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| Jessica's Descent | |
| By Nick | ||||||||||||||||||
| 07 October 2008 | ||||||||||||||||||
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This came from one of the dark parts of my mind. As always, comments and crits appreciated. I'm peering over the edge, at the people below. They're small and insignificant, pointless beings, blind to the misery of their own lives. I pull back and look at the only thing keeping me from going over. It's the safety rail on the roof of the building but I'm holding on with nothing more than a passing interest, it's rotting and unstable. Traits we both share. I look back down, but the wind's whipping my hair into my eyes, distorting the view. I try shaking my head to clear my vision, but only succeed in making myself dizzy. I concentrate on my feet, they're bare against the concrete and freezing but it's a cold comfort. The repetitive thoughts of my cold feet are enough to stop the spinning and my mind drifts to thoughts of falling. I can't help wondering where exactly I'm going to land. I might just aim for that fucking preacher. The one that stands around telling everyone who passes that their going to Hell. There's no specific reason for having this black dog on my shoulder, but depression is something that only the depressed really know about. I'm not talking about a day or two of feeling low and worthless, I'm talking about weeks, months on end with nothing but blackness invading your soul. It eats at you, nothing seems to satiate its hunger. You're crushed by deep feelings of insecurity and pointlessness. The hardest part is trying to cope with life when you've lost all hope. To live without it indefinitely is not only impossible, It's absurd. Every morning, when other people get up, they have hope. Hope that today will bring something better but when your down, your mind is mired in bleak and empty thoughts. There is no escape, no one can help you and you really believe that no one cares. Try living like this for a week and then you can judge me. I've been going on like this for years now and I'm tired of fighting it. Nothing matters to me anymore and the people I love will never be able to understand what I've gone through. I just hope they'll realise this is for the best, that I'll be happy now. They've tried to help, they've seen the signs but their unsure words are no comfort, just more and more junk noise for my mind to reject. I let go of the safety rail, take one step to the very edge and curl my toes around the ledge. Memories of diving boards and nearly drowning in the school pool come to mind. My happy childhood floods through my mind, before the days of darkness, before something changed. Was this always my destiny? The only thing keeping me from pitching forward to oblivion is my own sense of balance. I've never been so aware of my own body as I am right now. Every muscle and fibre is working towards the same end, I could stay balanced here for an eternity. I'm not scared. I just want to saviour this moment, the joy of knowing my misery is coming to an end. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be happy. The sky is grey and the wind is getting stronger. If I wait around long enough, I might see the rain. One thing I can say for certain is that I'm standing here tall and proud, ready to die and I've never felt so sure of anything in my life. With a big smile on my face, I extend my arms high and wide, like wings. I look down at the people going about their business and briefly wonder if they will be affected by watching a young woman plunging to her death. The small part of my ego that's left hopes that some of them will genuinely be upset, maybe even traumatised. I'm not sure why I feel like this, but I don't suppose it really matters. I start to lean forward, ready to lunge over the edge and begin my free fall to the next life, but from nowhere I hear someone call my name. Behind me a policeman is on the roof and slowly moving towards me, I look down and see my mother and father in front of a slowly gathering crowd. My mum is pointing up and screaming something I can't hear, but my dad is not moving, just staring at the ground – he knows it's too late. I look over my shoulder again, flash a quick grin at the policeman and turn back to stare at the darkening sky. I take a deep breath, clear my mind of my misery and jump. My name is Jessica and this is my descent...
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