NARRATOR: It was the best of times.
NEWS HEADLINES: ‘Government promises end to credit crunch. For fifth successive year.’
NARRATOR: It was the worst of times.
NEWS HEADLINES: ‘Sri Lanka launches charity to provide relief for suffering Britons: TEA-AID. Scandal surrounds Government rationing of essential foods, as Minister for Baked Beans self-combusts in lewd romp with naked flame.’
NARRATOR: It was an age of wisdom.
NEWS HEADLINES: ‘Education system disintegrates. Body of Lynne Truss found impaled on large, solid steel apostrophe, hanging from gates of Eton. Wins Turner Prize.’(‘’’’’’)
NARRATOR: It was an age of foolishness.
NEWS HEADLINES: ‘Sensational TV documentary reveals UK is rife with corruption, arrogance and greed. Piers Morgan interviews Cherie Blair on the concept of “free speech” after dinner. BBC licence fee rockets.’
NARRATOR: For many, however, poverty is forcing this once great nation to take reckless measures. Amidst the smouldering wastelands, regionalism is becoming increasingly accentuated, with each area desperate to protect the remains of its local economy and culture, at the expense of the others.
Meanwhile, at the headquarters of the Independence for Tyneside Revolutionary Guerrilla Movement….
[St. James’ Park stadium, Newcastle. The chairman (in traditional Geordie sub-zero, midwinter string vest) looks through the open window of his office. It’s snowing tea-bags outside, courtesy of the Sri Lankan Air Force. Several rough-looking guerrillas enter with swag bags, dragging two men, bound by the wrists, wearing black and white-striped hoods.]
CHAIRMAN: Where’ve yez bin, man? Be quicka ta send a pensioner from Jarroow.
1ST GUERRILLA: On a raid, aye, rapin’ and pillagin’, like yez toold us boss. Way doon sooth. Yakshire. [He empties one of the sacks on to the desk. A few items of food fall out, including a sombrero-shaped poppadom. The Chairman picks it up.]
CHAIRMAN: What yez call that?
1ST GUERRILLA: Aye, the Spanish ‘ave tekken oova Bradford. Yez should see tha flamingoo nights doon the wheel-tapas and juntas sooshal club in Bingley.
CHAIRMAN: Where’s ma poodins, man? Three Soondays in a roo wi’ only roast beef an’ potatoes. Ah canna tekk it any more. Yez expectin’ me ta dip a vindaloo sombrero in ma Newkie Broon? [flings poppadom out the window, and decapitates a passing magpie.]
2ND GUERRILLA: Lost nine of oor men at the poodin' factory, boss – thez not lettin’ gooah any loocal batter-based cuisine withoot a fight. We did tekk a coople o’ prisoners, mind.
CHAIRMAN [Optimistic]: Ooh aye?
2ND GUERRILLA: Found this one lost in a field, lookin’ furra laptop.
[They remove one man’s hood to reveal a gagged Alistair Darling. His white hair has gone adventurously Boris Johnson. The black eyebrows have turned into highly animated furry caterpillars.]
CHAIRMAN: Are yez thinkin’ what ahm thinkin’?
1ST GUERRILLA: Bin five yarrs since we ‘ad a manager.
CHAIRMAN: Nah, man. If that ‘air’s natural, Toon Army will worship ‘im, as a mascot. A deity. Could bring us luck. [Turns to Darling, points at hair and eyebrows and shouts as if trying to make a foreigner understand] Is it all yaroon??!!
[Darling looks confused, one of the caterpillars arches its body acrobatically. They get an interpreter, an old Japanese POW, captured during the strike on Nissan. But Darling bears an uncanny resemblance to an evil Shinto spirit, and the interpreter has a stroke.]
CHAIRMAN [contd.] [pointing to his head]: Ya heer, man, is it the same all over ya body, ya soft soothan poofta?
2ND GUERRILLA: Aye, wiv checked. [points alternately to each armpit] This wann’s white, and this wann’s black, an’ doon ’ere… [the groin area] … what canna say? [embarrassed] yevva sin a badger suckin’ a chipolata?…
[Darling is struggling vigorously. The chairman addresses him.]
CHAIRMAN: Yav another option, mind, son.
[Synchronised caterpillar arching. (The caterpillars seem to have a more efficient grasp of the lingo)]
CHAIRMAN [contd.]: We could send yez naked ta Soondalund, and yad coom back in a body bag. Or just a boon at a time.
[Epileptic caterpillar dance]
CHAIRMAN [contd.]: Anyway, what’s ya name, son?
1ST GUERRILLA: Sez it’s Alistair.
CHAIRMAN: What canna jessieboy name’s that? We’ll ‘ave ta give ya summat a little more flambooyant, with a bitta street-cred….. Like Kevin.
[The guerrillas all bow to the portrait of Keegan on the wall, and mumble something religious. The other prisoner appears to laugh.]
CHAIRMAN [contd.]: Did I say summat t’amuse yez, lad? My late wife called ‘erself Kevin. Eventually. [It was a recommendation from a Geordie impotence counsellor] Took a bitta persuadin’ with the plastic surgery, mind. [Looks at the other prisoner and gestures to one of the guerrillas.] So, ‘ooz this, then? [The removal of the hood reveals Geoffrey Boycott. Huge smile on chairman’s face.] Whey-aye, y’ave doon yasselves proud lads. A croon jewel… Worth a fortune is this one… [Free sombrero poppadoms all round] [Picks up phone and dials] Now, ‘ow many poodins ya reckon thaz Yakshire boogers’d exchange for a former wife-beatin’ oopenin’ batsman?
|
coosh!
Written by fellpony (1749 comments posted) 10th October 2008 |
Can't believe nobody's reviewed this yet. I read it this afternoon at work and had to cough to cover the laughs especially the "badger sucking a chipolata" - a persistent image that made me giggle all the way home. There was some great stuff in here.
I may be missing something (I have been told before) but I confess I didn't really get the closing gag. As Phil always says, "could be me." |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 11th October 2008 |
As often happens, it seems perfectly reasonable when you write it, and then you realise there’s a glaring fundamental flaw to the whole thing (which I think you’ve spotted, fellpony)!!
Many thanks for your comments. They’re much appreciated.
Apart from the fact that there are way too many ideas flying around, it makes certain ridiculous assumptions. Namely that Yorkshire pudding is now uniquely found in Yorkshire (as if it were some plant on the moors or a mineral deposit), and that Boycott is so highly prized there, they’d pay any ransom for him if he were kidnapped. I considered something more “unique”, like Melton Mowbray, but overall it’s probably a lost cause!! Once again, many thanks. |
Written by Livinginanattic (473 comments posted) 11th October 2008 |
Really enjoyed this - the Geordie accents came across very well and you've put in some great gags. The magpie incident was surreal and very funny, also the missing laptop and the wife named Kevin.
I had no problem with your 'ridiculous' assumptions since this is comedy, and they made it all the funnier which is what matters. You can never have too many ideas but if you're looking for a bit more focus, perhaps you could continue with the Charles Dickens quote which I thought worked very well in the introduction.
From your response to Sue's comments it does sound as if you're a bit down on this piece, but it's well up to your usual standard - you probably just got a bit too close to it. Great stuff!
Ben
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 11th October 2008 |
So glad this has made another appearance. I've bee reading it a few times and thanks for that. I don't know if I told you but I think this is well up to standard
As our attic dwelling friend said the thing that matters is the comedy; anything is forgiven if it is funny and this was.
There were some wonderful moments in this, the missing laptop,the Boycott stuff,Flamingo nights at the Wheeltappers....
sorry I meant "flamingoo nights doon the wheel-tapas and junta"
The Geordie accent was an absolute joy, some accents are naturally funny and this was done to a turn. I particularly admire the way the surreal comments are grounded in humour.A lot of surreal comics think it is enough just to be surreal and weird [Mighty Boosh] without giving us the gags but you always make sure it is built round a gag.
The only ridiculous assumption that stood out here was the idea that an airhead presenter would have the wit to quote Dickens
Don't fret, pet it were reet foony
jane |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 13th October 2008 |
Computer's been down awhile, so using the Rasta Cafe - vapours are quite intoxicating - Health & Safety, my arse!
You make some good points, Ben. Maybe too close, it's difficult to see stuff objectively sometimes. Assuming you are native to your posted location, I guess you get the occasional visit from the black and white minstrels over the other side - nice to know the accent works (twenty minutes watching Aufwiedersehen on youtube, and I still reckon they need subtitles!) Thanks for the encouraging comments.
Yes, it is a good comedy accent, Jane, and can become strangely addictive once it gets inside your head. The Dickens bit was triggered by those who maintain you should pay utmost attention to your opening sentence - alternatively, just nick a good one. Thanks, as always, for your response. |
Written by Phil (6997 comments posted) 13th October 2008 |
His wife - Kevin - and the operation - top class.
Geordies - bless 'em. They already have a Yorkshireman as messiah. Kev was born in Doncaster. As a satellite state of the Yorkshire Republic, I'm sure we'd export a few puds up to he North East. Perhaps even imprint the face of Kev himself in a few - just for laughs.
Thoroughly enjoyed this. I'm crap at accents and this was written so well I could hear the accent very clearly as I read. As mentioned - a great comedy accent. Probably because whatever is said it sounds like b*ll*cks.
Wide ranging gags - worked very well - and definitely funny.
Phil |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 14th October 2008 |
Strangely enough, his first name is Joseph (after his dad), but here endeth the holy similarity. As the great man himself once said "My father was a miner, so he worked down a mine". Along with the immortal "Sometimes cramp is worse than a broken leg".
Many thanks for your comments and enthusiasm, Phil. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 14th October 2008 |
I particularly enjoyed the "wheel-tapas and juntas" line. How your mind works!
bravo amigo! |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 14th October 2008 |
Muchísimas gracias, Veronica.
Abóndigas a la luz de la luna
Nos traen suerte y fortuna
Sompopos ensnifando la coca
Nos traen la vida loca.
Ricky Martín, filósofo, Tossa (del mar) 1992 |
Must review. Must review.
Written by wltshr (352 comments posted) 15th October 2008 |
Sorry Coosh.
I read stuff. Thoroughly enjoy it. Thought I'd left a review. But, bugger me, I didn't.
Much great stuff in here to enjoy. Most of my faves have been listed already, Darling's nether regions, Wheetapas and Juntas. Simply genius.
Well crafted accent which came across perfectly on the page.
Your particular style of the ridiculous is always a joy to read.
Best
Wltshr |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 15th October 2008 |
| Much appreciated, moonraker. Darling will reveal all on page 3 of the next issue of the Economist. Thanks for taking the time to comment. |
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 17th October 2008 |
|
Geordies
Written by patterjack (1435 comments posted) 17th October 2008 |
Laughing so much I hit the wrong key .
I lived next to one ( for sixteen or so years continuously ) then intermittently for a couple of years total.
And he was married to an Irishwoman -- what miscegenation !
But they were great people--when I could understand the language !
Great piece of nostalgia for me-- loved it !!!!
patterjack
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Written by Lizzy (838 comments posted) 18th October 2008 |
Don't usually read the comedy (don't know why!) glad I did. Really enjoyed this and the accent was wonderful, got it in my head now and can't seem to shake it.
The caterpillars, string vest sombrero poppadum, great, too many more to mention.
Lizzy |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 18th October 2008 |
After 10 pints of Guinness, I could understand every word they said, Brian. Just never remembered any of it the following morning. Glad it brought back a few good memories.
Was going to say that you should visit more often, Lizzy, but it seems to have fairly quiet round here of late. Many thanks for your comments. Hope to see you posting again soon. |
HI David
Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 19th October 2008 |
I don't know how I missed this. Maybe it was when I saw the huge number of hits, I assumed it was old work, but your work does command an enormous audience.
I liked the bits about Darling best. Philip's boss has similar hair and eyebrows - and I certainly wonder if he touches the eyebrows up to keep the starting look it creates. But I have never, until now, speculated about whether he has a badger below.
Having family next door to Bingley, I enjoyed reading those bits too. |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 19th October 2008 |
| Perhaps Philip could persuade his boss to engage in a quick game of miniten or naked squash in order to answer your question. Many thanks for the feedeback, Jean. |
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