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By retepselyb
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08 October 2008 |
the train was late, why? why? why? of all these dates did it have to be late. she'd written all the neccessary stuff, paid the bills, even returned that crap library book she,d taken out to be popular. none of it had worked because now the [can't say that word here] train was late,s**t it might even have been cancelled. god would she look a twat then. she,d banked her entire life on this being right and the train turning up on time.
suddenly she was startled by the noise of a high speed train tearing down the track opposite. she felt sick,after all it didnt matter which train did it?,...... she ran towards the platform edge and jumped.... nothing, she,d been wrong after all.
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Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 8th October 2008 | | Again, this belongs in "shorts" IMHO | Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 8th October 2008 | Agreed. Certainly not poetry, and it needs a polish regards punctuation. Cheers | Oh dear! Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 8th October 2008 | I get the point, but if you want bto make it tragic, pathetic or whatever, I think you neeed to do more. At the moment it reads like a cruel joke, e.g. "Why did the platform jumper wake up the next morning?" "Because the train was late!" Not the sort of sick joke that I am fond of, but I think it's all you have at the moment. If you make a story from it with real people etc and post it under 'shorts' you may have something. All the best, John |
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