Setting: Hell, home of all things vile.

Time Period: Modern

Characters:

Pestilence/Acne- One of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, as well as the lord of disease and icky crawly bug things. He's a pretty normal guy, though a tad insecure by nature. He's thoroughly evil, but treats evil as an adjective, not a life style. In other words, he doesn't let it consume his life.

Doc- Pestilence's Psychiatrist. The start of the play begins with him talking to Pestilence. He wears a suit and glasses, and has curly hair and a goatee. Speaks with a German accent, and is vaguely Jewish.

Death- Death is a sociable hipster, and a bit of a jerk. His ego is something to fear, as are his bad jokes. He's also thoroughly insincere and a hopeless suck up.

The Skipper- The Skipper, is a powerful demon who had himself made famous by forcing the writers of Gilligan's Island to include him as a character. He's very powerful, very evil, and very excitable. He has a tendency to call people "Little Buddy".

Moe Ronalds- The idiot who keeps provoking the lord of plague.

SCENE 1

(The play opens with a spotlight on PESTILENCE. He's a pallid green color, and wears drab stained clothes. He appears to be lying on a psychiatrist's couch, next to a man wearing a suit)

PESTILENCE

I dunno, Doc. I guess I'm just feeling... inadequate lately, you know? Like I'm not getting the respect that I deserve.

DOC

Hmmm... Yes, I see... Vell, you are one of zee horsemen of zee Apocalypse, von vould azoom zat zat vould afford you quite a great amount of respect!

PESTILENCE

Yeah Doc, but I'm Pestilence. I mean-

(sits up)

-if I were Death or War or even Famine, then people would respect me- or at least know what the heck my name means! But the people we get down here are all too stupid or too jaded and arrogant to give me an ounce of respect, let alone fear.

DOC

Hmm.. Yes, I see... And ven did you start to notice zees lack of respect?

PESTILENCE

Well, it couldn't have been more than a few months ago.

(stands)

You see, I was given torture duty for a bunch of hell's petitioners...

SCENE 2

(Lights out. When lights come back up, Pestilence is standing on the other side of the stage, addressing a group of extras and MOE)

PESTILENCE

(Sighs, speaking in a monotone)

Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Pestilence and I'll be brutally maiming you today. I hope you all have a wonderfully terrible time- after all this isn't purgatory!

(PESTILENCE begins to laugh, completely without mirth. When no one joins in, he sighs again).

Alright then, if you'll all follow me. Gluttons to my left, heretics to my ri-

MOE

Hey man. Did you say your name was Pestilence?

PESTILENCE

Why yes I did!

(PESTILENCE brightens and smiles pleasantly).

A fan of my work?

MOE

Psssh. Hardly, man. Dude, no offense, but when they were handin' out infernal occupations you got hosed like a naughty puppy.

PESTILENCE

(a little peeved)

Oh? And uh... What makes you say that Mr...?

MOE

Ronalds, man. Moe Ronalds. See, here's the thing man; in the Middle Ages you may have been hot stuff, right?

PESTILENCE

Ooo! Why yes I quite agree with you there! In fact, it's kind of a funny story, this one time I got REALLY mad at about two thirds of Europe, and-

MOE

Quiet dude, that's not my point. Ya see, these days we've got meds, you dig? And other than a few biggies we've more or less got you covered. Heck, in a few decades you'll be old hat, yesterday's news. You'll be... Passé-lence.

PESTILENCE

(agitated)

Oh please.

MOE

Naw man I'm serious! You're just not getting the same numbers you used to. You need to get out more, do some real killing. Not this wimp stuff. Try going a little more modern. I mean, War's got that whole nuclear weaponry gig goin' on, Famine's reapin' primo benefits by keeping all the food in more developed countries, and Death has the modern bogeymen of cell phones and malfunctioning food processors. Ya need to get hip, dude.

PESTILENCE

So, you don't think I do enough killing? Tell me then, how did YOU come to be in hell?

MOE

I'm the guy that cast Anthony Michael Hall as the title character in Terminator 4: The Dead Horse

PESTILENCE

No no no, I mean how did you DIE?

MOE

Someone FOUND OUT I cast Anthony Michael Hall as the new Terminator.

PESTILENCE

So... So I didn't have a hand in your death?

MOE

Naw man, sorry.

PESTILENCE

But... I did the rest of you in, right?

(silence. A cricket is heard off in the distance. Then a small chuckle is heard. Then another. Soon, all of them are laughing at PESTILENCE, who runs off stage as the lights go down. The lights come back up again in DOC's office)

SCENE 3

PESTILENCE

I can still hear their laughing when I sleep... Like a thousand unholy dogs vomiting needles into a vortex of infinite chalkboards... Except, you know, less pleasant.

DOC

(incredulously)

And zees is vere your anxiety started? But zey vere only mortals. You could ‘ave easily crushed zeir souls beneaz your leettle finger! Please, do not take offense to zees, but... oy VEY grow a freaking backbone!

PESTILENCE

Yeah, that's what I thought at first too. So I kind of decided to forget about the whole thing. I decided going to a party at Death's house would help me ease my mind, but...

DOC

...Eet only made zings verse?

PESTILENCE

It was like kicking my neurosis up to 11. You see...

(Lights down. Lights up on the other part of the stage. Death is

standing at his front door, meeting and greeting his guests. Death

wears sun glasses and a snazzy suit, along with a scythe and a large, golden necklace with a skull-shaped medallion. Two guests also

approach his door; a thin super model-esque girl with long blonde hair

and a red dress with a bit of rubber vomit tacked on the chest, and what appears to be a Masked wrestler..)

DEATH

Hey, Famine, BABY! Have you lost weight? Ah, welcome to the party! Hey War, great to see yah! I guess we know what you're good for, eh buddy? Ahh, I'm just joshin' yah man! Have fun in there!

(PESTILENCE approaches the party entrance)

...And uh, who would YOU be sunshine?

PESTILENCE

What do you mean? You don't... You don't recognize me?

DEATH

‘Fraid not Babycakes. You're not the doorman, are you? You look... contagious. Anyway, I'm glad you're here. I've had to stand out at the door for you all night, and I've been missing the party. I can't miss a party like this, the place is jumpin! Word has it I even missed Cane's ventriloquist act!

PESTILENCE

What!?!? NO I'm not the doorman! Death, it's ME! PESTILENCE! I've been your co-worker for MILLENNIA! How can you not remember me!? We've slaughtered whole villages together! We even got drunk in the abyss one time and got matching tattoos! I named 85 of my unhallowed SPAWN after your great aunt! How can you NOT know who I am!?

DEATH

...Hades? Daddy-o? Is that You?

PESTILENCE

NO!!! Look, I'm Pestilence! PESTILENCE! P-e-s-t-ILENCE! Say it backwards and I'm Ecnelitsep! Synonymous with Plague, Epidemic, and blight! PESTILENCE!!!!

DEATH

...Is THIS one of those hidden camera shows?

PESTILENCE

What? No! This isn't a-

(Death grabs Pestilence's hat and begins to talk into it)

DEATH

Hi Mom! I'd just like to give a shout out to all my peeps in the 9th circle! Hey Judaaaaaaaas!

PESTILENCE

Let go of me! Augh!

(PESTILENCE storms away, angrily. Lights down. Lights up again on

PESTILENCE and Doc.)

Scene 4

DOC

Vell vell. It zeems as zo you have quite zee problem.

PESTILENCE

Yeah, yeah I know. (sighs) So Doc, got any suggestions?

DOC

Vell, I vould suggest... a new direction perhaps?

PESTILENCE

A new direction? ...You're not suggesting Paradise are you??

DOC

Vat?! No, no! Of course not! I am merely zaying zat you should redirect your infernal power in a new vay. Perhaps eenstead of being zee lord of Pestilence, you could try something else.

PESTILENCE

Are you entirely sure that's wise? I mean, I don't want to deny who I am, I just-

DOC

Vat? Of course you do! You vant to change every aspect of your personality!

PESTILENCE

But DOC! Isn't that dishonest? Wouldn't denying what makes me who I am serve to corrode my very soul?

DOC

(gets up and crosses behind PESTILENCE)

Look keedo, I've seen enough whack jobs to know zat a lot of you people vould be much happier leeving a lie. Take it from me, you are a sad, pazetic, dweebish, annoying, leetle lord of evil and zee whole undervorld vould be better off eef you just told yourself an eenzy veenzy eenfinitessimile leetle fib.

PESTILENCE

Well... are you sure Doc?

DOC

Oh definitely. A complete restructuring of your personality eez definitely zee vay to go. I don't know who vould be powerful enough to rearrange your infernal power, zough

PESTILENCE

...I think I may know a guy!

(PESTILENCE takes out his beeper)

DOC

Who are you paging?

PESTILENCE

The one guy who I think can help me.

DOC

Oh? And who vould zat be?

PESTILENCE

A demon, a powerful one. Perhaps the most evil individual in all of hell to have the rights to his image sold to serve as the foil for a bungling sailor.

DOC

You mean...

PESTILENCE

Yes, the lord of entropy. The devourer of souls. The big flaming S himself.

SCENE 5

SKIPPER (off)

Why, HELLO there little buddy!

PESTILENCE

The Skipper, from Gilligan's island.

(DOC exits, SKIPPER enters)

SKIPPER

What can I do ya for? I can have GINGER whip us up some TEA!

PESTILENCE

Not right now Skipper. Skipper... I want to be different!

SKIPPER

Well, what do you have in mind kiddo? Tentacles? Horns? I've got a few SPORES I could sell to you cheap!

PESTILENCE

No, Skipper. I want to change my domain in hell! I want to be a completely different horseman of the Apocalypse. Can you do that for me?

SKIPPER

Little Buddy, I can do that for you with nothing but palm leaves and a bunch of BANANA leaves! But I'm in SYNDICATION! I can't go about starting a new SERIES unless I'm entirely sure the pilot will test well, little buddy!

PESTILENCE

(Pestilence gets down on his knees and clasps his hands)

Please, help me Skipper! You're my only hope!

SKIPPER

(SKIPPER sighs)

All right, I'll make you a brand spanking NEW tool of Armageddon. But we need to figure out exactly WHAT first!

PESTILENCE

How do you mean?

SKIPPER

Well, little buddy, if you're going to get a new name and set of powers we need to work out the BASICS! After all, you can't make a coconut RADIO without some rudimentary coconut two-way communication KNOW-how! Now, currently you're Pestilence the lord of DISEASE! So, we need to decide what you're going to do NOW!

PESTILENCE

Go to Disney World?

SKIPPER

(in a cautionary whisper to PESTILENCE)

Ssshhh! Do you want to incur his WRATH!?

PESTILENCE

Satan?

SKIPPER

No, worse! Mike EISNER! Now BEHAVE and tell me what you want your NEW occupation to be!

PESTILENCE

Hm... I hadn't thought about it much... How about Angst?

SKIPPER

HEAVENS no! You'll spend the rest of eternity with sad little GOTH children clinging to your pant legs! How about Heresy?

PESTILENCE

No way in hell.

(a drum line is heard in the background)

These days, the world's only false idols are annoying paragons of the media. And I SO don't fancy the idea of spending eternity with Eminem, Hillary Duff and Marilyn Manson.

SKIPPER

Good point, I can certainly sympathize with the horrors of POP CULTURE... I've GOT it!

PESTILENCE

Got what?

SKIPPER

ACNE!

PESTILENCE

Oh, well I've got this cream that'll-

SKIPPER

NO! You can be the Lord of ACNE!

PESTILENCE

Seems to lack... Oomph. Don't you think?

SKIPPER

Are you KIDDING little buddy? Acne has more UMPH than Thurston Howell the THIRD juggling CHAINSAWS on a flaming unicycle! PICTURE it! Prom queens will FEAR you! NERDS will despise you! Dermitologists will make unholy PACTS with you to stay in business!

PESTILENCE

(PESTILENCE gasps)

It's brilliant! All right Skipper! Lay it on me!

SKIPPER

All right little buddy! Now hold still! I, SKIPPER, Lord of the Third Circle of Hell doth call upon the power of THE MORNING STAR!

(the lights flash and there's a sound of thunder. PESTILENCE stands,

now apparently unchanged except for several large red dots on his

face)

PESTILENCE/ACNE

Uh... Is that it?

SKIPPER

I just called upon the diabolical powers of SATAN, and you're upset that it wasn't FLASHY enough?

PESTILENCE/ACNE

I dunno, I expected a more prominent physical change and maybe, I dunno, a dancing bear or two. Is that really too much to ask?

SKIPPER

(gives PESTILENCE/ACNE a blank stare)

...A dancing bear?

PESTILENCE/ACNE

What?! Dancing bears can be evil!!

SKIPPER

Yes, but even WE have limits! In any case, YES that is it. You are NOW the Infernal Lord of ACNE! What do you have planned NEXT?

PESTILENCE/ACNE

Oh... I think I may have an idea or two...

(Lights out. Lights back up, and Death is on stage hanging out with

WAR and FAMINE.)

SCENE 6

DEATH

So then I say to the guy, I'll rigor YOUR mortis.

(WAR and FAMINE both let out appreciative laughs. WAR's is a sinister

snicker, while FAMINE's is shrieking and a bit obnoxious. PESTILENCE

walks up, joining in on their laughter.)

PESTILENCE/ACNE

Ho-ho-ho, oh Death, you slay me! Hahaha

(WAR, DEATH, and FAMINE stop laughing and stare at PESTILENCE)

‘Erm... Because.. he's Death, get it? I mean... erm... Hi!

(awkward pause)

DEATH

Well, uh, hi Pizza face- I mean, babycakes! I'm uh... I'm not entirely sure I remember you...

PESTILENCE/ACNE

Ah! Of course you wouldn't! I'm Acne, lord of evil. I'm new here!

DEATH

(trying very hard not to laugh)

Oh. Well, why don't you Zit- SIT! SIT! Why don't you SIT down, and introduce yourself?

(PESTILENCE sits. FAMINE stands behind him and mocks him as he speaks)

PESTILENCE/ACNE

Alright. Well, my name is Acne. My turn-ons include germs, greasy food, and steroids...

(at the mention of "Steroids" WAR lets out a sinister growl)

DEATH

(Still stifling his laughter)

Right... Uhm, I need to go do something and then I'll be right back, okay?

(DEATH goes off)

PESTILENCE

Hmmm... I wonder what it is he had to-

DEATH

(off stage, he is heard laughing very loudly and very obnoxiously)

Oh what a dork! ACNE!?!? Who in their right MIND would be afraid of a few PIMPLES!?

(another burst of laughing, WAR and FAMINE join in)

Oooo! Look at meee! I'm the big scary ZIT MONSTER! GNAARR!

(DEATH bursts out laughing, and PESTILENCE/ACNE- having heard-

gets a look of shock on his face. Greatly offended and saddened, he

storms off stage. Lights go out, and come back up on

PESTILENCE/ACNE walking on stage, looking thoroughly dejected. MOE

RONALDS also enters)

SCENE 7

MOE RONALDS

Hey man! I remember you! Pestilence, right? Aww man, how ya doin'!?

PESTILENCE/ACNE

You! YOU'RE the one that started all this mess! If it weren't for you, I would still be the glorious lord of disease!

MOE RONALDS

Hey man, you can't just keep blaming people for all your problems. You have to step up to the plate, take some responsibility. You can't just expect the world to cater to you!

PESTILENCE/ACNE

(there's a pause as PESTILENCE/ACNE contemplates this)

What!? Of course I can! With all the power that is disease, I smite you! taste influenza, you rotten little pus weasel!

(PESTILENCE points at MOE. There's a pause, and nothing happens)

...That is to say, eat common cold you impish pile of worm fodder!

(Once again, nothing happens)

MOE RONALDS

Hey man, you can't just go smiting people whenever you get upset.

PESTILENCE/ACNE

I know that's the problem! I don't understand, I did everything I would normally do curse you with a thousand cancers! You should be nothing more than a pile of steaming primordial goo!

MOE RONALDS

Oh...Well, uh... Sorry to hear that.

PESTILENCE/ACNE

You should be! Now what am I left with!? If I don't have mortals to kick around, or the respect of my fellow demon, what's the point!?

MOE RONALDS

Well, you've still got the nerds to pick on! You can never go wrong with the odd wedgie here or there!

PESTILENCE/ACNE

(sighs)

They've... They've...

MOE RONALDS

...Dude, what is it? Spit it out, man.

PESTILENCE/ACNE

The Nerds have accepted me! Apparently I'm the biggest source of geek empowerment since Peter Jackson. I've even got my own convention.

MOE RONADLS

Your own convention??

PESTILENCE/ACNE

Yes. My own convention. It has... (he sighs) for Damien's sake, it even has a costume contest... The winner was a greasy, obese man for Atlanta, Georgia who was pelted with a pizza on his way in. He went mad from the grease burns and took out three security guards before they managed to subdue him... It was horrible.

MOE RONALDS

(solemnly) Woah, that's heavy.

(helpfully) But hey, that's not a bad deal, right dude? You've got your own convention!

PESTILENCE/ACNE

I don't want my own convention!

(sighs)

And the worst part is, I don't even know why things keep changing.

MOE RONALDS

Could it have anything to do with your recent change to Acne?

PESTILENCE/ACNE

My Mephistopheles you're right! Oh woe, why!? Why have I doth condemned myself to this- wait, how did YOU hear about that??

MOE RONALDS

(coughing)

Plot hole.

PESTILENCE/ACNE

Blasphemy! I must undo the horror that I have unleashed!!!

(PESTILENCE/ACNE exits)

MOE RONALDS

(Wondering aloud to himself)

I wonder if bad melodrama is a side effect of divine change??

(Lights out. Lights back on with PESTILENCE/ACNE talking to

SKIPPER)

SCENE 8

PESTILENCE/ACNE

...And that's why I want to be changed back!

SKIPPER

Well, have you learned anything IMPORTANT today little buddy?

PESTILENCE/ACNE

What do you mean?

SKIPPER

You KNOW. Something like a MORAL lesson, little buddy!

PESTILENCE/ACNE

Well, I learned that it's not important what lord of the abyss you are on the OUTSIDE that counts, but who you are on the INSIDE.

SKIPPER

...And???

PESTILENCE/ACNE

...And always remember to support Proctor and Gamble at every given opportunity.

SKIPPER

Good BOY little buddy! In that case; I, Skipper, Lord of the third circle doth ONCE AGAIN call upon the power of the MORNING star!!! Ia! Ia! Clearasil! Ftaghn!

(the lights flash and there's a sound of thunder. PESTILENCE stands,

now apparently unchanged except the red dots have disappeared)

PESTILENCE

Oh Thank You! Thank You Skipper!!! I can't think of ANYTHING that can upset me now!

(MOE RONALDS wanders on stage waving with a goofy grin on his

face. PESTILENCE points a finger at him, and MOE RONALDS falls

over, in a fetal positon)

MOE RONALDS

AAAHHH!!! My soul is on fire!

(SKIPPER and PESTILENCE look down at him and exchange Jovial

laughs)

SKIPPER

Oh, that CRAZY Moe RONALDS!!

(Lights out)

FIN