his expression akin to that you would expect to see on Wordsworth's face beholding a field of daffodils.
Pam - Very kind words (too kind) but very astute, too. Much appreciated.
Toad - (what a username - presuming that it is a username) Thanks for perceptive comment. Appreciated.
Cheers | Godless
Written by penstroke (20 comments posted) 27th October 2008 | Brett
Nothing technical to add just that I really liked this work, a bit like humour i suppose, if it makes you laugh don't pull it to pieces.
A question, have you ever spoken to Bill W or his friends ? | Thanks penstroke
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 27th October 2008 | Bill W?
You are certainly right regarding humour - look what happened to Tony Hancock when he got over analytical!
Thanks for your comment.
Cheers |
Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 30th October 2008 | Nice. Self-contained is the phrase that springs to mind (although I'm not sure I could tell you why). Liked the rhyming couplet feel.
Elli |
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 30th October 2008 | Thank you, Elli.
I think 'self-contained' sounds right. The luc bat is an interesting form to try, I just hope that this reads well enough so that the subject matter is not bogged down by the form.
Appreciate your comment.
Cheers | Yes
Written by ellipinnock (1795 comments posted) 30th October 2008 | | I think you handled the form lightly enough. trying to bend your mind around the many (odd) poetical forms out there is kind of brain tumour inducing after a while I reckon. Very easy to fall over your feet and end up covered in custard pie! |
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