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Written by fellpony
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06 October 2008 |
He winks, defying
illness and drug-bloated jowls;
the lean face of youth
remembered behind his smile
stares down Death's skeletal grin.
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Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 6th October 2008 | Very powerful, Sue.
Dark and stark, and all three faces peer through so few lines. Very effective. Liked 'Death's skeletal grin.'
Cheers | Impressed!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th October 2008 | Agree with Brett above, but who is 'he'?
Or is 'he' a universal 'we'?
Pondering in admiration . . .
John X | Forgive . . .
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th October 2008 | . . . my ignorance, please, Sue!
But is this a kind of extended 'Senryu'?
It seems to read rhythmically as,
5, 7, 5, 7, 5
with the word 'skeletal' wonderfully crunched into one syllable?
Maybe I'm mad?
Beers!
John X
| Forget the above!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th October 2008 | No way can 'skeletal' be one syllabub!
So, 5, 7, 5, 7, 7. ?
Hmmmm.
Sorry to be so anally attentive . . .
Beers again!
By the way - love your poem!
John X | 57577
Written by fellpony (1749 comments posted) 7th October 2008 | This 31 syllable pattern is a tanka, John, the traditional response to a haiku.
"He" is my brother-in-law who is undergoing treatment for pancreatic cancer. | Grim lines ...
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 7th October 2008 | ... for a grim subject
Not at all a pleasant fate. and I wish that the courage of the wink could have been the climax of the work
patterjack |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 7th October 2008 | This piece really spoke to me. I think you expressed the feeling so well. I know just what you mean about the face of youth remembered behind the smile. And whether it is illness or old age you need to look beyond that to see the real person, and it is only something you can do with love. A very honest and sensitive piece
jane |
Written by Phil (6997 comments posted) 7th October 2008 | Powerful piece - lines three and four especially so. Interesting end - one of two meanings. As Brian says - grim - but in a few lines there is something of both you and him there. Not easy.
All the best.
Phil |
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