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Poetry
The female experience
By rushwilde
21 October 2008
I'm actually not a creative writer, I seem to not be able to really get a grasp on it. But i have heard recently that if you're not writing then you're not a writer, and if i'm not a writer then...I can't expect to function like one can I?

So what i've not is, instead of keeping everything in my head, I'll attempt to form them into cohesive "creative" pieces on which i may be able to get some feedback on. And who knows, maybe I'll learn that i really  just am not a creative writing, so my efforts are futile and should remain in a private journal.

The poem is about something specific, but I'd love to know what other people get from it....if anything at all.



He calls u babe

u write Him a sonnet


He says He loves it

wants to frame it

can't top it


u think:

He's right

but

He could have lied

say  He would try

but


instead He leaves u

to lie lone loftily thrown across the

width of ur bed


horizontally.


while He takes a lunch break

u grab on, 

dents in ur head and

faults,

in ur reason.


Reviews

Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 21st October 2008
OK, one plea here. Don't write "u" like you were texting us. IMHO it doesn't look cute or trendy, just kind of lazy. U sound like ur speaking in lolcat. And "He" doesn't need a capital letter, generally, unless you, sry, u, r talking about Ceiling Cat himself. 
 
If I can get over that, I might like this.
Me too!
Written by Katanga (4169 comments posted) 21st October 2008
I think you have something here, but unless you are commenting on 'text-speak' (and I can't find that you are here), then I find it distracts and detracts from an otherwise interesting piece. 
 
Cheers! 
 
John

Written by rushwilde (24 comments posted) 21st October 2008
Thanks guys for the critique, 
but actually, what prompted me writing the poem was a text message, or rather a series of text messages. 
 
I wrote the you like that, as sort of a representation of how little she is in comparison to how big she holds him, or rather Him. 
 
You know, where he calls her "babe" and she writes him a "sonnet" 
 
i was trying to, but may have not fully portrayed some disparity between the characters. 
 
Also, He is the only word in the entire piece that is capitalised at any time at all--but I guess it wasn't written in way that would make that self evident enough. 
 
I will see what I can do to rework it, it seems that you picked up on the 'text-speak' element, but it may not necessarily work for the piece. 
 
thanks again. =]

Written by Fledermaus (4146 comments posted) 22nd October 2008
I agree with the two comments above: Such spellings are distracting. The idea behind this is nice, yet you could have done so much more with it. 
Funnily enough I often think it's women that are unromantic, but then it could also have to do with the sort of women I usually fall for. ;)
--Fledermaus--
Written by rushwilde (24 comments posted) 24th October 2008
I almost died with laughter at the thought of women being unromantic. The day i find a truly romantic man, that didn't just start out that way because he thinks it's a sure fire way to get into your pants, i will snatch him and put him in a sealed jar and take him into some sort of lab for testing. 
 
But thank you for your critique, I have considered changing the spelling, but I really wanted to get across that texting was involved 
 
...but I suppose it isn't all that necessary an element to include.

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