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Poetry
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The Natalie Essence
By rushwilde
24 October 2008

I don't like the rules of poetry, and I understand that this means I'm not a poet. I'm never going to sit and say, alright, let me write a sonnet. or, a villanelle, or a haiku.


I simply love words and how malleable they are, and this is the type of thing that usually comes out of my incapability.


Again, this..."poem" is about something specific, and the way it is written is intentional but I'd love love love to here what people get from it.


=]



It was a portrait of a girl smiling

A portrait of a girl I’ve

Never,

Seen before

Heard before

Knew before


It was a portrait of a girl smiling

A portrait of a girl that

Was,

Tooupclose

Too p r e t e n c I o us

Too familiar


It was a portrait of a girl smiling

With,

Razor teeth

BIG and w i d e; 

Grim fangs

in disguise


It was a portrait of a girl smiling

Her,

Face distorted;

Contorted my

Mind aborted


All Memories,


Of that swine

That smiled

Before

She sinked her teeth 

Into everything


It is the portrait of a sycophant

Smiling,

Her eyes telling

Lies of things

Deeper than her


Claws

those paws

rip

to shred

anything

her smile had not        destroyed.

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 24th October 2008
Usually when I see this sort of messy structure I make my excuses and go.You can't get away with it in any other discipline. It really irritates me, but you asked for comment so I read on. 
I thought this had it's moments, there were some nice phrases in it. 
I thought it fell down a bit in the last two stanzas [ well the 15 lines if you don't like stanza either]  
A typo- it's sank not sinked [please don't claim it was intentional ;) ] 
 
I'm not sure what you mean by the rules of poetry by all means eschew the classic structures but you must replace them with something, and there are so many other devices open to the poet don't ignore them. You have imagery, metaphor, meter, kenning, simile, allegory, irony; rhythm [which is not the same as meter] they are the tools of your trade. 
I've said enough, hope some proper poets comment. 
cheers 
jane

Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 24th October 2008
I think the eccentric layout detracts from the words. Perhaps a more savvy poet than I am could explain what this kind of layout is intended to achieve? There's a lot of it about. 
 
And shouldn't it be "that swine WHO smiled"?

Written by rushwilde (24 comments posted) 25th October 2008
thanks both of you for the critique. 
 
bottleblondesurfer, thanks for pointing out the typo...no it wasn't intentional. 
 
a swine is a pig, if i'm correct, and so i dont think it should be who....but then again I am personifying the swine, so perhaps you are right. 
 
it's clear that Im not a poet, I do enjoy poetry though, so i think ill just stick to 'critiquing'  
 
thanks!!

Written by ainsel (99 comments posted) 25th October 2008
Don't stop writing, even if you don't post for a while. I have to agree that there's something in the structure here that doesn't quite work, but on reading aloud, parts of it seems to fall quite naturally into a rhythmic chanting sort of pattern: "Her eyes telling - Lies of things - Deeper than her". If you love playing with words, it's not a big step towards finding the natural rhythms of language and using them.  
 
Thematically, I'm feeling a strong current of anger and betrayal, which you've presented very clearly. It may have over-influenced your choice of words - in some parts (the "swine" part, for example) I find the rhythm stumbles a little. Rein it in a litte, and it will work better.  
 
Very short, unstructured lines that don't end on a natural cadence tend to be jarring for this reader.  
 
Do you read a lot of modern poetry? I suggest you get a good anthology, and read it aloud. But don't stop writing. Everything has to be learned by practicing. 
 
 
ainsel

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