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To be (Renewed and reviewed)

By sarahh

06 October 2008

It's why we are all united.
It's how we all have identical smiles,
and cry the same tears.
It's the sounds you can hear when you hear no others.
and that song that plays in your head over and over.
It's also the feeling in your stomach when you know
your doing something wrong.
The way your heart beats when some special is close by.
And you feel when you have been betrayed,
seemingly only revenge will be the way out.
It's the way your jealous eyes gaze,
and the uncontrollable words spill out of you lips.
The little mistakes that we learn and risks we take.
Our empathy when a stranger touches our souls.
The way we dream when we touch.
The secrets that no one knows about.
And the lies that will catch up.
The way our subconcious reaches out to our thoughts.
Its the way we live and think.
It's way we're human.

Reviews

I like . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 5th October 2008

. . . your first line very much.

It anticipates a rhythm, which, unfortunately, doesn't follow.

I like the piece overall, the way it 'reduces' to your last line, 'It's why we're human.'

And your point? Yes, love it!

I just feel that you need to adjust the rest of it to make it more rhythmical.

Cheers!

John X

Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 6th October 2008

Agree with John.

That opening line sets a rhythm which the poem just does not follow - form aside, I admire the content, but think it could have been expressed stronger.
Cheers

The line . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th October 2008

'and the uncontrollable word spills out of your lips'

is fantastic.

I keep coming back to your poem, Sarah, so for me it's a good one.

I would love to see it again, dressed in more rhythmical form.

BTW, that's a compliment!

Respect!

John X

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