Three Amish men (THADDEUS, JEBEDIAH, EZEKIEL) stand on stage. One (THADIUS) wears a long black cloak over his typical Amish clothing.

THADDEUS

My brothers, I thank you both for attending tonight's meeting of the Amish Secret Conspiratorial Society on such short notice.

JEBEDIAH

What's the matter, Grand Master Thaddeus? Has something poxed the butter churn?

THADDEUS

No, no. Nothing of the sort, Brother Jebediah. The butter churn is without pox. I'm afraid we've run out of scapegoats.

EZEKIEL

Scapegoats? Whatever do you mean?

THADDEUS

Well, it's like this Ezekiel; our thoroughly Amishy Amish way of life has been becoming significantly less Amishy as of late, and through what little bits of Amishness we've retained I'm afraid it's impossible for us to find someone we can blame this on.

JEBEDIAH

But how is it unAmishy, sir?

THADDEUS

How is it unAmishy, thou asketh!? Hast thee not looked about the town square? Hast thee not seen the shamelessness with which the youngest Amlettes display their bosomy fortunes? Why, just the other day I saw a farmer's daughter frolicking about in a skirt that displayed her shins! Her SHINS I say!

JEBEDIAH and EZEKIEL gasp

EZEKIEL

Surely you exaggerate! I had lived a good 35 years before I saw so much as a lady's ankle, and that was my Aunt Matilda when I accidentally stumbled upon her as she bathed!

THADDEUS

Alas, I exaggerate not. And then later, near Ye Olde Horse Trough, I saw a young man of about 9 years old. And brothers, dost thou desire to know what was most sinful and unAmishy about this little boy?

JEBEDIAH

Oh Thaddeus, he didn't wear buttons upon his lapel, did he? In the name of all that is holy tell me he did not desecrate his shirt with such disgusting ornaments!

THADDEUS

Nay, Nay. ‘Twas not something as simple as buttons, I fear. ‘Twas something far worse.

EZEKIEL and JEBEDIAH gasp

EZEKIEL

Worse than buttons, Thaddeus? Surely he did not twiddle his thumbs upon the devilish buttons of that sinbox, the gameboy!

THADDEUS

‘Twas even worse than that. The boy, my friends, was a cyborg.

EZEKIEL and JEBEDIAH both gasp again VERY hard, nearly choking with horror.

JEBEDIAH

Hold me, brother Ezekiel, so that I may be sick with horror upon thine shoes!

EZEKIEL

Aye brother Jebediah! I shall be honored to accept thine vomit, for my heart weeps too loudly for me to mind. Oh great and wise Thaddeus, what are we to do?

THADDEUS

Alas brothers, the answer to that hath plagued me worse than an affectionate leper for long these past weeks. We must rally together our fellow... Amish? Ammes? Ammites? Amma Ramma Lama Ding-

JEBEDIAH

Grand Master Thaddeus, get to the point!

THADDEUS

Ah! Right! As I was saying, we must rally together our fellow... Amishly Inclined Individuals... and convince them to repel this evil from our midst! The best way I can figure to do this would be through a good, old-fashioned scapegoat. But who? Who do we blame? I've exhausted my ideas, so I summoned my two greatest scapegoatologists for aid.

EZEKIEL

Well, why not the sinners? The ones who are causing all this trouble with their shin-showing and cybernetic witchery!

JEBEDIAH

Ye fool, brother Ezekiel! What art thou, a lemming? If we tackle the problem the people will slather us in seaweed and throw us to the manatees!

EZEKIEL

(gasps) Not the accursed sea cow! I'll die before I let it nibble upon my flesh!

THADDEUS

Aye, the sea cow. Which is why we need something different. Something few of our brothers can abide by, but any could be accused of. Preferably something funny looking.

JEBEDIAH

Mayhaps the infidels? Those that worship not our most Amishy lord in heaven?

EZEKIEL

No, no... That shan't do. We've isolated ourselves so thoroughly within the folds of Pennsylvania that no infidels exist to blame. They're extinct in these quarters. We need scapegoats, not scapedodos.

THADDEUS

Unfortunate. I know well the value of a good dodo in a crisis. We need something... Something slightly different, but unAmishy enough to persecute! Zounds, this is frustrated!

JEBEDIAH

Grand Master Thaddeus! Cleanse your tongue of the accursed Z-word! You sound like one of those filthy, shifty Mennonites I've seen imbibing down at the local Root Beer pub!

THADDEUS

Jebediah! You brilliant goatmonger! What did you just say?

JEBEDIAH

About the Mennonites?

EZEKIEL

Brilliant brother Jebediah! We shall blame the Mennonites! Thaddeus, know you how to construct a Mennonite smear campaign?

THADDEUS

Brother Ezekiel! I shall smear the Mennonites as lox upon a bagel! We have much work to do!

JEBEDIAH

Aye! Discrediting the Mennonites is taxing work indeed!

THADDEUS

Onward brothers, to victory!

All exit