Today, I am going to kill somebody.

In the night, I wake up

Hungry for it

And steal through the

Shadows of the bedroom

To the door.

Stealthy. I am like a ninja

Dancing in the dark,

Reaching the stairwell and

Sliding down the banister.

It's quiet. I must check

There is no-one here to see me.

Then, movement. I spin around

And see glowing eyes and my assailant

Launches itself at me,

Arches it back and screams like the fearsome beast it is

As tall as the ceiling and almost as fearsome

It is known to be pretty lethal

When it's not asleep.

Before it reaches me I take the gun off the table

Hold it in my hands, feel the power

I now contain.

It stops when it sees me but

It is too late.

I have released the trigger and

A torrent of water comes

Flooding out,

Blinds the creature and it runs away,

Mewling like a kitten.

Success. I have warned off an attacker,

The first of the night and not the last.

I make my way through

The maze of rooms.

I have walked this path many times

In the night. Always as careful,

Never faltering, never looking back.

I hear a growl and jump into the air,

Karate kick like

Jackie Chan.

But it's just my stomach,

And as I reach the location of my victim

I remember what my psychiatrist said

When she took me to football practise yesterday.

"We'll have to cure these munchies. You're

Eating us out of house and home."

But I won't be cured:

A true killer does not

Accept help from anybody.

I open the door and I am fast

Like lightning

Hand darts in and pulls out

The cereal box.

I take out a handful and

Just look at those defenceless little things-

Confined to the inside of a cardboard box

For all eternity. So really I am

Doing them a favour.

I shove a few

Into my mouth.

Those tasty little O's.